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San Francisco
The Corrs exit the hotel that they had just checked into, get into the car, and drive down to the ever-so-popular Fisherman's Wharf. They find a parking garage, park, and head out on foot.
Andrea: There's so many boats here, look at all of them.
Sharon: Almost reminds me of back home.
Jim: Anyone feeling incredibly hungry? I'm starving.
Caroline: I am!
Sharon: We ate an hour ago.
Jim: So? I'm hungry this minute. Let's find some seafood.
Sharon: But we should hurry along if we want to see everything, the boat ride, Alcatraz, the whole itenerary...
Caro: Blah blah blah....
The four walk along the sidewalk, looking at the many tourists and shops arranged all along the pier. Several shops are filled with San Francisco memorabilia, some are nothing but fish stuff, some are avant-garde clothing stores.
Andrea: We should shop for some new clothes here.
Jim: Expensive, expensive.
Andrea: You're cheap, cheap. We have the money.
Jim: Yes well only a limited amount is actually with us.
Sharon: It's called wiring the money, Jim.
Jim sighs.
There are all sorts of people around. One man is painted in silver body paint and silver clothing, doing a skit with a silver boombox. There is an endless array of card tricksters around, and standing nearby is a high-school Barbershop Quartet (inside joke).
Jim: I don't see anything seafood around here. It's all hot dogs and crunchy stuff, and the prices... oh dear.
Sharon: Let loose a little, brother. Who cares if the burgers cost as much as a tin whistle?
Andrea: Maybe me. I'd rather have the tin whistle.
Sharon: You can't eat a tin whistle.
Andrea: You can come close to, believe me. (sucks her thumb)
Caro: Look, you can see the Golden Gate Bridge from here.
The big red bridge stretched on for what seemed like miles.
Jim: Yes, and over there is the Silver Gate Bridge and the Bronze Gate Bridge.
Caro: Hardy har har.
Sharon: There's the boat that goes to Alcatraz.
Andrea: Are you obsessed with Alcatraz or something, Sharon?
Sharon: No, I've just got a bit of the tourist bug.
Caro: (whispering to Andrea) It secretly crawled up her a...
Jim: Here's some food.
They get in line at a place which serves basically fish stuff. Big fryers and skillets are sizzling in the back while workers jostle with fried fish snacks.
Sharon: All that grease...
Caro: Bring it on.
Andrea: I won't be surprised if I gain about ten pounds on this whole trip.
Caro: As if it'll be hard for you to lose it.
Andrea: True.
Jim: Why don't I order all the food, you go find a table?
Sharon: Oh, let's go. Jim sees another pretty register girl.
The sisters find a table and sit. An unattended stand nearby holds frozen fish. In the middle is a big fat Sea Bass.
Andrea: Oh, wouldn't I love to have you in my frying pan.
Caro: Gee, thanks for the compliment.
Andrea: No, I was talking to the fish.
Caro looks over at the fish stand.
Caro: Anybody watching?
Sharon: Oh no, what are you planning?
Caro goes over, hoists up the Sea Bass, and sits down next to Andrea with it. She holds its mouth with her fingers and starts making it talk.
Caro: Andrea? (weird fish voice)
Andrea: (laughing) Yes?
Caro: Do you enjoy cooking my family?
Andrea: What?
Caro: You've cooked my cousins, eaten my family tree. Pity me, please Andrea.
Andrea: Aww, poor thing. But alas, you're dead already. You're out of the water.
Caro: It's better than being in your skillet. All that butter popping around me. But then, it's not good to rot...
Andrea: True that is. You should be glad I don't let you rot.
Caro: Oh, how I've changed my ways! Give me a kiss, Andrea. (puts the fish to Andrea's cheek) mwuh mwuh!
Sharon: Gross...
Andrea doesn't care, she's laughing too hard. Caro gets up and puts the fish back on the stand, then sits down.
Jim comes to the table with large tray of fried shrimp, hush puppies, fried chicken filets, french fries, and fish filets.
Sharon: There goes this nation's oil... all into our meal.
Andrea: Actually crude oil is processed into many types of oil-based products, not just standard oil. Only some of it actually goes into foods, some into cosmetics, some into automobiles and other lubricants like lip balm. Then there are other flammable products like gasoline, kerosene, butane...
Sharon: Andrea?
Andrea: Yes?
Sharon: Hush.
Jim distributes the food among his siblings.
Jim: This is such a beautiful afternoon.
Caro: And that is such a beautiful girl at the till, eh Jim?
Jim: What are you talking about?
Sharon: You get this weird look in your eyes when you see a pretty girl, especially ones that work counters.
Andrea: Oh yes, I remember the barmaids at McManus's. Jim would stare and stare. Order Guiness after Guiness.
Jim: Well, what about you, sneaking sips from my "Guiness after Guiness"?
Andrea: Hey, I was thirsty.
(a seagull flies overhead)
Jim: You know, something ironic, we're near all this water and yet there is nothing to drink. I'll be right back.
Sharon: Please, you planned this. Because you couldn't think of something to say the first time around.
Jim: Exactly. Be right back. (He leaves)
Sharon: For a man nearing his forties, you'd think he'd find a woman by now.
Andrea: He's found them, just hasn't committed, which is typical for men.
Caro: Don't get me started.
Sharon: Doesn't apply to me husband.
Andrea: Well yes, but some of us around here aren't exactly happy members of the marriage club.
Sharon: Trust me, once you join, it's lifetime membership, so choose wisely.
A few minutes later, Jim returns, and he looks mad. He sets the tray of drinks down so hard they almost tip over.
Sharon: Something wrong, Jim?
Jim sits down.
Jim: She's a lesbian!!!
Sharon: Oh, poor Jim. Don't worry, another one will come along... then leave... then another.
Jim: 3 women in 3 days, I can't believe it.
Andrea: Unless you count those girls at the mall, and the one at the drug store we stopped at.
Jim: Maybe I should just turn gay.
Andrea: No, then the tabloids will be right. Have some fries, settle down, look at the women as they pass by, do that guy thing.
Jim: Maybe I should take off my glasses.
Sharon: No, it gives you a bit of an intellectual look. Put your arm up on the table, turn around, just look laid-back.
Caro: And sort of tilt your chin up like that? there you go. And just watch them with your eyes, don?t move your head too much.
Andrea: Hold your drink up, just survey everything, like a lion watching the land below. No, not crazy!
Jim: Do I look crazy?
All 3: Yes.
Caro: Just watch them, smile a little bit, look at their bums and their boobs, make it look like you?re looking. NO, don?t stick your neck out, just watch them.
Jim: I?m terrible at this.
After half an hour, Jim was kinda getting the hang of it.
Sharon: Here comes another. Just give her the look, let her KNOW.
The girl walks by, Jim watches her face and gives her a small smile. She smiles back, but walks away faster.
Caro: Almost. Maybe it?s because we?re all sitting here, maybe that?s the problem. Should we go over back there somewhere??
The sisters head over to a railing overlooking the water. Every now and then, they look back at Jim, who?s looking at them, panicking from being alone.
Caro: You?d think he?d know how to do this on his own!

