Crazy Girlfriend

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Jean and Gerry are out working in their aunt’s pub. It was 7p.m.; Caro and Andrea were happily playing Snakes and Ladders. Andrea, as usual, was leading.
Andrea: (throws the dice) Six! Have you seen a real snake before?
Caro: Nope. (throws the dice) Three! Oh shoite!
Andrea: Yay! Mr. Red ate you up! {Mr. Red’s one of the snakes} And you said a bad word.
Caro: No it’s not! Your turn!
The sisters continue to play. Sharon enters the room.
Sharon: Have you guys seen Jim anywhere?
Caro: Nope.
Sharon: It’s quite late. He should be home by now. Hey, can I play?
Andrea: Sure. We’re playing by eye colour, that way, if Jim wants to play, he can’t.
Caro: His eyes are blue, just like mine. Remember?
Sharon: Ahh… great strategy. Where do I start?
Andrea: You can start…
Caro: At 0
Sharon takes the green piece. Caroline throws the dice. It shows 5.
Andrea: 1…2…3…4…5. Oooh! Mr. Long ate you! {Mr. Long, as you should know, is another snake}
Sharon: Back to 0 you go. Come join me! Hehehe!
Caro: *sniff* I ain’t playin’ this dumb game!
Caroline runs into her bedroom, that’s shared with Andrea. Sharon and Andrea continued playing.
Sharon: Your turn.
Andrea: Sharon, I feel bad. I wanna stop playing.
Sharon: What?! When you’re winning? But you never do that.
Andrea: Me sister’s more important than some stupid game.
Andrea stops playing and runs into her room. Sharon stares dumbfounded at the place Andrea was sitting.
Sharon: What’s gotten into her?
Sharon went downstairs and put on a movie her parents told blantly to her not to watch. It was a romance movie, the uncensored type. Andrea and Caro joined her 5 minutes later. The man on the telly was passionately kissing his woman. :P
Sharon: *Sigh*…
Andrea: Eek!
Caro: Oooh! What are they doing?
Sharon: Oh, mammy didn’t give you the talk yet.
Andy and Caro: What talk?
Sharon: Never mind.
A few minutes into the show… The people on the telly were doin' it.
Andrea: Sharon?
Sharon: Hmmm?
Andrea: We found Jimmy.
Sharon: Where?
Andrea: In his room.
Caro: Doin’ that shaking thing the guy on the telly is doin’.
Sharon: WHAAAAT?!
Andrea: With a mean looking girl.
Caro: Yeah, she looked at us like a wampire when we opened the door.
Andrea: What’s a wampire?
Caro: I dunno. Heard it somewhere.
Sharon: I gotta call mammy.
Andrea: What if Jimmy gets angry?
Caro: What if the wampire comes and gets us?
Sharon: Doesn’t matter. I’m calling mammy.
Sharon dials the number of her aunt’s bar, where their parents perform.
Aunt Claire: Hello?
Sharon: Aunt Claire! It’s Sharon here.
A.C.: Hey lassie! What can I do for my favourite niece?
Sharon: Yeah, can you please call mammy?
A.C.: She’s busy now. Would you like to leave a message for her?
Sharon: Yeah, can you please ask her to call home as soon as possible?
A.C.: No problem. See ya, lass.
Sharon: Bye. *click*
While waiting for their mother to call, the girls headed upstairs to Jim’s room. Andrea reaches for the doorknob…
Sharon: No, don’t! We’re on a secret mission.
Andrea: Yay, we’re spies!
Caro: I’m huntin’ wampies! Hehehe!
Sharon motions her sisters to come closer to the door. They eavesdrop on Jim.
Caro: What’s that sound?
Sharon: Shhh! Be quiet.
Jim: I’ve never done this before.
Girl: Don’t worry baby, you’re gonna be just fine.
Andrea: *Eh* That’s a good line!
Sharon: Shhh! Just listen.
Jim: AHHH! AGGH! Oh wow!
Sharon: Oh yuck!
Jim: What are you doing?
Girl: Sucking your *bleep*
Jim: Don’t you feel disgusted? Ahh!
Girl: Nope, I’m used to it.
Caro: What’s a *bleep*?
Sharon: You don't have to know.
The phone rings
Sharon: Hallelujah! Finally!
Jim: Damn phone. Ow!
Girl: Aren’t you gonna pick it up?
Jim: Me sisters would do it.
Girl: You have sisters here?
Jim: (sounding worried) Yeah, is there a problem?
Girl: No, the more the merrier. Heheheh!
Sharon leaves to pick up the phone. Andrea and Caroline trail behind her.
Sharon: Hello?
Jean: Yes Sharon. Aunt Claire told me that you called.
Sharon: Yes mammy, I did. I think you need to come home as soon as possible.
Jean: Why, is there a problem?
Sharon: Yah, it’s about Jim.
Jean: What about him?
Sharon hears her father calling her mom.
Jean: Sorry Sharon, I’ve gotta go now. I promise we’ll come home as soon as possible.
