150 Pounds
(Note: For those who use different weight systems, figure it out yourself
because I really don't know.)
It's a dark, rainy day in Ireland, typical rainy day, and Caroline
Corr/Woods is sitting quietly at home. Frank is off at work, leaving Caroline
to sit and do basically nothing. The band hasn't gone anywhere in at least
a month, and things are getting incredibly boring.
Caro: Things are incredibly boring.
Caro continues to look around the living room, groggy from sleeping,
then picks up the phone to call her best friend.
Andrea: Hullo?
Caro: Whazzaaaaaaaaaap!
Andrea: Oh, it's just you.
Caro: Yes, it's just me. What's up, sis?
Andrea: Em... nothing. Nothing at all.
Caro: You and Giles still in that no-talking phase?
Andrea: Yah, somewhat. Him and his "I need space, I need to roam" bullcrap.
Hmmph.
Caro: Isn't it weird that we haven't gone anywhere at all for the past
month? Not even as a band? I mean, I know we take a good number of vacations
but this is ridiculous!
Andrea: Um look, I gotta go. I have... there's something on the stove.
Caro: I'll help you out! I'm bored! Pleeeze just let me come over.
Andrea: No! I mean... I can handle it myself.
Caro: I'm coming over Andrea, you know that. We're going to have a
you-and-me day because I'm bored off my arse.
Andrea: N...
Caroline hangs up the phone and gets up to get dressed.
Half an hour later, she arrives near Andrea's semi-hidden house and
runs for cover from the rain. She steps up to Andrea's sparkling clean
doorstep and begins to knock on the door.
*knockknockknockknocknocknock KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK knocknocknocknocknock*
Andrea: Agggh! Who is it?
Caro: Police! Open the door!
Andrea: Caroline? What are you doing?
Caro: Let me in!
Andrea: Uh... no!
Caro: My, you sound different. Let... me... in! It's cold out here!
Andrea: I can't Caroline! Um, my house is a mess!
Caro: So? It's typical of you! Now let me in this door!
Andrea: No!
Caroline reaches into her pocket, whistling the "Mr. Rogers" theme.
She puts the key into the door lock and turns it. She then opens the door.
Caro: Hi neighbor.
Andrea: Ack! Get out!
Andrea slams the door, but is no match for Caroline as she pushes the
door wide open and lets herself in.
Caro: Hah, well, it's all good now. (Looks at Andrea) What are you
doing?
Andrea is hiding behind a potted plant on an end table near the door.
Andrea: Hi.
Caro: Hello. Come here and give me a hug.
Andrea: Um... I have a rash. Bad infection, it's contagious. I'm sick.
Caro: Right. Why didn't you tell me this on the phone?
Andrea: I, uh, didn't want to alarm you.
Caroline approaches her sister, who shies away and puts on a big coat.
Andrea: You're right, it IS cold in here.
Caro: No, it's cold out there. It's nice in here. What are you doing?
That is a huge parka!
Andrea: Well... yah. I just... felt cold, that's all. (walks away quickly)
Caroline follows Andrea into the kitchen.
Caro: So have you and Gilesy been talking?
Andrea: Nope, still haven't.
Caro: 'Tis a shame.
Andrea: Yah. (hides behind the refrigerator door)
Caro: Take off the coat, Andrea! You're starting to scare me.
Andrea: Scare you?
Caro: You look like a big puff ball. Take off the coat!
Caro can already see a change in her sister's face, and knows what's
going on.
Andrea: I don't wanna!
Caro: Well then I'll do it. Get over here.
Caroline approaches Andrea, who hides behind the island in the middle
of the kitchen.
Andrea: No!
Caroline lunges and grabs the parka's collar. She wrestles it off Andrea's
body.
Caro: Hehehe! Well then... my.... Andrea...
Andrea: Yah, what?
Caro: You're... you're... you're............... HUGE!
Caroline is visibly shocked.
Caro: Andrea, what did you do????
Andrea: What?
Caro: You're... big! You grew in the belly! Your face is so round and
your arms are thick. And you have boobs!
Andrea: Well... don't make it sound like such a bad thing!
Caro: It IS! It's because of Giles, isn't it? You felt bad so you ate
and ate, didn't you?
Andrea: Caroline, stop it!
Caro: Who are the new men in your life? Ben & Jerry?