Two young women on rollerblades roll by and see Jim "looking". They seem interested, and stop at the bench.
Andrea: Alright, way to go Jim!
Sharon: I think he has this well wrapped-up. Who's up for the tour to Alcatraz?
Andrea: For lord's sake, must we go to that stinkhole?
Sharon: Yes! (jumps)
Andrea: (to Caro) The bug...
Caro: Somewhere in her colon.
Twenty minutes later, the boat headed out slowly across the water, making a wide arc to the island in the middle. Fish scattered away as the boat cut through the water.
Caro: This boat ride is boring. We could be shopping right now.
Andrea: I know. I can't believe Sharon is so keen on going to this place, she's been asking the boat captain about the island since we got on this bucket of bolts.
Caro leans back and hocks a big loogie right into the ocean.
Andrea: Gross! Stop that! You know I hate it when you spit!
Caro: What, I barely do it and besides, that fish put this weird film in my throat and it's bothering me. *hocccck*
Apparently, the fish below seemed to like what Caro was doing to the water, and surfaced to sample. Andrea began to feel sick at the sight.
Caro: A little seasick, dear?
Andrea: This boat rocks too much. *burp*
Caro: Some people just can't sail. *hooock ptooie*
(barrrrf)
Caro: Look at the fish! They're flocking now! They like it, Andy!
Andrea was pitching her head back, fighting back. Caro looked at her, Andrea looked at Caro.
Caro: No, no!
Caro backed away, and Andrea let it rip, sending her recently-consumed lunch onto Caro's boots.
Caro: Lovely, lovely...
Andrea: I really feel bad... (wipes her lips) *burrp*
Caro: Just be glad these aren't my expensive ones. Face the ocean, dear.
*hurrrl*
A short time later, the boat touched down on the dock at Alcatraz Island.
Sharon: Wow, it's so beautiful!
Caro: This place looks like crap.
Andrea: I still feel like throwing up.
They got off the boat and onto the dock, and were soon on the tour of the island. A lot of it was a foot walk, which made Andrea even more queasy.
Sharon: Wow, this is gorgeous plant life.
Andrea: I don't feel well.
Caro: Did something move in that bush?
Sharon: Would you two stop whining? You're ruining this beautiful day.
Caro: Andrea already messed up me boots.
Andrea: Excuse me, but you know I hate it when people spit. Especially when other people endorse it.
Caro: You mean the fish endorse it.
Andrea: Exactly.
The tour continues, all the while Andrea's head is spinning, and Caro is annoyed by her wet socks. Sharon is thoroughly enjoying it all.
Jim, on the other hand, was walking down the streets of San Francisco with the two girls from earlier.
Jim: I'm so damn lucky. I wish I could thank the 3, wherever they ran off to.
Back to the sisters, after being frozen in time for a few weeks)
Caro: These damn boots are killing me now. I need to wash them.
Andrea: Stop whining. My boots are worse. They're too hot.
Caro: So, at least yours doesn't have your barf on them.
Sharon: Will you two stop? Think what the prisoners here went through.
They kept walking till they stood by a large cement building.
Tour guide: Now, off in the direction I'm pointing, is the main lodge for the park rangers. That is where we run the whole operation. Alcatraz is one of the most popular national park attractions on this side of the hemisphere. Behind me, you see one of the buildings with cell blocks. These stretched on for miles at some points and held some of history's most vile criminals.
Andrea: Were any of them named Osama?
Caroline walked to a puddle and splashed her boots a bit.
Sharon: What is the lighthouse put here for?
Tour guide: Good question. The light house was the first ever installed in this part of the country. It provides the many boats and ships in the area help in their navigation through the foggy Pacific Ocean.
Andrea: But was there an Osama?
Tour guide: Let's move on...
Andrea: Caroline! Come on!
Caroline catches up with the group as they continue on.
Meanwhile with Jim...
Jim and the two girls with him found a quaint little Irish bar, and were enjoying a round of drinks.
Jim: Oh wouldn't the girls love this. I wish I knew where they were.
Carly (one of the girls): Stop worrying about them, they're probably having a good time.
Chloe (the other girl): Yeah, you have us to keep you company now.
Jim: Eh, two's company, three's a crowd!
Chloe: I'll drink to that.
Back at Alcatraz...
Andrea: This floor is dirty. Why couldn't we just stay outside through this part, Sharon?
Sharon: They need to keep any eye on you two.
Caro: The whole WORLD keeps their eyes on us, Sharon.
The Corr sisters and their tour group walked among the cell blocks.
Tour guide: Now, if we would have some volunteers to go into the cell block, to see just what life looked like day after day for the prisoners.
Sharon: Oh! Us! I want to!
Andrea: Of course you do.
Sharon grabs Caro's and Andrea's hands and raises them up with hers.
Sharon: Us!
Caro: Sharon! Stop it!
Tour Guide: Okay, looks like three are very anxious, let's just open one of these. Open 54!!
The door squealed open loudly on its electric motor. Sharon literally dragged Andrea and Caroline behind her, and into the cell they went. The door closed with a loud slam, and immediately Andrea went to the bars and grabbed them.
Tour guide: As you can see, prisoners immediately felt confined and of course wanted out, much like the lady is demonstrating.
Caroline deepened her voice.
Caro: Come on over here, baby. Your girlfriend Bubba wants to have a talk. Come sit on my lap.
Andrea: Uggh! Get away from me!
The cell door opened again, and the Corr sisters got out.
The tour group continues on. Suddenly, Andrea is kicked in the back of the leg.
Kid: You're the mean lady!
Andrea: Oh no, not you again. Didn't you like the skateboard enough?
Kid: You're mean!
Caro: Who's the kid, Andrea?
Andrea: Back in the shopping mall we went to, he wanted my 8-ball cap and I wouldn't give it to him so he kicked me there and called me the mean lady.
Caro: Oh, so a happy reunion, hmm?
*kick*
Caro: Ow!
Kid: You're another mean lady!
Caro: That's not nice. You shouldn't go around kicking people.
*kick*
Caro: Stop! That's enough!
*punch*
Caro doubles over after being punched in the stomach. She spits on the floor.
Andrea: Oh, don't do that, Caro. You know I don't like that...
*punch*
Andrea is doubling over now.
Andrea: Ohh.... not good... *bleeecccccchhh*
Later, they catch up with Sharon.
Sharon: Where were you two?
Caro: Nothing, just got held up.
Andrea: Yep, everything's better now.
A kid with large yellow stains all over his clothes goes running by, screaming. Caro and Andrea look at each other and stay quiet.
Sharon: What was the problem with that child?
Andrea: I don't know, problem child... hmm. Let's move on.

Meanwhile with Jim...
Jim: Let's get another pitcher over here. And more water!
The girls Jim had been walking with had introduced the American bar custom of the wet t-shirt contest, and all the Irish men in the bar were having a very good time. The Irish women were fuming.
Jim: Oh, this can't get any better, can it?
Carly: It sure can! (gives him a giant kiss)

Back to Alcatraz...
Andrea: I can't see anything in this "hole."
Sharon: Of course, this is where they put the really bad people.
Caro: It smells funny in here too. When was the last time they cleaned it out?
Kid: Mommy mommy! The mean lady is gonna throw up on me again!
Andrea: How long have we been in here?
Sharon: About a minute I'd say. They said they'd keep us in here for what, 5 minutes?
Caro started to sound off an alto note, just a straight note. Sharon joined in with another note, and Andrea joined in, creating an eerie sound that echoed through The Hole. (Listen to the beginning of Little Wing for what I'm getting at.)
Kid: Mommy I'm scared! (weeping)
Andrea: Sharon, do you have a mint?
Sharon: Why? You been doing things I haven't known about? Caroline? Were you two...
Caro: Dear lord, what is the matter with you, Sharon?
Andrea: I've thrown up twice today, I need a mint.
Sharon: Why have you been throwing up? I told you not to listen to the tabloids.
Andrea: No, I had no choice, Caroline provoked it, being Ireland's loogie champion.
Caro: Hey, the second time wasn't my fault.
Kid: Mommy! The mean ladies are gonna get me!
Sharon: What is he going on about?
Andrea: Beats me.
Caro: He WAS beating you.
Andrea: Well kids shouldn't be kicking grown ups, especially grown up women. That's why I threw up on him instead of looking away.
Sharon: You threw up on the boy?
Andrea: I couldn't help it!

Then there was a man's voice.
Man: You threw up on my son?
Andrea: Uh oh...
Woman: So you were the ones who did it!
Caro: We didn't do it, we didn't mean to!
Andrea: He was being mean! He was kicking me!
Caro: And he kicked me too!
*kick*
Sharon: Ow! What the...
The little kid had a flashlight, and kicked Sharon. The kid's parents grabbed ahold of Andrea, Caro jumped on the mom's back with her hands around the woman's neck.
The door high above opened, and the park rangers looked in.
Ranger: How are you people doing down there? Ready to come back up? What's going on in there?
Sharon had the kid raised above her head, Caro was still hanging from the woman's neck, the man still had a choke hold on Andrea. They all let go of each other, but Sharon just let the kid drop with a thump.
Sharon: Let's go.
Kid: The other mean lady dropped me!
Sharon: Hurry up! Let's go!
The Corr sisters ran up to the entrance as fast as they could, out into the afternoon sun. They quickly hid behind other people in the tour group, near some park rangers.
Sharon: Damn, I'm going to get bruises now!
Andrea: I know too well...

