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A week later...
Jim: They're here! First off the line, five each of the official Corrs
action figures!
Jim sets a big box down on his dinner table and cuts it open with a
knife. Stryofoam packing peanuts and paper flies everywhere as he goes
through the box.
Jim: Here's a Sharon. (hands it to Sharon)
Sharon looks in the box, completely spellbound.
Sharon: It looks like me! And she has such a beautiful dress on, just
like me, and she has a little violin!! And her hair is so gorgeous!!
Sharon hugs the box. Jim pulls out a few more Sharon boxes, then pulls
out a Caroline.
Caro: Let me see!! Let me see!
She looks inside.
Caro: Wow... those are really neat leather pants she's wearing... hey,
the color of the eyes are wrong. But it does look like me. Does she come
with a little drum kit too? Hehehe. Oh wait, a little Bodhran! Neat!
Jim: Here's an Andrea.
Andrea takes the box and looks through the plastic.
Andrea: Hmm... she's tall! But...
Caro: But what?
Andrea: Her boobs are so much bigger than mine! I mean, relatively
speaking... and she's got really long legs. They put way too much black
on the eyes, it looks like I got in a bar fight and lost. Badly!
Sharon and Caroline are laughing.
Jim: And here's me!
Jim takes out a box, opens it up, and pulls out a Jim doll.
Andrea: Hey, how come yours has all that neat stuff? Boots, leather
jacket, sunglasses, guitar... yours is loaded! Mine just has a little tin
whistle.
Sharon: But isn't that what you play?
Andrea: Well yeah but still!
Jim: There's more, though.
Jim reaches into the box and hauls out a red classic Cadillac like
from the All The Love In The World video.
Caro: Oh god... that's so silly.
Jim zooms the car at Andrea's doll.
Andrea: Hey!!! You ran over little Andrea!!
Jim: One down, two to go.
Sharon: Uh UH. You aren't running Sharon over. (hides little Sharon
behind her back)
Andrea pulls little Andrea out from under the car and jabs little Jim
in the eye with the tiny tin whistle.
Andrea: Take that, and that, and that!!!
Sharon: So, is this all for today? The dolls?
Jim: Oh, it's just the start. Tomorrow I'll have the thermos and the
special pens, stationery, and the first lunchbox!
Caroline: Lunch box? I sure hope this doesn't go too far... I don't
want people getting sick of us.
Jim: No really, it's helping! Our album sales have been up for the
past few weeks. These dolls go on sale in a week.
Andrea has all five of her little Andrea dolls murdering the little
Jim doll with tiny tin whistles.
So a week passes, the Corrs now have a thermos, various watches, folders,
stationery, pens, buttons, and the Andrea Corr Collection, a clothing franchise,
is in planning. As usual, they meet up at Andrea's house every afternoon.
One particular afternoon, Jim walks in with a heavy box.
Sharon: More pens?
Jim: No, help me with this.
They set it down on the kitchen table.
Jim: These are Corrs love potions.
Sharon: You're kidding...
Jim: I'm pretty sure it's just fruit juice or something like that.
Jim cuts open the box and pulls out a bottle of swirling red liquid.
Caro: I want some.
Jim: Sure, you can be the test subject for this.
Andrea: Jim, a delivery man brought a whole bunch of Corrs blankets
today and I have no idea what to do with them.
Sharon: Jim, don't you think we're going overboard? What if people
get sick of seeing our faces everywhere?
Jim: Well, we can always stop production. It's still good publicity,
all this marketing. It's like being in a boy band or something.
Caroline takes a chug from the bottle and smiles.
Caro: It tastes like strawberries! Hehehe.
Jim: Good, it'll sell. Now, I drew the line, at least we don't have
commercials, and most of our stuff is just here in Europe. America does
get our dolls but most of our items are special import if they want them.
Caroline is chugging away.
Jim: And the drinks, those ones might go to the US.
Caro: *BURRRRRRRPP*
Andrea: Ugh!!
Caro: Hehe excuse me! That was a really good drink.
Sharon: What about all the other stuff you said, the shampoo, the radios,
the keychains, the wallpaper?
Jim: We'll re-think those... Caroline, what the heck are you doing?
Caro: You know, you look stunning in that jacket.
Andrea: Oh come now, stop kidding. You almost have me convinced.
Caro: Really though, I'm glad my brother is such a hottie.
Sharon: Whoa now, calm down, Caroline.
Jim: Sit down, Caroline.
He helps her sit down, and she smiles big.
Caro: He touched me. Hehehe...
Andrea: Em... are those drinks really like that? I mean, does it actually
have stuff like aphrodisiacs and all?