Andrea walks away into the living room, sits down on the couch and
throws a bunch of pillows on top of herself.
Caro: Look at you! You're hiding yourself. Your voice is different,
your face is different... who else knows all this?
Andrea: Em... besides my grocer, nobody.
Caro: Andrea, is this what you wanted?
Andrea: (throws hands into the air) I don't know what I want! I'm lost
here! Okay, so I admit it, it was Giles! I felt sorry for myself, so I
ate!
Caro: Andrea, why did you do that? Why didn't you... knit your anger
away? Or run it away? Or for god's sake, get a punching bag?
Andrea: Food is good, what can I say? *pulls out a candy bar*
Caro: Give me that! *snatch*
Andrea reaches out.
Andrea: C'mon, give it back!
Caro: Andy, I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself. *munch*
Andrea: Well look at you! You and your super-fast metabolism!
Caro: Andrea, I know this is hard, and I have no idea how you could've
gained so much weight in one month, but we've got to get you thin again!
Andrea: Well what if I don't want to get thin again? I mean, I have
millions of euros, I have a good life, I should retire and live a fat happy
lifestyle!
Caroline thinks about that.
Caro: I like the logic. But... it doesn't work, Andrea. You're still
too young. And just wait till Jim sees you, he'll insult you to death.
*munch*
Andrea: But this can't be bad. I'm not that fat, am I?
Caroline watches as Andrea reaches out with a chubby arm to futily
grab the remote control to the TV.
Caro: I can't watch this... it's too sad. *sob*
Andrea: Why are you crying?
Caro: You're my baby! I'm supposed to take good care of you!
Andrea: Well, feed me, mommy.
Caro: Rrgh... not helping! Look, Andrea, listen closely. Your face
is EXTRA round. Your cheeks are VERY pinchable. You don't have a beer belly
anymore, it's more of a Snickers belly. You can't reach the remote, you're
hiding your body and your voice sounds like Miss Piggy.
Andrea: *gasp* My voice doesn't sound that bad!
Caro: Well, no, but at the rate you're going, it will. I'm putting
you on a diet, Andrea. We're going to work off your weight together. *tosses
wrapper*
Andrea: Hmm, okay, I guess. Tomorrow. *pulls out another candy bar*
Caro: Where the hell are you getting those? *snatch* Today. Starting
today, we're jogging in the rain.
Andrea: Jogging? In the rain?
Caro: Mmm-hmm. *munch* Go get your running clothes, if you can still
fit them.
Andrea throws the pillows off herself and gets up.
Andrea: Ha-ha.
Andrea goes to her bedroom, leaving Caroline in the living room. Caroline
finishes off the candy bar, then goes over to the couch and reaches under
one of the cushions. She pulls out several 3 Musketeers bars.
Caro: My god, Andrea. You must have these in every nook and cranny
of the house...
Caroline drops the candy bars and makes a mad dash to the bedroom.
Andrea: No! Get away!
Caroline snatches Andrea's running shoe from her hands and pulls out
two more candy bars.
Caro: Dear lord! How much do you spend on these anyway? Other shoe,
let's go!
Andrea shakes out her other shoe.
Andrea: Empty, see?
Caro: Your hat.
Andrea sighs and pulls off her Nike cap, revealing two bite-sized Snickers
bars.
Caro: This is going to take a lot of work. Come on, dress up, let's
go.
After ten more minutes, Caroline and Andrea are out in the rain.
Andrea: I don't want to do this!
Caro: No pain, no gain, Andrea. Come on, keep up with me.
They run out to the street and begin to jog around the corner. Caroline
looks back at Andrea every now and then, trying not to laugh as her now
very unwieldy sister struggles to keep up, breathing heavily.
Andrea: *hoof hoof hoof* Slow down, will you?
Caroline walks, letting Andrea catch up.
Andrea: Better. So what have you been doing this vacation?
Caro: Absolutely nothing. Good thing you handed me this mission.
Andrea: You handed yourself this mission! I could be home right now.
Caro: With your food, right?
Andrea glares at Caroline as they continue to jog.
Caro: Besides, I know you don't want to be fat. You look so different!
It all came in the wrong places.
Andrea: *sigh* Yah, you're right. I don't want to be this way.
Caro: Well good, as long as you admit you have a problem, you're on
the road to recovery.