Let's skip ahead about an hour or so, to the Corrs' hotel room.
Andrea: Lord, I want to just get into a bath and fall asleep a while. My feet are killing me.
Caro: YOUR feet? Mine are crunchy from your stomach activities.
Sharon opened the door to see a totally butt-a$$ neckid' Jim handcuffed to the bedposts.
Jim: About time you got here! Help me out of these things!
Andrea and Caro gasp, turn red, and head back out the door. Sharon had a better grip on things.
Sharon: What the hell happened?
Jim: They handcuffed me and took my clothes! And my wallet, and my suitcase, and all of our...
Sharon: Do NOT say what I think you're going to say.
Jim: Okay then, I won't tell you they took the money.
Andrea and Caro came back in.
Caro: The money?
Andrea: OUR money?
Sharon: The money we need for this ENTIRE TRIP????
Jim: Well, yes.
Sharon: Jim, please tell me you didn't bring ALL of it here!
Jim: I didn't think it'd be safe in the car!
Andrea: So we're broke! Great, just great. Fantastic.
Jim looked around.
Jim: Can you get me a blanket or something? I'm a little exposed here.
Sharon: I can't believe this! What else did they take??
Caro threw a cover over Jim and paced.
Jim: Let's see, they have my pants, and those had the car keys, the claim ticket FOR the car, my wallet, my lucky charms... that's about it.
Caro: We can't get into the car?? All my things are in the car!!
Andrea: Mine too!
Sharon: Oh you blew it this time, Jim. Andrea, call the police, maybe they can help.
Jim: Can't you get me out of these cuffs?
Sharon: What do I look like, a locksmith?!? You'll stay that way as punishment, mister!
Caro: (Tearing up) What are we going to do? We're stuck here! With nothing!
Sharon hugs Caroline.
Sharon: It's going to be okay. We're going to find the money, and get our things back. How's it coming, Andrea?
Andrea: What is the number for 911? Just kidding... they put me on hold!
Sharon: Just great. Jim, how long ago did this happen?
Jim: About 43 minutes ago.
Sharon: 43?
Jim: All I could do was watch the clock. I'm lying here naked and handcuffed, there's only so much I can do, you know?
Caro: I don't want to know. I just want to get out of this town. I hate it already!

A half hour later, Sharon gets ahold of a hammer and breaks Jim out of the handcuffs. Now he has some new bracelets.
Andrea: This is nice music. (Bobs her head with the phone)
Sharon: Hang it up, dear, nobody's going to help.
Andrea hangs up the phone.
Andrea: Well what now, then?
Sharon: I guess since we're STUCK here, we need to get out of this hotel and find a new place to stay. Maybe get jobs, earn some cash.
Caro: We actually have to stay here in San Francisco?? We barely survived the first day!!
Jim: Maybe you could go work at the Irish bar I went to. It could be like old times.
Caro: Oh, that's not too bad.
Sharon: Very good. Now Jim, since you're such an intelligent man as we ALL know, you get to track down those two wenches and get our money back, and anything else they stole.
Jim: ME?
Andrea: I'm not doing it again.
Sharon: And I have to sew you some new clothes, nature boy. Cazz, Andy, go find that bar he's talking about, get some jobs. I'll catch up with you two in a bit.
Caro: Let's go.
The two leave, and now Sharon looks at Jim, who's covering his naughty bits with a pillow.
Sharon: Sometimes I wonder who the real older sibling is, Jim. Get me that curtain and the sheet.
A few hours later, Andrea and Caroline return to the hotel room.
Jim: Hahaha! Look at your silly costumes!
Andrea: We're not the ones wearing drapes and bedspreads, Jimmy boy. This is normal, I missed those apron days.
Sharon: So how much did you two make? I should head down there soon myself.
Caro: Out of luck, they only had room for two. But we got about 20 dollars in tips each.
Sharon: So forty... that's barely enough to stay here. We'll have to find another place to stay.
Jim: In San Francisco? No place here will take 40 dollars.
Sharon: Well OUR wallets weren't stolen but that still only leaves us with 100 dollars and a shiny penny.
Andrea: I want the penny!
Jim looks at the sisters.
Jim: Wait, you didn't have your wallet stolen. What about you two? (referring to Andrea and Caro)
Caro: All back in the car, which is very locked.
Andrea: Yeah, she nearly set off the alarm trying to pop open the door.
Caro: Yeah, remember... "TEN SECONDS TILL THE ALARM SOUNDS."
Andrea: Woop woop woop!
Jim: What about checks?
Sharon: Traveler's checks are back in the car. You said we'd be going right back if we needed anything!
Jim: Yes well, that was a big mistake.
Sharon gets up from her chair.
Sharon: Okay, you two can relax, I'll try to see if I can pay the hotel and get a job. Jim, you have to hit the street.
Jim: Me? Why are you kicking ME out?
Sharon: NO, as much as I'd like to do that to you, I meant that you need to get out there and find those girls who stole our money! At least the car keys will do. No matter how much money we get we're NOWHERE without the car keys and your wallet. So let's go.

Sharon heads down to the lobby desk.
Sharon: Em, will this 100 dollars cover our hotel stay for at least a night.
Clerk: Barely. If you have a credit card, checking card, we could charge through those if you wish.
Sharon: Will a check do?
Clerk: Depends. You don't look like you're from here.
Sharon: Ireland.
Clerk: We don't accept checks here, miss.
Sharon: Well... (getting frustrated) Em, is there a place where I could get a job around here?
The clerk looks at Sharon, sizes her up, measures her figure with her hands.
Clerk: You'll do.
Sharon: Do? For what?
A short time later, Sharon is in a bright blue uniform with a square hat and gloves.
Sharon: Can I take your bag, sir?
Sharon returns a few hours later, exhausted.
Sharon: Damn woman. 3 luggage carts just to carry her APPLIANCES. It's a flippin' hotel!
Jim: Shh! Come on, don't you understand?? I have no claim ticket, it was stolen, along with the keys. Aren't I covered for that sort of thing? (talking on the phone)
Sharon looks at Andrea and Caro. Caro is asleep, Andrea is sitting on a bed sucking her thumb.
Andrea: He's been going on for about 20 minutes now, calling the car rental company. They can't get us back in the car, there was only one set of keys, Jim has no claim ticket and it was only him who signed for the car so our ID's won't do anything.
Sharon: I was thinking, while I was working, why don't we just call home and have them send money or just get another rental car?
Andrea: Yeah, nice uniform. You don't understand, we have thousands of dollars worth of items in the car. I have no clothes, which is why I'm sitting here in my knickers while my clothes wash. Our ID's are in the car, anything like a green card, Visa, everything is in there. We're illegal and broke, and all we need now is to be thrown in prison.
Jim starts yelling.
Jim: Well you know what, I'm going to take you to court! Ya, we'll see what's what! (slams the phone down)
Sharon: They hung up, didn't they.
Jim: I got to "you know what".
Sharon: Can't we wire money from home?
Jim: With what? We have no ID's, no ATM card of any sort. We're stuck here, Sharon, in case you didn't know that.
Sharon: Well EXCUSE ME! WHO HAD THE MOST VALUABLE THINGS STOLEN FROM US!!!??
Jim: It wasn't MY fault! You three set me up with them!
Sharon: THEY CAME ALONG!!! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO GOOFED UP!
Jim: Stop blaming me for everything, you ***** !
Sharon gasps.
Sharon: What... did you just call me...
Caroline wakes up from her nap.
Caro: What's going on?
Andrea: Shh. We should hide. Come on, under the bed. (they crawl under)
Sharon: Don't you EVER call me that word!
Jim: It's what you are!! All day, just yap yap yap yap! Like a little dog!!
Sharon slaps Jim across the face and attacks him. Jim shoves her off and heads out the door. Sharon puts her head out the door as Jim storms down the hall.
Sharon: You'd better NOT come back here until you have those damn KEYS!!! (slams the door)
Andrea: (whispering) Damn, it's like a husband and wife fighting.
Caro: And we're the scared little children hiding under the bed.
Sharon: ANDREA!! CAROLINE!! GET YOUR BEHINDS OUT HERE!!
Andrea and Caro come out from under the bed.
Sharon: Em... we need to figure out our budget. These first few days are going to kill us if we don't spend wisely.
Andrea: Are you okay, Sharon?
Sharon: I'm just fine, just... DAMMIT, if only Jim had an ounce of INTELLIGENCE!
Andrea: Sharon, maybe you should sit down, relax. Me and Cazz will figure out the budget.
Caro: Me?
Andrea: Any better ideas?
Caro: Actually yes. We should break into the car.
Andrea: As I said, any BETTER ideas?
Caro: Don't give me that. I don't care if the car gets towed because of the alarm. I'm not going to be money-less AND without clothes.
Andrea: Right. Em, maybe we should wait for my clothes to dry.
Caro: Just wear your work uniform. Let's go.