Sharon: Okay, bye. *click*
Andrea: Did you hear the way she laughed?
Caro: Told you she was a wampire.
Sharon: What’s a wampire?
Caro: Something that bites people’s neck for blood.
Sharon: That’s a vampire, stupid.
Caro: Oh, hehehe…
Suddenly, they hear…
Jim: HELP! HELP!
Sharon: Jim’s in trouble!
They run up the stairs like horses. They reached Jim’s room. Jim was still screaming. Sharon cautiously opens the door…
They saw Jim tied up to his bedpost, stark naked.
Sharon: Kids, close your eyes!
Caro: (closed eyes) Did you see it?
Andrea: (closed eyes) Yah! Are they cooties?
Caro: I think so. But Jim’s too old to have cooties!
Andrea: Maybe they just last longer in some people.
Sharon: Okay kids; you can open your eyes now.
Caro and Andy: Don’t call us kids!
Caro and Andrea opened their eyes. Jim was covered in a towel while Sharon was tying an intricate knot. Suddenly…
Girl: Move away from him!
The girl, looking no older than 14, was holding Mr. Jinks, the paddle their parents used to punish them with. Her eyes were lit with madness and her hair was totally messed up.
Caro: She really looks like a vampire!
Andrea: Nah, she looks like she had a bad hair day…
Girl: Hush! All of you! Now GET OUT OF THIS ROOM! Or else, you’ll be PADDLED, like you’ve NEVER been PADDLED BEFORE!
Sharon: Hey! Who are you to…*WHOMP* Ow!
The girl whacked Sharon in the arse. Andrea and Caroline quickly scrambled out of the room. Sharon soon came out.
Sharon: *sniff* Ow! I think she broke my arse!
Andrea: Don’t worry, Sharon. We’ll take care of it.
They went into Sharon’s room, something considered sacred to Andrea and Caroline, because they don’t get to enter Sharon’s room except for times like this.
Sharon: Now, masseurs Andrea and Caroline, please handle my arse gently.
Caro: Sheesh sis, where’s your good faith in us?
Andrea: What’s a masseur?
Sharon: A person who massages someone else.
Caro: And gets paid for it.
Sharon: Oh no! Don’t you get ideas and put them into Andrea’s head.
Andrea: Hey, I’m supposed to be paid!
Caro:
After paying Caro and Andrea each 5 Euros, Caroline and Andrea agreed to massage Sharon’s arse.
Andrea: CAROLIIIIIIIIINE, WHERE’S THE LOOOOOOTIIIIIIIOOOOON?
Caro: COMIIIIIIIIING!
Girl: (from across the hall) KEEP IT DOWN!
Five minutes later, Jim’s sordid howls were accompanied by Sharon’s painful howls…
Jim: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Sharon: OWWWWWWWWWW! MY AAAAAAAAARSSSSE!
Andrea: (massaging) Don’t worry, it’ll be alright.
Caro: My, what a loud house we have tonight. I’m surprised the neighbours didn’t come knocking.
Andrea: They all went to the crack session, remember?
Caro: Oh yeah.
Sharon: OWIE!
Caro: Don’t worry. Jim’s suffering more.
Jim: HELP ME! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Andrea: (thinking) I wonder what would happen if I do this to her arse. *punch*
Blocks away…
Sharon: OWWWWWWWWW! ANDREA, IF WE EVER GET OUTTA THIS ALIVE, I SWEAR I’D KILL YOU!
Passer-by: Rotten kids. (shakes his head and leaves)
Back at the Corr residence…
Andrea: I’m sorry, Sharon. Did that hurt?
Sharon: (sarcastically) Oh no, you flew like a butterfly and stung like a bee. OF COURSE IT HURT!
Andrea: *sniff* I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Sharon: Oh, don’t cry! I forgive you.
All this while, Caroline was very quiet. She was thinking about something.
Caro: Guys, I’ve been thinking…
Sharon: Uh-oh!
Caro: Listen! We’ve gotta retaliate.
Andrea: What’s that?
Caro: Fight back!
Sharon: Where did you learn that?
Caro: Oh, me and me friends always do that in the hellhole, ahem, I mean school. Anyway, the girl’s been going too far. This is OUR house! We should get it back!
Sharon: Sounds like an independence plan…
Andrea: What about Mr. Jinks? And Sharon, you’re healed!
Sharon, who was jumping about, stopped and sat down. Caroline pondered for a while.
Caro: Mr. Jinks would be a problem. But if we could get him from the vampire, he would be very helpful.
Sharon: We need a plan first.
Caro: (deviously) That’s exactly what I’ve got.
Caroline spent the next 10 minutes telling her sisters about her plan. Soon enough, they were putting Caro’s plan into action…
Sharon: (shouting in front of Jim’s door) Come out, you B*TCH!
Andy and Caro: (silently) Oooh!
Jim: SHAAARON! HEEEELP MEEEE!