While Andrea is talking, Caroline is staring at Jim, licking her lips.
Jim can't help but shudder.
Sharon: I think she's gone crazy.
Caroline stares blankly at Sharon's waist.
Caro: Those are really nice jeans, Sharon.
Sharon: Um... help?
Andrea: I think we'd better put this away. (Closes the box of love
potions)
Caro: Go on, have one, Andrea. You'll like it. Really. (makes kissing
motions)
Andrea: Hmm...
Caroline is staring at Andrea, panting. Andrea jumps up from her chair.
Fast as lightning, Caroline jumps up and braces to chase Andrea.
Andrea: Em... maybe I'll just sit back down.
Jim: I'll cover you, Andrea.
Caro: Cover? Huh? Who wants cover? Any chocolate syrup around here?
Andrea: Well... I guess a sip wouldn't hurt.
Andrea takes out a bottle of love potion, opens it, and takes a small
drink. She starts laughing.
Andrea: That tickles!
Sharon looks at Jim.
Sharon: Are we going to have two crazed nymphos running around now?
Jim: Well, Andrea just had a little bit. *THUMP*
They look to see Caroline shoving the bottle into Andrea's mouth. Andrea
is struggling not to swallow, but soon takes gulp after gulp.
Sharon: Oh no. Caroline! Don't! Andrea, stop that now!
The empty plastic bottle rolls off the counter. Andrea sits up with
a dazed look on her face.
Caro: Told you you'd like it.
Andrea starts growling at Caroline. Caroline looks surprised. Andrea
growls more, eyeing her. Caroline takes off into the living room, Andrea
in pursuit.
Sharon: After them!
Sharon and Jim run into the living room to find a shambles, lamps turned
over, plants tipped. Caroline's shirt is on the floor. They hear footsteps
thumping up the stairs.
Jim: Dear god... this is NOT good!
Sharon: No time to waste! Let's go!
They run up the stairs and try opening the door to Andrea's room to
find that it's locked.
Sharon: Merciful heavens... Andrea, unlock this door!!!
Jim: I've got it.
Jim steps back and charges the door. *SLAM*
Jim: Owie.... my head.
Sharon: Oh, stop it, you big lug.
They can hear unspeakable growling and laughing coming from the room.
Sharon gets an idea.
Sharon: Let me in! I wanna have some too! Come onnn!!!!!
Jim: What has gotten into you!??!?
Andrea actually opens the door. Her hair is messed up and her clothes
are torn. Caroline is jumping up and down on the bed in her undergarments.
Sharon brings a vase down on Andrea's head.
A few hours later, Andrea wakes up. Her head is spinning and she has
trouble seeing. Everything is blurred.
Andrea: Huh? Wha? What happened?
Andrea sits up and sees blurs walking around her living room. One of
them speaks.
Jim: Are you okay?
Sharon: Should we tie her up, too?
Caroline: Tie her up with me! Hehehehe!
Andrea's vision clears a bit, and she can see Jim and Sharon more clearly.
In the kitchen, Caroline is tied to a chair, bouncing around.
Caroline: Andrea, come untie me! Let's play again!
Andrea: Huh??
Jim: You two are in bigggg trouble...
Sharon: They told Jim they were love potions... actually they were
lust potions.
Andrea tries standing up, staggering and swaying.
Andrea: *BURRRP* Can I have another?
Jim: NO.
Andrea: (whining) But I WANT ANOTHER!!!!!
Jim: I don't think so. We're not chasing you two around again.
Andrea: I won't chase Caroline, I'll just chase you! Or Sharon! Wanna
play?
Sharon: Ewwwwww... no...
Jim: That's it... get over here.
Andrea: That's the spirit, Jim! Hey wait, what are you doing with that
trunk?
Jim: Get in.
Andrea: Is this some kinky thing I don't know about?
Jim: Yep. Get in, I'll close the lid, and you count to fifty-three-thousand.
Andrea: Ok.
Jim shuts and locks the trunk. (One, two, three, four, five)
Jim: And as for YOU... (Looks at Caroline) Since we only have one trunk,
we'll leave you tied to the chair.
Caroline bounces toward them on the chair.
Caro: Pleeeeeze? I'll be good!
Andrea ends up losing count and falls asleep inside the trunk. An immeasurable
amount of hours passes before she wakes up. She stretches and realizes
she's confined.
Andrea: Huh?
Andrea feels around the box, forgetting where she was.
Andrea: Oh no.... am I dead? Did they bury me?? What in god's name??
Andrea pounds on the trunk lid, realizing it's locked.
Andrea: I'm trapped!!! HELP!!!!! SOMEBODY!!