They go down to the parking garage, where the car sits silently, waiting to be opened. Caro looks in the window.
Caro: We might be able to open one of these rear windows. This one's open partway.
Andrea: Can you reach in?
Caro: The alarm'll probably go off again. But I'll try.
Caro tries to squeeze her hand through the window. The car starts to speak.
Car: MOVE AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE OR ALARM WILL SOUND IN TEN SECONDS. 10... 9... 8...
Andrea: Caroline!
Caroline tries to pry the window open, but it won't budge.
Car: 4... 3... 2... 1...
Andrea: Damn!
There was silence.
Caro: That's all it does?
Andrea: I guess so. Let's try again.
*WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP WEEEE OOOO WEEEE OOOO*
Caro: Damn! Should I break the window?
Andrea: No. There's a cop coming!
Caro: Crap. Hide!
They duck behind cars just as a security guard comes up in his cart. He gets out, looks around their vehicle, looks inside. The alarm is still going off.
Andrea: (mouthing) What is he doing?
Caroline shrugs.
The guard takes out a little square device, and waves it under the left fender. The alarm stops. He gets out a book and writes down a note, then sticks it in the windshield wiper. He goes back to his cart, and drives off.
Andrea: What'd he put?
Caroline takes a look at the note.
Caro: Says "De-activated alarm. See security with claim ticket."
Andrea: Well that's good, now we can break in with peace.
Caroline and Andrea come back an hour or so later.
Sharon: Did you break into the car?
Caro: No, it'd take the IRA and that little kid who kicks people to get into that thing.
Sharon: Well, nice try anyway. I'm still mad at Jim... all the money, he brings ALL of it here. That's $50,000. I'm sure those girls are having a nice night on the town now.
Andrea: I just hope Jim finds them.

We now join Jim, wandering the streets of San Fran.
Transvestite on corner: Hey baby, nice clothes. You make them yourself? I'd like to see what's under them, mmm-hmm.
Jim doesn't answer, just walks along. He looks at the various shop and store windows, hoping to see the girls from earlier. Sharon's yelling was still on his mind.
Jim passed an alley, and something caught his attention. He looks in and sees a door with red lighting above it. He goes into the alley and reads the sign.
HOUSE OF VOODOO
Jim: You have to be kidding me.
The sign morphs, and says something else.
NO JOKE. ENTER.
Jim complies, and wanders into the shop. Voodoo beads are hanging from the ceiling, strange voodoo artifacts on shelves everywhere. A strange voodoo doll stares at Jim with giant eyes, and he shudders.
Fortune teller: Enter, Jim Corr.
Behind green beads, a beautiful dark-skinned woman sits upon a chair, with a gold-rimmed table in front of her. Jim is instantly taken by her beauty.
Jim: How did you know my name?
Fortune teller: I envisioned you coming here. You are a man in need of help, am I not right?
Jim: Wow... do you have a name?
Fortune teller: You may call me Soontani.
Jim: Soontani?
Soontani: It's short for Soontanimuhamikawishimanookamiwi.
Jim looks around.
Jim: Em, nice place you have here. Isn't this against a building code?
The voodoo music stops.
Soontani: Are you a building inspector?
Jim: No. Just asking.
Soontani: It's safe, I assure you. (music starts again) Have a seat, James.
Jim: Em... on what?
Jim is startled as he floats on air, as if though a cushion had been shoved under him. Now he was sitting level with Soontani.
Jim: Wow. So you...
Soontani: Shh. I know you are a man of many questions. I am a woman of many answers. But I have a question in you.
Jim: Em, go ahead, I think.
Soontani puts her hands on her forehead and gives Jim a half-open-eyed gaze.
Soontani: Do you truly believe in my voodoo power? Only if you do can I help you.
Jim: Em, I haven't given it much thought. I've never really been in a voodoo shop.
Soontani takes a deep, cleansing breath.
Soontani: As long as you believe in my power to help you, you shall have progress. I assure you, this is no evil. My main focus is the destruction of evil. Now, do you believe I can help you?
Jim isn't sure what to say, even though the woman can start and stop music without controls and is making him float through the air.
Soontani: I can see you're stressed. And by your wardrobe, I can see you're without currency at the moment. Currency is one of the largest known causes of stress.
Soontani waves her hands. Two glasses of transparent blue liquid float from a table, one going to her, one floating in front of Jim.
Soontani: Drink. Relax.
Jim: What's in it? (takes the glass)
Soontani: Voodoo ingredients I cannot mention. And Nutrasweet.
Jim: Well... bottoms up, I guess.
Soontani: Don't be Irish! I mean... slowly. Drink slowly.
Jim swirls the liquid around in the glass, and takes a sip. Immediately he feels relaxed, floating a bit more than the invisible pillow is making him. Soontani smiles, and makes the glass float away.
Soontani: You're now cleansed. I shall now predict.
Soontani puts her hands to her forehead and closes her eyes.
Soontani: You're on a vacation... you're definitely trying to solve a problem. Again, this is money, am I right?
Jim simply nods.
Soontani: Your family is disappointed. Expecting things. Is this correct?
Jim: Yes. I've been very irresponsible. I've let them down.
Soontani: You've lost something important.
Jim: Yes. All our money is gone. My sisters have had to get jobs. We've tried every way out...
Soontani: Your hormones are a cause of this trouble.
Jim: Em... I guess.
Soontani opens her eyes, and uses her hand to conjure up an image of two faces. One is Carly, the other one is Chloe, the two girls who robbed him.
Soontani: You know these faces, yes?
Jim: Yes. They robbed me! Could... you help me find them?
Soontani makes the images disappear.
Soontani: We must dig down into the source of this problem. Your sisters have tried to get in touch with it. You know well what I am speaking of.
Jim: What?
Soontani: Your hormones, Jim. They're raging like a preteen child. You've left behind a trail of lies with this raging.
Jim shakes his head.
Jim: I don't know what you're saying.
Soontani: You were at a hotel recently. A similar incident... you know of the lie I am speaking of.
Jim: Well... em... could you give me a hint?
Soontani: You know well!
Jim: But I don't know!
Soontani uses her hand grab hold of Jim's face. She's six feet away. There is no actual contact. She contorts his face a bit, pulling his nose down around his chin, one of his eyes going back around his ear.
Jim: Okay, okay! I lied!
Soontani puts Jim's face back.
Jim: But how can I tell my sisters that I didn't actually have sex with that girl?
Soontani: You did.
Jim: Well... they'll make fun of me.
Soontani: I know what you are speaking of.
Jim: What do you mean?
Soontani winks.
Soontani: It is okay. The average male only lasts 5 minutes
Soontani thinks.
Soontani: Usually less.
Jim: So... I'm better than average? (smiles big)
Soontani sighs.
Soontani: I'm afraid I've done all I can with you tonight, James Corr. You must repair damage with your siblings.
Jim: So I should tell them about me being more than average?
Soontani: No. Simply relieve the tension. Only by having harmony with your family can you accomplish your next task. When you do, return. But not during the day.
Jim: Why, is it bad voodoo to do that?
Soontani: No, I'll just be sleeping. Now go, James. Set things smooth with your siblings.
Soontani takes the invisible pillow out from underneath Jim, and he falls on his bum. Jim gets up, and heads for the front door. He looks back at Soontani, staring more at her body. She motions him away, and disappears in a cloud of smoke. Jim is stunned, and leaves.

