Nonsense and Hugh Grant

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Caroline: I…think…I’m…dying.
Sharon: You’re not dying. You’re just wearing a corset. And thank god we haven’t ended up in an action flick again.
Andrea: Uh…guys…
Andrea points to wear Jim is standing, looking very uncomfortable.
Caroline: Oh…my…God
The girls double up laughing.
Sharon: Jim! You’re wearing tights! And your hair!
Jim is dressed a la Hugh Grant in the flick. The girls are all wearing the same type of costumes as Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet.
Jim (grumpily): Alright, alright. You’ve made your point.
Andrea puts her hand out.
Andrea (between laughter): No, I’m sorry Jim. You have to give us a bit more time here.
Caroline (chokes): Stop me from laughing, please. This corset is going to kill me!
Sharon whacks her on the back and Caroline hacks for a few moments.
Caroline: Thanks Sharon.
Sharon: Anytime.
Jim: You know, I thought you lot had grown up a little bit.
The girls fell about laughing again, as the unsuccessfully tried to hide their amusement.
Hugh: Excuse me, may I be of service?
The group turned around.
Jim: Hello.
Hugh: Good day.
He bowed before the girls. Sharon, Caroline and Andrea looked at each other, shrugged and curtsied back. In the midst of her curtsy, Andrea fell over.
Hugh: Please, let me assist you.
As he takes her hand, romantic music is played in the background. Caroline pricks her ears up.
Caroline: Oh boy.
Sharon: What?
Caroline: Did you hear it?
Sharon: Hear what?
Caroline: The music.
Sharon: Yeah. Most movies have music in them, Caroline.
Caroline: Did you notice the particular type of music?
Sharon (dawns): Oh boy.
Hugh: My name is Edward Ferrars
Andrea: My name is Andrea Corr. These are my sisters, Sharon and Caroline, and my brother Jim.
Hugh: It is a pleasure to meet you all. And (turns to Jim) it’s so nice to see an elder brother chaperoning his sisters.
Caroline snorts with laughter and Sharon steps on her foot.
Caroline: OW!
Hugh (worried): Are you alright?
Andrea (practically ignoring her family now): She’s fine.
Emilie Francois (jumps out) On guard!
Hugh: Not this again.
He hands Jim his stick.
Hugh: Be a sport, old chap. My stomach is still recovering from last time.
Jim: Bu…
Andrea: He’d love to do it, wouldn’t you Jim?
Jim stares dubiously at the girl.
Jim: Uh sure.
Emilie gets a sneaky smile on her face that makes Jim quite uncomfortable. Hugh turns to Andrea.
Hugh: Would you care to join me in a stroll?
Andrea: Certainly.
As the two disappear, Caroline turns to Sharon and stamps her foot.
Caroline: This is NOT how it’s supposed to happen! He falls in love with Elinor, not Andrea Corr! I’m not going to have my favourite movie ruined!
She hitches up her skirt and decides to go up to the house and find Elinor. Sharon sighs and taking a last glance at Jim, follows her.
Emilie: Well? Are we going to play?
Jim: Sure.
He holds his stick out menacingly.
Jim: I warn you, I’m a black belt.
Emilie looks at his belt.
Emilie: You are not! Your belt is brown! Mine is white.
Jim (sighs): Let’s just play.
They clash sticks several times and Emilie jabs him in the stomach. Jim keels over.
Emilie: Come on!
Jim (groan)

Caroline and Sharon are wandering through the house aimlessly.
Sharon: Precisely what are we looking for?
Caroline: Elinor. I want her to detach Edward from our sister.
They hear some morose music coming from the parlour.
Caroline: That’s Marianne.
She wrinkles her nose.
Caroline: You’d think she’d play something different every now and again, wouldn’t you?
As Sharon follows her towards the parlour, she speaks up again.
Sharon: I thought we were looking for Elinor.
Caroline: Marianne might know where she is.
Kate: Who are you and why are you in our home?
Caroline: Well, for starters, you could play a different tune.
Kate (starts to panic): But, but, this is in the script! I don’t play anything else for at least five scenes!
Caroline gestures for her to move from the piano seat. Sharon sighs. Caroline counts herself in and begins playing Runaway.
Kate: That is so beautiful!
Elinor rushes in.
Emma: What is going on? (Notices Caroline and Sharon): Who are you?
Caroline: Just the person I wanted to see. Go get Hugh and detach him from my sister.
Emma: Pardon?
Caroline: I said go get Hugh and…
Emma: I heard what you said. (turns to Kate): This isn’t in the script. And I should know. I wrote it.
Kate: I know. That’s what I told them.
Caroline (grabs Emma by the arm): Look, this is a very simple concept and I’m sure you will be able to grasp it if you listen. And since you wrote the script you should know the ending. Now, in the end you and….
Sharon: STOP!!!!
Caroline: What?
Sharon: What if they don’t know the ending?
Caroline: But she wrote it!
Sharon (folds her arms): Fine. But I want no part of this.
Caroline: Fine. (turns back to Emma): Now, as I was saying, you and Hugh end up together. For some inexplicable and slightly disturbing reason, Hugh and my sister Andrea have taken a fancy to each other. I will not have my favourite movie ruined so you just go out there and get him back.
Emma turns to Kate.
Emma: This isn’t in the script.
Caroline puts her head in her hands.
Sharon: This could become a very long movie.