A car drives up the road, speeding along. It kicks up the water in
the street, completely soaking Andrea and Caro.
Caro: Aggh! Stupid moron!!!
The car stops in the middle of the road, and the window rolls down.
Jim: Caroline? Andrea? Is that you?
Andrea: Oh no!!!
Caro: Keep running!
They continue to jog, but Jim matches speeds with them and drives along
in his sedan.
Jim: Why are you running in the rain?
Caro: For the hell of it!
Jim: Ah, I see. Who's that with you?
Andrea stops and glares at Jim. He slams on the brakes, eyes wide.
Jim: WHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!! Andrea, is that
you?????
Andrea continues to run up the sidewalk, but Jim speeds up and follows.
Jim: I can't believe it! My little sister! Actually, not so little!
Hahaha!
Caro: Shut up, Jim! She feels terrible!
Jim: Feels terrible? Hahaha!!! She doesn't only FEEL terrible, she...
*CRASH*
Jim crashes his car into another one that hadn't been parked correctly
next to the sidewalk.
Jim: Oh damn!!!!
Caro: Nice one, Mario!
After the run, Jim follows Caroline and Andrea to Andrea's door. They
slam it in his face as they enter.
Jim: Hey, come on! Let me in! I wanna see Andrea's cute little belly
again!
Andrea: Leave me alone!
Caro: He doesn't have a key, does he?
Andrea: No, I don't think so.
Jim runs around the house to the back sliding glass door and pushes
it open, Andrea having unwittingly left it unlocked.
Andrea: AHHHHHH!!!!! Get away! *runs*
Jim: Come here! Come here!
Caro: Oh come on, Jim! She doesn't want to be seen like this?
Jim catches up to Andrea and falls down on the couch with her. She
can't get away from his strong grip.
Jim: Hah! I gotcha! My, you're heavy now!
Andrea: Exactly! Get away or I'll sit on you!
Andrea gets off Jim and hides behind her coffee table.
Jim: Wow... you look like when you were 4 and you had a little pot
belly.
Andrea: Oooooh stop it!
Jim: Except your face is so pinchable now and you have love handles!
Andrea: Shuuuuuut uuuuuuuup!!!!!!!!
Caro: Quit it, Jim!
Jim giggles more, snorts, then stops.
Jim: Hah..... this is great.
Caro: Not for long. I'm going to get Andrea to being lean and mean
again.
Jim: Good luck! Haha! So can I rub your belly for luck, Andrea? Will
you be my own little Buddha?
Andrea tries hitting Jim, but she's too slow and he just moves his
head.
Jim: So, what's to eat? Oh wait, that's Andrea's line. *swoop*
Caro: What about your car?
Jim: Ah, it was just the headlight and a bit of the hood. I can get
it fixed.
Caro: Did you leave a note on the other car?
Jim: Yah, I did. I left one that told them to go and shoite because
they can't park their car.
Caroline sighs.
Andrea: Yah, what IS to eat?
Caro: Rggh. That reminds me, I'm going to have to clean out the entire
house. You probably have Snickers bars in the toilet tank or something
like that.
Andrea: Well... not quite.
Caro: And your refrigerator. Say goodbye to Ben & Jerry for a while.
Andrea: Noooo! Come on, Caroline! Have mercy!
Caro: I'll have mercy when you have your body back. And Jim...
Jim: Eh?
Caro: Don't tell Sharon.
Hours later...
Phone: Whaaaahaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gawwwd!!!!!!
Caro: Shut up, Sharon! It's not funny! Andrea feels really bad!
Sharon: So really, 150 pounds. How come you measure it like that?
Caro: I don't know, more precise? She's really trying to get rid of
it.
Sharon: Haaahhhhh oh, I knew that fight with Giles would lead to something.
Caro: Well, you want to help me train Andrea? She's going to need more
than just me to get her slim again.
Sharon: Sure, I guess. I don't have much to do. Weight training!
Caro: Yah! Wait, you have weights?
Sharon: Why do you suppose I'm so buff?
Caro: Oh, right. Not as buff as me, but buff enough.
Gavin: Hnngh you awhin hoo?
Sharon: Hold on. What, dear? Caroline. Yeah. Andrea weighs 150 pounds
now.
Thunderous laughter can be heard on the other side of the phone.
Caro: Sharon!!!!
Sharon: I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist...