Back at the hotel...
Sharon: Where is that man... it's almost midnight.
Andrea: I hope he's okay.
Just them, Jim comes in.
Caro: Jim! There you are!
Sharon: I'm really sorry for yelling at you, Jim.
Jim: It's okay. I bring you all gifts.
He hands them bags, and the sisters go through them.
Andrea: Wow, this is a really nice shirt.
Caro: He brought back food, too!
Sharon: This is a gorgeous pair of pants... Jim, how did you afford this?
Jim: Oh, some undiscovered sources. (wrinkles his toes in his new pair of sandles, where his $900 boots used to be.)
The next day, the Corr sisters went to work while Jim spent the day prowling the streets and Fisherman's Wharf.
Andrea: Caroline! We need another Guiness over here!
Caro: Coming up. Why can't you get it yourself?
Andrea: You're next to the tap.
Caro fills a glass full of beer and brings it over to Andrea, who drinks a swig from it before putting it on her customer's table.
Andrea: That'll be an extra dollar.
Caro: Andrea!
The patron doesn't mind at all, and smiles as he tucks a one dollar bill in Andrea's apron belt. There was about 30 dollars in there.
Caro: You have so many tips, how do you do it? All I've gotten is a quarter.
Andrea: You just have to know how to work it. (Yells) Who wants to see me dance again??
Many hands raise, and Andrea starts dancing a jig to the Irish music playing. She grabs Caro's arm and swings her around. Caro joins in and soon the whole place is laughing and clapping.
Meanwhile, Sharon is loading the last of a very heavy load into a van.
Sharon: If I break my back, I swear I will sue. For a million US, or Euro, rrgh!
She shuts the back of the van, and a man from the sidewalk takes out his wallet. He's a big fat man, not exactly the kind of person who'd be staying in a fancy hotel.
Man: Here's something for your trouble. (Hands her a quarter)
He gets into the van, and drives away.
Sharon: One... stupid... quarter...
Just then a big tour bus pulls up.
Sharon: This has to be good. I wonder who it is.
The bus door opens, two bodyguards push Sharon out of the way, and out stumbles Britney Spears, dressed in... or not dressed in... something.
Sharon: Why... why me?
The bodyguards whisper into Britney's ear.
Britney: Oh, just let a bus boy person handle it, ya'll.
The driver gets out, and starts opening the bottom compartments of the bus. Sharon sees endless numbers of suitcases and bags.
Sharon: Can't somebody help me with this stuff? Why am I the only person working?
The person from the desk looks at her from inside.
Clerk: It's Sunday.
Sharon: Well then shouldn't I be off today?
Clerk: If you want to keep your hotel room, you're gonna want to work as much as I make you. Don't make the people wait.
Sharon: Oh lord, please save me. Save me now. I don't care about dropping dead right here, just save me. Take me away.
Bodyguard: Are you going to unload these bags or what?
Sharon: Going to be a long, long day...
Meanwhile, Jim is walking along the pier, hopelessly trying to find the girls who stole their things.
Jim: Just sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide....
Just then, two girls in tank tops cruise by on roller blades.
Jim: It's them! YOU, STOP!
Jim chases after them, grabs ahold of one. She turns around and looks at him with a glare on her face. Jim doesn't recognize her.
Jim: Oh... dearly sorry, miss. I thought you were somebody...
The girl starts yelling.
Girl: Kevin!!!!
"Kevin" looks from across the way, a tall, muscular, spiked-haired guy with sunglasses and one heck of a temper.
Girl: He tried grabbing me! (points at Jim)
Kevin starts to stalk toward Jim.
Jim: Uh oh... well, got to run! (Runs off down the pier, with Kevin in pursuit.)

At the Irish Bar (known as McNeil's), Andrea and Caroline continue to keep the place rowdy and jumping.
Andrea: Can he make it? Can he make it? (pours beer into a man's mouth, raising it and raising it)
The bar is jumping. Caroline is behind the bar now, serving up drinks, sliding them across the bar like a professional.
Caro: Andrea over there actually used to do this. I used to be the crazy waitress. Who's up for another Coors? Hehehehe
Andrea: You want to see me dance again? Give me 10 dollars and I'll do it WITHOUT the shoes. Yes, it's better that way! HEY! Don't you touch me bum!

Jim on the other hand is running for his life. Kevin, as big as he was, was closing on Jim as he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him.
Another transvestite walks up a flight of stairs off the Jim's right, keeping the lookout for policemen. Jim sees an opportunity.
Kevin stops, looks around, wondering where Jim went. He goes off in another direction, and Jim crawls out from under the transvestite's big fur coat.
Transvestite: Ooh! What you doin' under there, honey? You lookin' for somethin'? Maybe I have it!
Jim runs down a flight of stairs and walks under a bridge, catching his breath.

Sharon pushes the last of the bags into a large hotel suite, hearing the annoying drawl of Britney Spears' voice droning on and on at the telephone. Sharon unloads the bags on the floor.
Sharon: Well, that's the last of it.
Britney gets off the phone.
Britney: Okay, thanks a lawt, ya know?
Sharon: Em, tip please? (thinking to herself)
Sharon holds out her hand, indicating what she wanted. Britney gives her five (as in the hand slap). Then she turns around and makes another call. Frustrated, Sharon looks to see that Britney isn't looking, then hocks and deposits a nice one right on Britney's platter of food.
Sharon: Have a good day. (chuckles and leaves)
Jim sadly walks along the beach, wishing he had more luck. He wished that it was night again so he could visit Soontani and get advice. Jim sits down on the sand, and lies back.
Jim: I wish I were home... just home.
He fades off to sleep.
Gerry: Now now, Andrea, you'll get your turn. Jim is teaching Caroline how to play, soon you'll get to.
Jim was dreaming about way back, when he and his sisters were a lot younger, not even a band yet.
Caroline: Come on, Jimmy, I don't wanna play anymore.
Jim: You sure? Well okay. Andrea, you want to learn?
Andrea: Yay!
Andrea climbs up onto the piano stool, and sits down. She can barely see the keys.
Andrea: I can't see the keys, Jimmy.
Jim: Here, sit up on me lap. Can you see better now?
Andrea: A bit.
Jim: Okay now, playing piano is easy, all you have to do is train your ear to the keys. After that it's easy. We'll try something simple for you. Press this key right here, it's called Middle C, you should refer to it if you ever have problems.
Andrea tries pressing the key, but her little fingers aren't strong enough to press it down.
Andrea: It's too big, Jimmy! I can't press it.
Jim: Oh... poor thing.
The Corrs' father Gerry comes back in.
Gerry: Maybe little Andrea would like to try this, eh? (Holds out a tin whistle)
Andrea grabs hold of it. The thing is almost bigger than her arm. Jim laughs.

Jim opens his eyes, and sees a claw.
Jim: Wha...
The crab begins to walk on Jim's face.
Jim: CRAB! CRAB! AGGH!
Jim jumps up, the crab falling off his face and angrily skittering away across the sand.
Jim: Off with you! Or I'll boil ya and serve you for lunch. Yea... stupid crab...
Sharon stops by the Irish pub during her lunch break to check on Caro and Andrea. By then the place had quieted down a bit.
Andrea: Sharon!
Andrea comes out from behind the bar.
Andrea: This your break?
Sharon: Yes. Em, have you seen Jim at all?
Andrea: No. Not since this morning. Want an ale?
Sharon: Sounds good, I could probably use one after what I've been through today.
Andrea: Caroline! Get Sharon an ale. Sit down. You look like a cop in that uniform.
Sharon: Yeah, back home.
Jim walks into the pub.
Sharon: Did you find them?
Jim: Sure did.
Sharon: You did??
Jim: No. Just kidding.
Sharon punches Jim on the arm. Caroline puts a beer on the counter.
Sharon: You actually almost blend in with the beach dwellers.
Jim: You kidding me? In burgundy window shade pants and bed sheet shirt?
Sharon: Yes, surprisingly. You look like you should be wandering the deserts of Afghanistan.
Jim: Might as well be after what I've been through. Frilly pants or not. No luck at all, almost got beaten to hell by some protective boyfriend character.
Sharon: Don't complain. I had to put up with a bratty pop princess.
Jim: Oh, I understand the torture.
Caroline puts her apron up and comes around to a barstool.
Caro: So two bad days. Me and Andrea have been making off like bandits around here, more tips than you can shake a stick at.
Jim: Really? How much did you make?
Andrea: Somewhere around 200 dollars for just me. And my feet are hurting from the dancing.
Caro: I made about 150.
Sharon: I made a quarter. How's that? (laughs)
Jim sits down and takes his sunglasses off. He looks at them.
Jim: How much do you think I could make off these?
Sharon: Don't. You're not selling your glasses, your boots were enough.
Jim: I don't care, I still feel bad.
Sharon: Don't worry, we'll repay you later for what happened. Unless you find them and actually get our things back.
Jim: So how should I solve this mystery?
Andrea: I'd check the apartment buildings and hotels around here. Maybe they live close by.
Caro: Did they say anything about where they live? What if they don't actually live here?
Jim: Let's not think of that. But I do know that they knew a lot about San Francisco. So they have to be from around here.
Andrea takes a drink from Sharon's beer. Sharon quickly snatches it away.
Caro: She's probably had about a whole glass today anyway.
Andrea: Yes, and I get paid to do it.
Jim: Well, no use sitting here twiddling my thumbs, might as well keep looking. Later, all.
Sharon: Bye, Jim.