Girl: That’s it! (slams open the door, holding Mr Jinks in her hands) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Sharon: (boldly) For starters, we want our freedom back.
Girl: Uh-huh.
Sharon: Then we want our house back…
Jim: Hey! What about me?
Sharon: What will you give me?
Jim: Respect and silence concerning your secrets!
Sharon: Not enough!
Jim: I’ll be your personal slave for a year!
Sharon: And our brother back.
Jim: *phew*
Girl: (menacingly) And what would you do if I don’t?
Caro: We’ll do this. *kick* *kick* *kick*
Girl: OW! Why you…
The girl prepared to whack Caroline, but a kick in the shin by Andrea and a punch on the face by Sharon knocked her out cold. *thump*
Sharon: (dusting her hands) That should do the job. I’ll get Jim, you girls drag her in. Jim, are you neckid?
Jim: (painfully) Unfortunately, yes and a lot worse than that. Be careful of the broken pieces of glass.
Sharon entered the dark room carefully. She groped around and finally found the light switch. She turned it on and saw a naked and tied up Jim with bloody cuts everywhere.
Sharon: Brother, oh brother! What did she do to you?
Jim: Get me a towel and untie me first.
Sharon did what Jim requested. Andrea and Caroline dragged the girl in and used the ropes to tie the girl down. The Corr siblings then went to Sharon’s room, which was officially the headquarters of the Free-House-Operation. There, Jim fainted. *thump*
Andrea: What happened to Jimmy?
Sharon: OMIGAWD! Andrea, bring a bowl of hot water. Caroline, bring some cloth.
Sharon then cleaned Jim’s wounds and bandaged them while Andrea and Caro tried waking him up.
Andrea: Jimmy, wake up!
Jim: (mumble) Jim, you sexy-shag monster, who can ever be like you?
Sharon: Hmph! He’s still so self-centred even when unconscious.
Jim: (mumble) What can I do to make you love me? What can I do to make you care?
Andrea: Hey, that sounds good! Let me get a pencil and paper.
So Jim continued mumbling, Andrea continued writing, Sharon continued cleaning and bandaging, while Caro took watch over the girl.
Caro: (holding Mr. Jinks) You’re not so strong now, are you?
Girl: Give that back…*whap* OW!
Caro: Heheheh! That was for my sister.
Girl: Heheheh yourself. I just escaped from an asylum. I’ll call all my friends…*whap* OWIE!
Caro: What?! You’re from the place where they put all the crazy people?
Girl: Wow, you’re smart. Where did ya learn that?
Caro: Oh, my schools one too.
Sharon: Caroline, come here!
Caro: (mocking voice) Coming, mammy!
Jim: WHERE am I?
Caro: Home.
Jim: WHAT happened?
Sharon: A lot.
Jim: Where’s Andrea?
Sharon and Caro: She’s over…(looking behind them)
Jim: Well…where is she?
Sharon and Caro: Uh-oh!
Meanwhile…
Andrea: *MMFH* (hand clamped over her mouth)
Girl: HUSH! You are to remain silent!
In Sharon’s room…
Jim: What do we do?
Girl: Hey, look what I’ve got!
The others look in horror. Suddenly…
*ding, dong*
Jean: Kids, we’re home!
Gerry: Where are my beautiful and handsome children?
Sharon: Mammy, pappy, up here!
Gerry and Jean ran up the stairs.
Gerry: What’s going on here? Who are you? Let me daughter go!
The girl just laughed hysterically.
Caro: Mammy, she’s from the asylum.
Jean: Let’s handle this the old way. Girls, where’s Mr. Jinks?
Girl: Don’t even come near! I could kill your child.
She took out a broken piece of glass from her pocket and put it near Andrea’s neck. Andrea started crying.
Then, in slow motion, Jean grabbed the glass from the visibly shocked girl.
Girl: (in slow motion) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Time returned to normal. Andrea ran to Gerry while Jean kicked and punched the girl ferociously.
Jean: Get a taste of my jumping reverse-hooking kick!
It was slow motion again. Jean jumped up, twisted, and kicked the girl square on her temple. She fell, unconscious.
Corrs: (normal time) WHOA!
Gerry: You go, girl!
Jim: *Eh!*
Andrea: Mammy! Are you okay? (runs and hugs her)
Jean: Yah, just a few cuts from the glass.
Gerry: You did great, honey. (sweeps Jean into his arms) You look beautiful tonight.
Jean: (blushing) Well, I…
Gerry: (putting a finger on her lips) Hush. *smooch, smooch*… (romantic music playing in the background)
Jim: *smooch, smooch* Oh, I can’t watch this! (shielding his eyes)
Caro and Andy: Ewww…*smooch, smooch*
Sharon: *smooch, smooch* (getting tears in her eyes) Oh, this is so romantic!
Jim: *smooch, smooch* Uggh! (tiptoes away…
Sharon: And where do you think you’re going?
Caro: Yah!
Andrea: We’re telling!
Jim: But…but…
Girls: MAMMY, PAPPY! WE’VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!
-The End-