The next day, Caroline and Sharon are at Andrea's house very early.
It's still dark outside and cold.
Sharon: Brrr... fall. I'm going to miss Summer!
Caroline: Christmas... and a whole new year!
Sharon: Open the door already!
Caro gets the key to Andrea's door, walks in and unplugs the burglar
alarm.
Caro: Ok, quiet now. Come on, get your bags.
Sharon drags her bags of weights into the living room, then follows
Caroline through the darkness.
*Crak*
Caro: Ow! Damn!
Sharon: Watch where you're going!
Caro: I can't see in the dark, can you? Jeez. Over here.
Sharon: It's so dark in here. Did we really have to come this early?
I probably look like a raccoon right now.
Caroline ignores her sister's comments and climbs up the stairs to
the second floor where Andrea's bedroom is.
Caro: Okay now, very very quiet.
Sharon: Be vewy vewy quiet... I'm hunting Andweas, huhuhuhuhuhuh...
Caro: Shh!
They open the door to Andrea's room and tiptoe toward the bed. Andrea
is fast asleep, snoring lightly and covered with blankets.
Andrea: snffffffffff.... hffffffffff... snfffffffff....
Caro: (whispering) Okay, on the count of three, we turn on her light
and throw the covers off her.
Sharon: (whispering) What do we yell?
Caro: Yell? Um... surprise?
Sharon: Ok.
Sharon grabs hold of Andrea's sheets, being careful not to wake her
up. Caroline reaches over to the lamp next to Andrea's bed.
Andrea: Snffffffff..... hffffffffff.....
Caro: One... two... three!
Caroline turns on the light and Sharon throws the covers off Andrea.
Sharon and Caro: SURPRIIIISEOHMYGODAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
Andrea: Huh? What the hell?
Caro: Since when do you sleep NAKED???
Andrea: Since I... wha... trying something new.
Sharon throws the covers back on Andrea.
Caro: Anyway, we're here to train you now.
Andrea: Train me? (looks at clock) Caroline, it's five in the freakin'
morning!
Caro: Early to bed and early to rise makes Andrea thin.
Andrea: Where the hell did you get that? And... what is Sharon doing
here?
Sharon: I found out from Jim.
Andrea sits up, holding the covers to herself.
Andrea: Ahh, Jim. Damn you, Jim.
Caro: So up 'n at 'em! Let's get going!
Sharon: Yah! Cuz I'm Shazz.
Caro: And I'm Cazz.
Both: And vee are going to pump *clap and point* you up!!!!!
Andrea: This can't be happening...
Ten minutes later, Andrea is jogging down the street behind Caroline
and Sharon, carrying five pound weights in each hand.
Andrea: Guys this sucks!!!! These weights are hurting my arms.
Sharon: Come on, tubbo, suck it up!
Caro: Let's not use the names, Shazz. Faster, Andrea! Run faster!
Andrea struggles to keep up, her legs already burning.
Later...
Sharon: Five! Six! Seven!! Come on!!!
Andrea is struggling with push-ups. She goes up verrrry slowly, arms
shaking, then hits the floor heavily as she comes back down.
Sharon: Eight! Come on, you call that a push-up???
Caro: After this, sit-ups.
Andrea: Nooo... how many of THOSE do I have to do?
Caro: Twenty.
Andrea: Agggghh...
Sharon: Come on! Legs off the floor, bum out of the air! Use those
arms!!!
A few minutes later...
Caro: Three............ fo... come on, Andrea.
Andrea: I don't wanna!
Sharon stands over Andrea with a banana.
Sharon: Look what I have! Up here!
Andrea licks her lips and sits up to get it, then falls back down.
Caro: Hmm, not a bad idea.
After all that...
Andrea: *sweating heavily* I am beat. I can't take anymore.
Caro: Well, that's enough for now. I think you did well. Sharon, breakfast.
Sharon: Right. Here you go, Andrea.
Sharon hands Andrea a small carton of low fat cottage cheese.
Andrea: Huh? That's all?
Sharon: Power food!
Andrea: Hmpph.
Sharon: And... a hard-boiled egg.
Andrea: I'm going to die before this diet is over.
Caro: Well, like they say, a diet is "Die" with a T.
Andrea: Yeah, you've got that right. (digs into the cottage cheese)
Sharon can't help but watch her newly-overweight little sister. Andrea's
face is very much more round now, her arms are big and she has love handles.