Jim steps back out in the sidewalk, passing street vendors. He gets an idea.
Jim: Excuse me sir, have you seen 2 girls on roller skates since yesterday?
The man was simply sitting on his chair. Not saying a word.
Jim: Em... can you hear me?
The man raises his hands up in an epic pose.
Man: To be, or not to be? What do you think?
Jim: Um, thanks anyway. Good luck with the poetry.
Jim walks away. The man looks at him.
Man: That'll be a dollar!
Hours later, Sharon takes off her uniform in a back room in the hotel. Now she's only in the white dress shirt and pants. She walks out into the lobby and presses the button for the elevator.
Britney: So like, yeah, ya know?
Sharon got annoyed.
Sharon: Damn, can't that girl speak normal, like, ya know?
Britney Spears and other un-named people were lounging in the couches in the lobby.
Britney: Hey, bus-girl lady. Hey!
Sharon turns around.
Britney: Can you like, do me a favor, ya know?
Sharon: What?
Britney: Can you like, fax a message or somethin', ya know what I'm talkin' bout?
Sharon: No, like, I'm off-duty, ya know? Really.
Britney: Lordy, ya'll aren't nice 'round here.
The elevator arrived, and Sharon stepped in, then turned around.
Sharon: We're like, not payed to be nice to ya'll, ya know? (flips her off as the door closes)

Jim walks along the sidewalk, his feet hurting, talked out. He had asked vendors and building landlords questions all day, with no luck. He saw the alley from the night before, and decided it would be a good time to drop in.
When Jim entered the voodoo shop, the floor was covered in fog, and the room was glowing green.
Jim: Hello? Soontani?
Soontani: Enter.
Jim stumbles over beads on the floor and falls on his face.
Soontani: Watch your step.
Jim: Thanks for the warning. (gets up)
Soontani lifts her hand, and all the beads float to her palm, forming a snake. The snake wiggles, sticking out its tongue, then disappears.
Soontani: I sense you come with questions, James Corr.
Jim: Yes, actually.
That invisible pillow zips under Jim again, and he is now sitting in mid-air.
Soontani: Speak.
Jim: Well, em, things are better with my sisters. We're all getting along now.
Soontani: I sensed that, James. Your aura is strong with your siblings. Now for the problem currently at hand...
Jim: I've searched very far today. I cannot find the women who robbed me. I haven't the slightest clue of what to do.
Soontani shakes her head.
Soontani: The answers you seek are simple, James. You're very pressured. Your mind cannot center.
Jim: Well I've had problems with ADD in the past...
Soontani: This is not a medical problem, James.
Jim: Is there anything you can do for me?
Soontani motions with her arms.
Soontani: Come to me, James. Sit.
Jim: Huh?
Soontani: Sit on my lap, stupid.
Jim goes over and takes a seat. Soontani begins to rub his head.
Soontani: Your mind is concentrating on too many things at once. You're not paying enough attention to one thing. Therefore, you are not giving enough attention to anything.
Jim: I always did have a busy mind.
Soontani: You must calm yourself.
Jim: Is this some sort of relaxation technique?
Soontani picks up a brown woven bag filled with dust.
Soontani: I shall help to aid your problem, James. However, you must promise me one thing.
Jim: What's that?
Soontani: Don't sneeze. (pours the dust over Jim's head)
At first Jim wants to sneeze, but he isn't conscious enough to do such a thing.
*TWEEEEEEET*
Jim: Ow!
Andrea: Wake up, Jim. It's Saturday. We're supposed to play the piano today.
Jim sits up in bed. Little Andrea is standing on the bed, holding her tin whistle.
Jim: Don't you ever take a break from that thing?
Andrea: Nuh-uh. *tweet tweet*
Down the hall, they hear:
Sharon: Caroline! Hurry up with the bathroom, you take all bloody morning!
Caro: Almost done!
Jim: They fighting over the bathroom again?
Andrea: Uh huh. Since I woke up. Caroline doesn't need to do anything, she just stays in there to bug Sharon.
Jim: Sounds like she does a fine job of that. (gets out of bed and rubs his eyes) Isn't it your birthday tomorrow?
Andrea: Uh huh. What you get me?
Jim: I'm not telling. You have to wait. How old are you now, 21, 22...?
Andrea: 6, Jimmy!
Jim: Wow then, better cancel the male stripper.
Andrea: Hehehe you're funny, Jim.
Jim gives Andrea a horse-back ride out into the hall. Sharon is standing at the bathroom door with her towel, her hair in a fuzz.
Jim: Ah, another round of bathroom battles?
Sharon: Shut up. Caroline, get out of the bathroom and give someone else a chance!
Caro: No! I'm not done yet.
Andrea: Yes you arrrrrrre!
Caro: No I'm not! Hehehe.
Sharon: I'll get the key! Don't make me get the key.
Caro: Go ahead and get it.
Sharon: If you make me get the key, you don't get to watch any cartoons. I'll pull the knob off the TV again.
The door opens and little Caro comes out.
Sharon: At last...
Jean: Pardon me, excuse me. (goes into the bathroom and shuts the door in Sharon's face)
Sharon: Bloody hell, I'll just hang me bum out the window then.
Jim: Hahaha look out below!

Jim suddenly wakes up.
Jim: Ah.. ah..
Soontani: Don't sneeze. I'm halfway done.
Jim falls back asleep again.
Andrea: I learned the train song last night, Jimmy. Wanna hear it?
Jim: Sure.
Andrea gets on the piano bench and sits on her little stool, provided by her parents, so she could be a little higher up to play.
Andrea: I can play it fast, too! Can you sing it Jim?
Jim: Okay, give me a shot.
Andrea starts playing the song.
Andrea: Chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga... Jim!
Jim: Oh wait.. em... oh yeah. Look at me, I'm a train on a track, I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chooka train, yeah, choonga choonga choong...
Andrea: Faster!
Jim: Look't me gotta load on m' back I'm a train 'm a chooka train...
Andrea: You messed up! Faster!
Jim: Beenahardday yesithasbeen a hardday yes it... agggh! Too fast!
Andrea: Hehehehe! (stops playing)
Jim: Enough playing for now.
Jim picks Andrea up by her feet and carries her across the room.
Andrea: Hehehe I can see your feet, Jimmy. You have hair on your toes, Jimmy. Hehehe.
Jim abruptly wakes up.
Jim: AAAAAH CHOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Soontani: It's okay, you're finished. Now, go, James. And may you think more clearly. Go.
Jim wobbles to his feet, and giggling, walks out the door of the voodoo shop.
Jim comes back to the hotel to find Andrea and Caroline asleep already, Sharon still up reading a book.
Sharon: Any luck?
Jim: No. But things will go better tomorrow, I'm sure of it.
Sharon: Wish I had your spirit. Having to actually work again is the hell of all hells to me right now.
Jim: Don't worry. I promise, within two days I will have those girls, and we'll be out of here. Maybe we'll visit New York or something.
Sharon: New York? Now? Hawaii is what I could use. Warm beaches, sand...
Jim: I can picture it now. And I mean it, I will find them.
Sharon: You shouldn't make promises you don't know you can keep.
Jim: Trust me... somehow I just know. Well, I'm gonna get some shut-eye. Love ya.
Sharon: Back at ya.
Jim lies down on his neatly situated sleeping place on the floor. He fixes his pillow around and closes his eyes. The light from Sharon's reading keeps him from falling asleep.
Jim: Downtown... everything's waiting for you... hmm hmm hmm...
Sharon: What are you singin'?
Jim: Don't know, suddenly it's stuck in m'head. Something something... neon lights are pretty... dum dum...
Jim fades off to sleep.
Jim walks along in the dark, silently traveling down his street. It was night, he was somewhat drunk, and didn't know exactly what time it was.
Jim: Oh, Dad's gonna whoop me bum if I wake up with a hangover.
Jim stops in front of the family garage, and looks at Sharon's window, his usual entrance into the house when he'd sneak out at night to party.
Jim climbs on top of some garbage cans to reach the roof of the garage, then lifts himself up. The trash cans topple over noisily.
Jim: Whoops... heheheh
He creeps over to Sharon's window, which is left partly open to let in the breeze. Jim slides it up, the window creaking and shuddering, and climbs in carefully.
Sharon is still asleep after all the noise, and of course is oblivious to Jim's appearance. He closes the window, and begins to head toward Sharon's bedroom door to exit.
Just then, the door bursts open, and Jim's father Gerry leaps on him.
Gerry: I got ya! I got ya, you worm! Trying for muh daughter, I'll teach ya!
Jim: Aggh! Da (muffled by the carpet)
Jim tries to fight his father off, but his dad is much stronger and now they're struggling with each other to land a hit or just get away.
Sharon wakes up abruptly, and turns on her bedside lamp.
Sharon: *gasp* What the blazes??!?
Gerry now sees that the so-called "assailant" is actually his son.
Gerry: Jim... is that you?
Jim: Yes, pop, it's only me.
Gerry: I thought it was some neighborhood peepin' Tom, a violator.
Jim: Only me, dad. Well, have to go...
Gerry: Oh NO you don't, young lad. *throws Jim into the hall* First I'm gonna talk to ya right and proper 'bout sneekin' out. You too old for a whoopin'? Jean! Get the paddle...