Andrea kicks around inside her wooden prison.
Andrea: I'm not dead!! Please, somebody help me!! HELP!!!!
Andrea shakes around, and the box falls over on its side with a thump.
Andrea: Whoa... I guess I'm not buried then... that's right, I'm in
a trunk! Hey... JIM!!! LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Just then, Jim and Sharon come back to the house, having gone out for
pizza and a movie.
Jim: Did they really have to end the movie like that? Now I can't wait
to see the sequel!!
Sharon: I know, I think they TOTALLY could've saved Gandalf.
Andrea: How about saving ME!!!?! Let me out of this trunk!!!
Jim: Should we?
Sharon: No... we can't be sure if she's out of it. Who knows how long
that potion could last? Hours? Days? Weeks?
Andrea moves around in the trunk with such force that the box is rolling
over again.
Jim: Wow, she sure is strong! Hang on, sis. Just a few more hours.
Andrea: Rgggh!!!
Andrea starts kicking around with all her might. Her foot smashes through
the wall of the trunk.
Sharon: Uh oh.
Sharon goes over to the trunk and tries shoving Andrea's foot back
in.
Andrea: Ow!! Stop that! It's stuck!
Jim: Well you shouldn't have tried to kick your way out!
Andrea: This is NOT funny! Let me out of this trunk!
Caroline wakes up from her sleep, still tied to the chair.
Caro: Huh... wha??? Hey... what time is it?
Andrea: Caroline!!!! Get me out of this trunk!
Caro: I'm a bit tied up here, Andrea.
Jim: Well... we could try the test again.
Jim walks over to Caroline and waves his hand in front of her face.
Under the earlier circumstances, Caroline would've tried to lick his hand.
Instead, Caroline cringes.
Caro: Yuck... when was the last time you washed your hands, Jim? You
smell REALLY bad.
Jim dances around in front of Caro like a stripper, taking off his
coat.
Caro: Ok you know, I don't know why but I used to think that was really
sexy, but now... would you stop strutting???!
Jim: I guess the test worked. We can untie her. She seems pretty tired,
so even if she was still under it, she'd be too tired to try.
Sharon: Suit yourself.
Jim unties Caroline's bonds. As soon as her hands are free, she decks
him in the nose.
Caro: Moron...
Jim: (holding his nose) Okay, I think she's cured. Let Andrea out.
And get me a tissue. Ow.
Sharon opens the trunk and pulls Andrea out, her foot coming loose
from the hole in the trunk.
Andrea: You know, I'd love to hit you... but I guess I should be thankful,
really.
Sharon: Well, that's good. We brought you two some ice cream, for when
you got out from the lust potion's effects.
Andrea: I feel like crap...
Caro: Mutual. I just want to go home.
Sharon: Sure, I'll take you and Jim home. You going to be okay here,
Andrea?
Andrea: Sure, just take those damn potions home. And if I start humping
a doorknob or something, well... I'll tie MYSELF up.
Sharon takes Jim and Caroline back home, then goes back to her place.
Jim takes the potions, saying he'll use them on his future dates. Later
that night, Sharon is getting ready for bed.
Gavin: Sharon dear, you coming to bed?
Sharon: Just a minute, dear.
Sharon reaches into her medicine cabinet, and secretively takes out
the smuggled bottle of Corrs Lust Potion. She downs the whole thing.
Sharon: Grrrrr..... Gavin... where are you? Hehehehe.
A couple months later...
Jim is at his bachelor pad, watching MTV. They're doing that show which
is like the European version of TRL. The person on the show answers a phone
call.
TV: So what do you think is the most annoying thing in music?
Phone: I think those Corr people are totally annoying now.
Jim: Huh?
TV: Really? Why would you say that?
Phone: They're everywhere, they're like the New Kids On The Block,
they have all this merchandise and posters and every stupid thing under
the sun. I get so tired of seeing them every day.
TV: Wow... I think it's fun, I actually have one of those little dolls.
Phone: Ewww... my dog ate one of those. It was the guy one.
Jim: Hey!!!
TV: Hmm well thanks for the call! Folks that's the end of our show,
join us tomorrow when we actually have the Corrs, live in our studio, don't
miss it.
Jim grabs the phone. He doesn't even make a call, it practically answers
Andrea's incoming call.
Andrea: What? Oh. Were you just watching MTV?
Jim: Yes. I can't believe that!
Andrea: I can't either. Oh wait, I have another call. *click*
Caroline: Jim! I just heard something on the TV!
Jim: I know, I heard it too!
Jim's cell phone rings.
Jim: Yes Sharon, I saw it on TV.
Sharon: Aggh! I knew it was going too far!