Sharon: HAHAHAHA!! *snort*
Andrea: Hmm?
Sharon: HAHA... I'm sorry, I couldn't help it!
Sharon pounds her hand on the dining room table, Andrea and Caroline
looking confused.
Sharon: *points at Andrea* You... you... hahaha!!
Andrea: Okay, if you're trying to confuse me, your mission's a success.
Now what on Earth are you laughing at?
Sharon: Nothing! *sniff* Hehehe... nothing.
Andrea: What EVER.
Caro: Like, totallay...
The phone rings, but Andrea doesn't get up to answer it.
*click*
Machine: You've reached Andrea. Surprise! So leave a message and I'll
get back to you. *beeeep*
Jim: Uhhh duuhhh wha I dunno! Ith you there Andwea? Eh? Ith your brother.
Andrea presses the speaker phone button.
Caro: Why the hell are you talking like a retard?
Jim: Oh, hey. Just calling up my favorite Buddha.
Andrea: Jim, I could press this little button here, it can shut you
up rather easily.
Jim: No! Uh, how are you doing?
Andrea: Fine, thank you very much. I'll probably die from my diet,
that's if Sharon and Caroline don't kill me first.
Jim: Great, great. Hey Shazz and Cazz, want to go have pizza later?
Andrea: Rgggh!
Caro: Hehehe we'll pass, Jim. We're torturing Andrea enough as it is.
Sharon: Wait! I want pizza! Just because Andrea's trying to get thin
doesn't mean I should suffer too!
Jim: It's okay. All the more for me! Haha!
Andrea: Right, right. By the way... *click*
Andrea hangs up on Jim.
Later, there is a knock on Andrea's door.
Andrea: Who the hell could that be?
Caro: It's probably Frank. I told him I'd be here.
Sharon: Go get it. Andrea, pick up the weight.
Andrea: No! I'll give myself a hernia if I pick that up!
Caroline rolls her eyes and goes to get the door. As predicted, Frank
is there. She practically jumps into his arms.
Frank: Wow, not a bad greeting. Whatcha up to?
Caro: Oh, just helping Andrea get thin.
Frank: Uh, isn't she already thin? REALLY thin?
Caro: Oh... I didn't tell you, did I?
In the other room...
Sharon: Pick up the weight!
Frank heads over into Andrea's den, where Sharon is trying to get Andrea
to pick up a huge barbell weight from the floor.
Frank: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Andrea: Oh bloody blazes, not another one!
Caro: Dear! Frank! Shut up!
Frank continues to laugh and laugh.
Caro: Breathe, dear! Andrea, don't pay attention to him.
Frank: Oh my god! All these weights... look at her!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Oh, this is classic!
Andrea picks up a twenty pound round weight and carries it over to
Frank.
Andrea: Frank, have you ever been smacked in the face with a twenty
pound weight?
Frank: Yes, all the time.
Andrea: Would you like it if I hit you with this weight?
Frank: Come on... hehehe. You can't hit me with that.
Andrea: No, but I can drop it on your foot. *drop*
Frank jumps away just in time to save his feet from getting smashed.
The weight rolls away and tips over onto its side.
Caro: Come on, now. Frank, dear, go make yourself some tea or something.
Frank: Hahaha... I can't believe it...
Frank leaves the room.
Andrea: So who DOESN'T know that I'm fat now??
Caro: I think he's the last one.
Sharon: Yeah, Gavin already knows.
Andrea: Well, we'll see about all that, won't we? Nobody's gonna laugh
at fat 'lil Andrea anymore.
Sharon: Yeah!! You said it!
Andrea goes over to the barbell and heaves.
*KRAAK*
Andrea: Aaaaa....
Sharon: Whoops. Em... lift with your knees?
Caro: Here, I'll help you, Andrea.
Caroline tries to straighten Andrea out.
Andrea: Agggh! OW!!!! My back!!! OWW!!!
Frank: Uh oh, what happened? (comes back into the room)
Sharon: Andrea just threw her back out.
Frank: Well, you should've lifted with your knees.
Sharon: Exactly my point!
Andrea: Not helping!!
Caroline tries to pull Andrea over to the couch, but loses her grip.
Andrea falls on her bum, sitting straight up.
Andrea: OWWWWWW HOW HOW HOWWWWWW!!!!! CAROLINE!!!