Jim wakes up, sunlight showing through the hotel room window.
Andrea: Drat. I was about to wake you up myself. (holding her tin whistle)
Jim: No thanks, I'm up, I'm up.
Caro: I'm getting tired of having to wear the same old thing every day.
Sharon: That's your work uniform.
Caro: I'm talking about my regular clothes. It's a pain to wear the same thing day after day.
Sharon: Stop by a store and buy some new clothes when you get the chance then. We're all trying hard to get back to good. Right Jim?
Jim: Of course, couldn't be explained better.
Sharon: There's some jelly and toast for you on the coffee table, Jim.
Jim: Lovely, lovely.
Jim vividly remembered the other day, when the girls were in the room with him. One was sitting on the coffee table. He'd asked where they were from.
Jim: Downtown.
Sharon: That song still in your head.
Jim: No, Downtown!
Sharon: Yes, you've mastered the word quite well.
Jim: No! Downtown! I need to go there! That's where they are!
Sharon: What? How do you know?
Jim: No time explainin', gotta go.
Jim jumps into his sandles and rushes out the door.
Andrea: What got into him?
Caro: Maybe the tourist bug is in HIS colon, too.
Jim walks along downtown, passing many buildings and shops.
Jim: If only I had more information than "downtown".
On a street corner, a black man with dark sunglasses is playing a blues song on a saxophone. Jim stops to listen, fascinated by the whole thing. When the man stops after a minute or two, Jim claps.
Jim: That was amazing.
Man: Thank ya. Where you at, son? Have a bit of a problem with my eyes. (looks upward at the sun)
Jim: Oh, you're blind?
Blind man: Yeah... spend many a day out here, a man tryin' to make some hard-earned money.
Jim: I know how you feel.
Bm: You Irish, son? You got a bit of an accent goin' there.
Jim: Yes, actually I am.
Bm: And I can tell you be stressed by something. Somethin's givin' you the blues.
Jim: Well, actually yes. My family and I are on holiday, we got robbed by two women I went out with, our car keys and a whole lot of our money are gone now.
Bm: 'Tis a shame, 'tis a shame. Tell ya what, you give a little contribution to my cause, I'll tell you everything I've heard on the street last few days.
Jim: Um... I don't know.
Bm: I might be blind as a bat but got ears like a hawk. You'd be mighty surprised there, son.
Jim thinks about it for a second or two. Could this man really help him? Or was it just another ploy?
Jim: Well, I suppose. (Hands the man a 10 dollar bill.)
The man takes the dollar, holds it in both hands for a few seconds. He rubs his fingers around it, then smiles.
Bm: Well, welcome Mr. Hamilton. (Starts playing blues riffs). Heard that the cab business ain't doin' so well. (Plays another) Heard a man who runs a coffee shop is goin' to hell...
Jim: Oh brother, what have I done now... (thinks to himself)
Bm: Man named Jim been robbed by two dames down the block, they give me a hundred, five of 'em, uh huh.
Jim: Woah....
Bm: Them young girls couldn't have gotten that much without pulling tricks (ba da da dum.) I hope that man knows just what he's gonna do.
Jim: Um, I'm the man.
Bm: Yeah, you the man.
Jim: No, I mean I'm the man. THE man, I'm Jim.
The blind man looks in Jim's direction for a second or two.
Bm: That right?
Jim: Yes. Totally. You said they live down the block?
Bm: Sure. They give me 500 dollars for nuthin. Somethin' ain't right, says her boyfriend Jim won't mind. Said she's gonna be in the fancy apartments now. Classy.
Jim pats the man on the shoulder excitedly.
Jim: Oh, you have no idea how much you've just helped me! I have to go!
Jim takes off running down the sidewalk.
Bm: Oh now Jim is gonna get vengeance, oh yeah (plays another saxophone riff).

Jim stops on a street lined with expensive-looking fancy apartments, with monthly rent around the 800 to 900 dollar range.
Jim: Bingo. I should call the girls...
Jim gets on a pay phone and makes a call to the hotel's front desk.