Hugh: So, you’re a singer?
Andrea: That’s right.
Hugh: How wonderful. I would be very honoured to hear you sing.
Andrea (blushes slightly): You’re very sweet.
Hugh: It’s very easy to be sweet around someone like yourself.
Andrea: I love the country here. It’s so beautiful.
Hugh: Do you ride?
Andrea (looks down at her skirt): Not in a dress, no.
Hugh looks confused.
Andrea: Not really, I don’t.
Hugh: Ah. Perhaps someone should teach you.
Andrea (gazes at him): Perhaps someone should.

Emma: Girl power? And who are the Spice Girls?
Sharon: I told you you shouldn’t have used them as an example. Anyway, it’s insulting.
Caroline: First of all, I didn’t pick them by choice. And second of all, I couldn’t think of any female composers!
Kate: I’m confused.
Caroline: I say we just take them to Andrea and Hugh and have a girl fight!
Sharon (looks shocked): You want to pitch Emma Thompson against our sister like a wrestling match!
Caroline: I said a girl fight, not the WWF. Besides, I’m sure Andrea can hold her own. That kid has a mean ankle kick. I think Jim’s still limping.
Sharon (in defeat): Fine. Let’s go.
Caroline takes Emma’s arm and drags her out. Sharon and Kate follow, somewhat bewildered. They pass Jim, who is rolling on the ground clutching his delicates, and Emilie is jumping around him making war cries. Finally, they reach the stables, where Hugh is talking softly to Andrea.
Caroline: Andrea Jane Corr! Unhand that man immediately!
Andrea: What are you doing here?
Andrea notices Kate and Emma.
Andrea: Or even better, what are they doing here!
Caroline: I won’t have you ruin my favourite movie!
Andrea: But he’s sweet and nice and polite and…
Sharon: For heaven’s sake Andrea, he’s a movie character!
She taps her foot and looks at her watch.
Sharon: Besides, we should really be going. I think Jim is in a lot of pain and may never reproduce.
Hugh makes a whimpering sound in sympathy. Kate and Emma look shocked. Caroline and Andrea make gagging noises.
Caroline: Gross! I don’t even want to think about him in that capacity.
Andrea: Me neither.
Caroline turns back to Andrea.
Caroline: So, are you going to fight with Emma over him?
Andrea: Why?
Caroline: Because Hugh ends up with Emma in the movie. That’s how it works.
Andrea: Wouldn’t you like some variety in your endings?
Caroline stares blankly at her.
Caroline: No.
Andrea frowns.
Andrea: Fine. (folds her arms): See if I care. I mean, you have the husband and the baby on the way. Sharon has the husband and Jim has a girlfriend. I’m the only unattached Corr sibling. All I’m asking for…
Sharon: You got her started again.
Caroline: Great.
Andrea: is a guy for me. A nice, polite, handsome fellow. And the minute I find someone that could be that person, you have to come along and ruin it just because you want your movie to stay exactly the same as it is.
Caroline: Okay, okay. You’ve made your point!
Andrea: So I can have Hugh?
Caroline: No.
Andrea: But…
Caroline: No.
Andrea: But…
Caroline: No.
Kate (whispers to Sharon): Do they do this often?
Sharon (nods): It can sometimes be quite entertaining. They’re both extremely stubborn. It’s a battle of wills.
Caroline looks around and notices Hugh and Emma have disappeared. She smiles and turns to Andrea, who is in the middle of another spiel.
Caroline: Andrea…
Andrea: And then you have the audacity to…
Caroline: Andrea…
Andrea: …which is really quite rude when you think about it…
Caroline: Andrea…
Andrea: …Besides, I happen to be the youngest you know…
Caroline: ANDREA!!!
Andrea: What?
Caroline: They’re gone.
Andrea: Who’s gone?
Caroline: Emma and Hugh.
Andrea: Already?
Sharon (smiling wryly): You probably exhausted them. Come on, let’s go and get Jim.