Andrea: Are you talking to Sharon, Jim?
Jim: Yes I'm talking to Sharon.
Sharon: Who are you talking to?
Jim: Andrea and Caroline.
Sharon: Ooh, Andrea and Caroline? Tell them I said hi!
Jim: Sharon says hi.
Andrea and Caro: Hi!!
Jim: They say hi.
Sharon: How are you two doing?
Jim: Stop it! Ok, do you all think we should do this gig tomorrow?
I mean seriously, I've never been this way, but I'm honestly scared. Sharon,
go.
Sharon: We should. Just to be around the fans again.
Jim: Caroline?
Caro: I think so. I want to see their actual reactions.
Jim: Andrea?
Andrea: Yeah. I want them to see my new hairstyle.
Jim: New hairstyle?
Andrea: Yeah, I dyed my hair black.
Jim: But... don't you usually dye your hair black?
Andrea: Well yeah, but this is REALLY black. REALLY black black.
Jim: Hmm... the mind boggles the possibilities.
Andrea: Huh?
The next day, the Corrs are at MTV.
Announcer: Please welcome, Ireland's very own Corrs.
The curtains lift... and there is no applause. A few small golf claps.
Jim is frozen onstage, and looks to Andrea, who clears her throat.
Caro: Uh... one, two, three, four...?
They start playing Radio. Things seem to be smooth, except that the
crowd is making that horrible sound that every performer fears.
Andrea: (totally off key) It's late at night, and I'm feeling down,
there are...
Andrea loses her words.
Caro: Couples standing on the street sharing...
Caroline's brand new signature drumstick, the brass pipe one, flies
from her hand, which has never happened in years of performing. Jim's new
signature guitar sounds terrible. Andrea is sucking her thumb in fear.
Audience: BOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You guys suck!!!!!!
Sharon jumps to the rescue and starts madly playing Haste To The Wedding.
Jim's terrible guitar joins in, followed by a shaky Andrea who is trying
her best on the tin whistle. Caroline is barely keeping a beat, for the
first time in her life on stage completely terrified.
Just as it looked like they were going somewhere, Sharon's violin bow
bent in the middle and was now unusable. Andrea started playing notes all
over the scale. Jim gets clocked in the head by a bottle of Corrs Peach
Shampoo.
Audience member: Get off the stage!
Audience: Booooo!!!
Humiliated, the Corrs slump in a pub a half hour later.
Andrea: I can't believe what just happened. It can't be possible.
Caro: I never ever messed up like that... no way.
Sharon: I think this marketed crap isn't what we need... do you hear
how we sounded out there? I couldn't believe it, I would've reacted the
same way if I was part of the audience.
Jim comes back, looking glum.
Caro: How did it go? Did you talk to the company?
Jim: Yep, just got off the phone. (sits down) Well, they're seriously
considering dropping their, and I quote, "Worst mishap in the history of
the company".
Andrea: No way...
Jim: Way. We get one more performance, and if we can't cut it, they
cut us. I mean big time.
Andrea: Rgggh.... I don't know if I can take this.
Sharon: Well, we have to make this last performance count.
Jim: And I have an idea...
Caro: This doesn't involve me getting naked, does it? I mean... well...
Jim: No. It's going to take a lot of typing.
Sharon: Typing?
So, in the two weeks before the Corrs' final concert, Jim spends all
his free time on the computer, typing on every Corrs message board in existence,
selling 10-dollar tickets to anyone willing to come. He even makes travel
arrangements for at least an eighth of the people going to the concert,
and at some points even PAYS people to go. Jim loses count of how many
people he invites, and while he and his sisters are in their trailer backstage,
right in the middle of Times Square in New York, Jim is pacing back and
forth nervously.
Caroline: I am so very hoping everything goes well tonight... I can't
stand to see that same scene again.
Andrea: I know.
Jim: It won't be... I hope.
Sharon: How many people did you get coming here?
Jim: I don't remember... they were supposed to email me and tell me,
I set up an e-mail address for replies and got a few hundred.
Sharon: Well, better than nothing.
Jim: Did you get that stuff all sorted out, that thing in the beginning
before we...
Sharon: It's taken care of.
Half an hour later, the Corrs are behind curtain and ready to go. Outside,
the place is a mob. The police of New York are having huge problems keeping
everyone in order; they were expecting about 10 thousand people to show
up, but by the looks of it, there's much more than that.
The lights dim, and spotlights shine on a gigantic steel bowl filled
with crappy mass-produced Corrs merchandise. It is suspended in the air
by large black lines. Jim picks up a microphone and uses the best dark
voice he could muster.
Jim: Here is what we think... of really bad marketing...