Caro: Sorry! Well now you know how bad my broken arse felt!
Frank: I'll get her, dear.
Frank goes behind Andrea, bends over and hooks his arms around her.
Frank: Okay. Hnngh... *KRAK* Ahhhhhh noooooo...
Sharon: Please tell me you didn't...
Frank: Uh-huh. Honey? Caroline?
Caroline whips out a Polaroid camera, the one she was using to note
Andrea's daily weight loss progress and snaps a photo.
Caro: Sorry, this is just a classic family moment. Okay, so what can
I do ya for?
Frank: Heheheh... um... get me on the couch. And do something about
Andrea.
Caroline goes over to Frank, who has unhooked his arms from Andrea.
She shoves him, and he lands right on the couch.
Frank: OWWWW!!! Come on!!!
Caro: Sorry, dear. Shazz, help me with Andrea.
Sharon and Caroline pick up Andrea and set her on the couch as well.
Andrea: Great, just great. I broke my back and now I'll never get thin.
Caro: Oh, don't say that. We'll think of something. Sharon, know a
good Chiropractor?
Sharon: Sure, I know thousands.
Caro: *sigh* Never mind, I'll check the listings.
Caroline looks through the phone book, but there's only a few listed
and most of them live in England.
Frank: You know dear, I know someone else who can help us out.
Caro: Really? Who?
Frank: Andrea, please forgive me.
Half an hour later...
Jim: I'm about to pee my pants.
Sharon: Thanks for letting us know that, Jim.
Jim is trying as hard as he can not to laugh at his little sister and
his other sister's husband sitting on the couch, unable to get up.
Jim: This is perfect. All the teasing I want! And they can't retaliate!
Caro: I can! Don't make fun of Frank!
Jim: Alright. Andrea then!!!
Andrea: Rrrrgh...
Sharon: We need to get her back to working out, Jim.
Jim: Well how the heck did she throw her back out?
Sharon: She tried picking up 100 pounds of weight like it was nothing.
Jim: Hmm. Why didn't you...
Andrea throws her hands in the air.
Andrea: Lift with my knees! I heard it before!
Jim: Okay, okay. So, which one first...
Jim studies the two on the couch, seeing who's giving bigger puppy-dog
eyes.
Jim: I think Frank is winning.
Andrea: Come on, Jim!!!
Jim: Okay, okay. My little Buddha must be healed first.
Jim picks up Andrea and...
*KRAK*
Sharon: Oh no, PLEASE don't tell us you threw your back out!
Jim: Naw. I just stepped on a CD.
Andrea: Ahh! My Phantom CD! Dammit!!
Jim: Okay, ready?
Andrea: Yah!
Jim: Breathe out.
Andrea breathes out and Jim squeezes hard.
*SNAAP*
Andrea: WHOO!!!! Haaaaa...
Jim lets Andrea down, and she walks around a bit.
Andrea: Hey, that did it! All right!!
Jim: Now, for a more disturbing one...
Jim picks up Frank.
Jim: Breathe in.
Frank: (breathes in)
Jim: Out.
Frank breathes out and Jim snaps his back. Frank's feet swing forward
and catch Sharon in the face.
*CRAAK*
Sharon: MNGHGPP!!!!!!
Jim lets go of Frank, who takes a few steps around.
Frank: Well, much better.
Sharon: By node!!!!!
Andrea: My carpet!
Sharon: Ahh!! By ode brudder id dryig to gill me! (holds her head back)
Jim: Well, you can all thank Doctor Jim.
A week later, Caroline shows up at Andrea's house. Andrea is still
a little reluctant to let Caroline in, but can't stop Caro from entering
with her key.
Caro: I got something for you.
Andrea: Oh. Really?
Caro: Yes. Did you turn gothic or something?
Andrea is wearing a black sweater, a black turtleneck sweater with
a black skirt and black shoes.
Andrea: I always wear black.
Caro: I think you're just trying to hide your fat.
Andrea: Em... no.
Caroline takes a large box out of the bag she's carrying and opens
it. Andrea reads the box.
Andrea: Digital scale. Em, I already have a scale, Cazz.
Caro: Yah, but this is digital and you can't mess with it like you
do the other one.
Andrea: Rgggh, you know all my tricks!
Caroline takes the scale out of the box and sets it on the floor, then
turns it on.
Caro: There we go. I guess you just step on it...
Andrea: And it screams "One person at a time!!"
Caro: Don't tempt it. Come on, now.
Andrea takes off her shoes and her sweater and her watch and her little
ring from her middle finger. Caroline sighs and waits until Andrea finally
steps onto the scale.
Caro: Grand total of... 145 pounds. You're getting there.
Andrea: Yep. See, it's working. Now you don't have to come over and
harrass me.
Caroline smiles evilly at Andrea.
Andrea: No. Come on, pleeeeze? I don't want to work out!
Caro: Uh-uh. Otherwise I'll call Jim so he can make fun of you some
more, Little Buddha.
Andrea: And break Sharon's nose again. How is that going, by the way?
Caro: Could be worse. It still looks the same, but I'm going to miss
the way she talked.
Andrea: Hehehe, "By ode brudder id dryig to gill me!"
Caroline reaches into the bag again and hands Andrea her mail.
Caro: Picked it up for ya. You really should lock your post box.
Andrea: Yah, yah. Bill, bill, bill, five love letters, another bill,
more love letters...
Caro: Eh?
Andrea: Kidding. Shop 'n Dublin, oh, this is yours.
Andrea gives Caro her "Go And Shoite" Weekly magazine, a funny magazine
that Frank detests for some reason. Caroline takes it, a big smile on her
face.
Andrea: And... a big manilla envelope. Hmm. Fabanoo?
Caro: Huh? What?
Andrea: Fabanoo.
Caro: Huh? Ohhhh right... Fabanoo!!
(To be explained later)
Andrea opens the envelope and pulls out a rag tabloid and a sheet of
paper.
Andrea: Little Buddha, I thought you should see this first. Love, Dr.
Jim.
Andrea looks at the tabloid and sees a picture of her running with
Caroline, and of course, not looking like her thin self.
Andrea: Oh no!!!
Caro: Eh? Woonoo?
Andrea: No more of the language! Look at this!!!
Andrea shows Caroline the tabloid.
Caro: Hey, my face looks funny in this picture!
Andrea: Besides that! Now people are going to know that I'm fat!
Caro: Oh. That's not gonna be good...
Andrea: Of course it isn't! We have to do something! Wait... we could
raid every newsstand that carries this!
Caro: Are you kidding? I passed three newsstands on the way here, not
to mention the ones in the grocery stores. You'd never get them all!
Andrea: Damn... it's all ruined! And now... GILES! GILES is going to
know that I'm fat! And he'll stay with what's-her-name or whatever!
Caro: Or maybe he'll feel sorry and come back.
Andrea: PLEASE... look at what YOU have to put up with.
Caro shrugs in agreement.
So for weeks more, Andrea works and works and works, running up and
down hills, chasing after cars, chasing after Caroline, and eating only
crumbs of food. Before anyone knows it...
Caro: 85?????
Andrea: Yep.
Andrea hops up and down on the digital scale, making the numbers jump
from 120 to 85 and back again.
Caro: Wow... I must say I'm impressed. Almost envious.
Andrea: Right. Now you can't poke my belly. *poke*
Caro: Ah! That is for an entirely different reason (pats her belly)
Andrea: Oh yah. Now, time to chase Giles and win him back.
Caro: You chase everything! And look at you, you're... Calista Flockhart!
Andrea: Ah! Oh no... you went too far with that one.
Caro: Hehehe well, I have good lines.
Andrea: Lines?
Caro: The ones that are written for me. Which reminds me, just how
the heck does this story end? You aren't going to gain 150 pounds all of
a sudden and weigh over 200, are you?
Andrea: I have no clue what you're talking about. You and Jim and Sharon...
why the hell do you all think life is a script?
Caroline thinks for a few moments.
Caro: Good question. You know, sometimes I really don't know why I
say some of the things I say. Like Hobbanababana.
Andrea: Um, yah. So how does this "story" end, as you say?
Caro: Em... you gain a bit more of your weight back and win Giles back,
the end?
Andrea: Huh. Kinda takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?
Caro: We need to get on with life, Andrea. It's for the good of the
people... rrgh! Why am I saying this? It's as if though someone is putting
words into my mouth!
Andrea: (looks at the ceiling) Hey! Whatever's going on... fix it!
Get us out of this "story!"