Like an olympic torch, the merchandise is set ablaze in a huge bonfire.
The flames rise high into the air, smoke and peach shampoo fumes wafting
through the crowd. Even so, the crowd heavily enjoys it.
Caro: One, two, three, four...
Jim begins playing the beginning of What Can I Do? just as the curtains
rise. The crowd goes wild, so wild that Andrea can barely be heard over
the giant speakers.
Andrea: I haven't slept at all in days... it's been so long since we've
talked.
The audience starts singing along.
Andrea: And I have been here many day-ee-ays, yeah... I just don't
know what I'm doing wrong.
The crowd practically sings the chorus all by themselves.
Andrea: (Laughing) There's only so much I can take... and I've just
gotta let it go. And who knows, I might feel better, yeah, yeah, if I don't
try and I don't hope.
The ground is practically moving as 100,000 people move at the same
time, singing. The stage lights do a very sweet blue hue as fog machines
spit fog everywhere.
Andrea: No more waiting, no more... aching. You sing it!
Audience: No more fighting, no more... trying.
Andrea: You're all great!! Maybe there's nothing more to say... and
in a funny way I'm... calm. Because the power is not... mine... I'm just
gonna let it fly.
The stage lights glow bright red as the song picks up into the chorus
again. Andrea is dancing around like she always does, Jim is playing the
piano joyfully. As the song ends, the Corrs are nearly deafened by the
scream of the audience. Lighters ignite, casting a gigantic blanket of
fireflies.
Jim: Oh, rock on!!
The Corrs break into Secret Life, which again concludes with 100,000
people screaming their heads off. Meanwhile every American and European
music channel is feeding off the live footage from the cameras on the scene.
A signal across the world is nothing but The Corrs.
Andrea: How's everyone doing?
The audience deafens her.
Andrea: Wow... I didn't know Jim invited so many of his friends!
The crowd again goes wild.
Andrea: Well, I don't know what to say. I mean... well it's obvious
that over the past few months, we've gotten into some really bad things...
like the marketing, which seemed good at the time.
Jim: I think the Jim Corr Paper Bag was genious.
The crowd goes mad with laughter.
Andrea: And... hehehe... it was fun, I liked the fact that yes, I had
a doll. Somehow I think a lot of you felt the same way.
The audience is laughing.
Andrea: Yes, I undressed her too. And... wow. Really, her boobs are
so much bigger.
More deafening laughter, and Jim falls off his stool, ROFLHAO. (Rolling
on the floor laughing his ass off).
Caro: But really, we got too carried away. Like, what was with the
breakfast cereal? I kept getting little tin whistles poking my gums!
Sharon: Don't forget the lip balm... I had no idea I tasted that way.
Jim: Trust me, neither did I.
The audience is going insane.
Jim: But, this is a special concert, not just because it's right in
the middle of Times Square, but also because... well, our record company
wasn't happy with us for that little thing on MTV Europe.
Andrea: This is our last concert! We're breaking up! I hate you all!!
Hehehe!!!
Jim: Not quite...
The audience is in shock.
Jim: Sorry, my sister is still in the key of F Demented. What we mean
is...
The audience is back to laughing.
Jim: If we didn't get enough people here, tonight, then... well, let's
say we'd all be sad.
Caro: Awwww.
Sharon: They'd fire us!
Jim: Well... yes, I was trying not to be blunt...
Sharon: You can count on me. And hey, isn't this the longest you've
ever heard any of us talk onstage? I think Caroline is having seizures
from talking to much back there!
Caroline is giggling.
Andrea: So... well, we were only going to be able to do five songs...
I know, it's so short! But, we're going to try to make it worth your while.
The Corrs start Radio, Jim's guitar playing smooth as silk, Caroline's
drumming right on time. Just as the song is about to pick up into the chorus,
the Corrs pull out the funky punker wigs from the Would You Be Happier
video and rock out. Confetti is flying everywhere as one of the largest
parties ever held in Times Square took place.
The rest of the Corrs' concert yields two more songs, Would You Be
Happier? and Everybody Hurts, which ends with thousands of lighters in
the air. The news around the globe hailed it as probably the largest concert
ever to be put together in two weeks. The Corrs' contract was saved, and
everything was grand.
Except...
Back at home later on, Andrea is sitting on the floor, all five of
her Andrea dolls in the little red car running over the little Jim doll
over and over.
Caroline is at her home, putting select pages of the Playgirl Magazine
into the ever-nostalgic Corr Family Album.
Sharon is relaxing at her home in a soothing warm bath.
And... Jim is sitting on his couch, trying to delete 100,000 E-mail
replies.
The End