Clerk: Sharon, you got a call.
Sharon goes to the phone.
Sharon: Hello?
Jim: Sharon, it's Jim. I think I may have found out where those girls who robbed us live.
Sharon: Really? How did you find it out?
Jim: A man who plays a saxophone. But the answer's really been there all along, one of the girls said something about living downtown, and they have our money, obviously they'd be in a fancy place.
Sharon: Mmm-hmm, calm down. So, are you going to find them yourself or do you need our help?
Jim: Well, normally I'd let you girls stay out of harm's way and handle all of the tough, grueling work and danger, but I might need you three on this one.
Sharon: Right... and yet you're the one who gets handcuffed to bedposts. Look, why don't you wait till later, when we all get off our jobs? Then me and Caro and Andrea can help you look.
Jim: Sure, love to get off my feet. I guess I'll head back to the hotel.
Sharon: Alright, talk to you later. I have lots of work to do. Bye.
Sharon hangs up the phone and fixes her hat.
Clerk: Oh, here she comes now.
Sharon: May the lord help us...
Britney: Ok can ya'll like, make yourselves useful and like, get someone to clean my room?
Sharon: Not our job. You could've left the card on the door handle for housekeeping.
Britney: Well like, when does that go on?
Sharon can't help but mock Britney's accent.
Sharon: Like, it's already like, gone on so it's kinda like, too late, ya know?
Britney: I WANT someone to clean my room, my money's goin' to this here hotel, I want to be treated like it.
Sharon: Like what?
Britney: Huh?
Sharon: You said you wanted to be treated like "it". Can you define "it"?
Britney: I wanna be treated like I'm payin' for stayin' here! I have a concert tonight and I gotta like, be ready and stuff.
Sharon: Very well then, why don't ya just calm the heck down and go up to your room?
Britney looks at the clerk. The clerk looks right back, not reacting in any way.
Britney: Can I speak to the manager?
Clerk: You're lookin' at her.
Britney: I can't believe you let your people talk to me like that. I don't understand, they shouldn't get paid for pullin' that sh*t.
Sharon: Oh no, here goes the cussing.
Britney: Lady, I'll cuss if I fu**in' please. You can't tell me what to do, I'm a celebrity, you just work here.
Clerk: We also reserve the right to kick you OUT of our hotel, so I suggest you cease and desist from harassing our hotel staff before I call the police.
Britney: But, but...
Sharon: But but. The greatest comeback in history!
Britney leaves, frustrated, whining to her friends and bodyguards about being a celebrity.
Clerk: What a hussie.
Sharon: You're telling me.
Clerk: Yeah. I shouldn't. Get back to work!
Many hours later, the rest of the Corrs head downtown in a taxi. Jim is up in the front passenger seat, the sisters are crammed in the back.
Caro: Andrea, your arm is poking my ribs!
Andrea: Well get your ribs off my arm!
Sharon: We should've taken two cabs.
Caro: Why did we even have to come down here with you?
Jim: Because most likely it'll take all of us to stop them. You remember the old days, when we'd group up and solve our problems easily, those good old days...
Andrea: Are you feeling alright?
Jim: Yes, just reflecting.
Caro: I don't think it's the tourist bug that's got him.
Andrea: He's become a frequent subscriber to Memory Lane Magazine.
The Corrs end up downtown, which is now lit up by lights. People from all over are walking, talking, going to shops and restaurants, the active night life of San Francisco going about as it often did.
Sharon: Man, I wish we spent more time down here. We should've rented out a hotel room down here instead of the other part of town.
They all walk down the sidewalk which lined the apartment complexes and condos. Bright street lights lit the path.
Andrea: Should we split up?
Caro: No, then we'll never find you.
Andrea: I can find my way around.
Caro: Please, you can barely find yourself a bonking.
Andrea: Hey!
Sharon: Quiet, both of you. Jim, which building?
Jim: Well I didn't go into any of them, but all we have to do is ask the landlords and give a description of the people we're looking for.
Sharon: Well that shouldn't be too hard.
2 hours later...
Andrea: Jim, I want to go back to the hotel!
Caro: Me too! My feet are killing me!
Sharon: I think I have a rash.
Jim: How many apartment complexes are there? I didn't know there'd be so many.
Sharon grabs Jim's arm.
Sharon: Please, JIM. We've searched for 2 hours, 13 buildings. This is like Halloween but with no candy or costumes. And I have this really bad rash developing...
Jim: I know, I'm tired too. But I know we're close, I can feel it.
Caro: Says the dog, sniffing along...
Andrea: Speaking of sniffing, what is that smell?
Caro: I don't know.
Andrea keeps sniffing, then smells Caroline.
Andrea: Whoo! Sorry to say this, but you are rank, Cazz! When's the last time you showered?
Caro: This morning.
Andrea: Well when was the last time you washed your clothes?
Caro: Em.... day one, I believe, of our little adventure in this town.
Andrea: This boy is cracking up, this boy has broken down...
Finally, the Corrs find their break.
Caro: Maybe they're in this building. Look at all the glass. I'd go here.
Andrea: I think anyone would.
Jim: Well, let's walk up and ring the bell.
The Corrs go inside to find a very nice lobby with lush greenery and comfortable red sofas. Caroline and Andrea collapse on a couch, Sharon sits on an armchair.
Sharon: Oh, this is nice....
Jim: Thanks a lot, you three. (rings bell on the counter)
A short man in a gray business suit walks out. He has completely white hair, and looks like someone out of The Godfather.
Landlord: Ah, what can I do for ya, eh?
Jim: Um yes, you're the landlord here, right?
Landlord: For the past 45 years. I've run this thing since it was a little 2 floor duplex. And I've grown and nurtured it since then into this beautiful condo complex. Not a bad place, eh? I see your lady friends are enjoying our good furniture. That's real 100% natural leather, dyed red to match the floor.
Jim: Wow, that's um, rather amazing.
Landlord: Amazing? Of course it is. So, you planning to rent out one of my fine condos? I must say, for a man with a lot of lady friends you've made a fine choice.
Jim: Well actually, they're my sisters. We're looking for someone.
The man looks at Jim funny, reaches under the counter.
Landlord: Who sent ya?
Jim: Me. I mean, nobody. We're just looking for the people who stole our money.
The landlord pulls out an Italian shotgun out from under the counter. The sisters gasp, Jim backs up.
Landlord: Get outta here! I ain't answerin' to nobody!
Jim: No sir, it's not you! We're not here for you! We're bloody Irish people, we're not the mob! Look at me, I'm wearing curtain drapes and a bedspread, do you really think I'm going to come and kill you?
The landlord stays still for a few seconds. The room is dead silent, even the crickets are holding their peace. There is not a bit of movement.
Landlord: Eh. My mistake. (puts the shotgun away) So who you lookin' for?
Jim: Well we were robbed a few days ago by two women, and I've done some searching and I think they might have gotten a place down in this area. We've checked all the other buildings, nothing so far.
Landlord: Robbed? I'd like to get my hands on... women you say?
Jim: Yes.
Landlord: Few days ago... I'll check my books, I'll be right back.
The landlord goes away, and Jim lets out a breath.
Andrea: Hahaha did you see the look on Jim's face? He looked like he got his hand snapped in a mouse trap.
Sharon: What about you? All turning whiter, and you're Irish for crying out loud!
Caro: What about the guy... No doubt aboud it, forgeda 'bout it... (mocks the accent)
The man comes back and Caro shuts up.
Landlord: Okay, I got five new people the other day, dat means you might be in luck. Let's see...
The man puts on a pair of glasses with very thick lenses and big frames. They're much bigger than Jim's glasses, and 3 times as funny.
Landlord: Ok, we got a pair, one male and female, moved in in the morning. Couldn't pay so I kicked their ass out. Now anyways, eh... what day would you say this was?
Jim: Oh, I think it was Wednesday.
Landlord: Wednesday... (flips through his book) Ok, I got seven people dat day, 3 only stayed a few hours. This ain't a damn hotel. Now... 2 females, sometime in the afternoon.
The sisters got jumpy. They knew they had found them.
Landlord: Payed in CASH for their room, 2000 a month, 900 up front.
Jim: That has to be them! (Turns to his sisters) We're going to get our things back!
Landlord: Not so fast, now they got the big security package with the metal door, key card, burglar alarm, fire alarm...
Caro: Crap!
Jim: Could you possibly get us into that room? You have no idea, we've been in this city for days, barely any money, no car, nothing. It's been absolute hell for us!
Landlord: Sure, no problem, I could get you into the room.
Andrea: All right!
Sharon: Yes!
Landlord: 600 bucks up front and I letcha right in.
Jim turns to his sisters again.
Jim: Em... anyone have 600 dollars?
Caro: Well we have those tips, about 250 dollars each, right?
Andrea: Yes. And many shiny pennies.
Sharon: I have... 80, no... 92 dollars.
Jim: So that's 592, right?
Andrea: Yes. And we counted our tips well, they're 250 flat.
Jim: So eight dollars short, great. Damn! I gave that to the blind man...
Sharon: What blind man?
Jim: Nothing. Please, we have 592, can't you let us in, we'll get the rest to you when we get our things?
The landlord shook his head.
Landlord: It's 600 or no deal.
Jim: Damn!
Jim thinks for a second.
Jim: What could I sell, what could I sell (thinks to himself)
*Light bulb*
Jim: Would you like these fine sandals? Only a few days wear!
Landlord: Sorry, I got the same pair, never worn. Anything else?
Jim looks back at his sisters.
Jim: You sure that's all the money we have, sincerely?
Andrea: Right. (starts counting her pennies, scattering them all over the floor)
Jim smiles widely, nodding his head.
Sharon: Uh oh, Jim's got an idea.
Caro: I don't know if I'll like it. Will I?
Jim grabs Andrea's hand and drags her over to the counter.
Jim: How about this penny-counting Irish girl? Just think how much time you'll save with her counting skills!
Caro is laughing, Sharon is staring at Jim, bug-eyed, and Andrea seems confused.
Andrea: What?
Landlord: Wow, I could really use one of those. More time to spend upstairs with my wives... ok, you gotta deal. I'll get you the key to the door.
Andrea: What?? You're not selling me!
Jim: We'll get you back, just... sit and do what he says.
Andrea: Hell no! (tries to walk away but can't escape Jim's grip)
The landlord hands Jim a key card.
Landlord: That's room 502, the one with the gold trim around the door. All ya gotta do is put the card in and bam, you're in. Anything else you need?
Jim: No, I think that's it.
Andrea: Um, how about ME?
Caro: You'll be fine, dear.
Jim: Let's go.
Jim and the other two sisters leave, Andrea is standing there fuming.
Landlord: Ok, here ya go. (Hands Andrea a huge bag of pennies, about 20 or 30 pounds worth) You tell me when you're done, I'm goin' upstairs to my wives.
The landlord leaves, and now Andrea is alone with a bag of pennies. Sadly, she starts putting them on the counter and counting them.
Jim: So this is the door.
Caro: Ok stand back, I'll kick it down.
Jim: Cazz! What do you think we just sold Andrea for?
Caro: Hehehe I'm kidding. But she's worth more than 8 dollars, Jim! That was just wrong...
Sharon: Not really.
Jim sticks the key card in the door, the light flashes green.
Jim: Ready?
Caro: Whenever you are.
Jim: Should we pray? We could use a prayer.
Sharon: Okay, give me your hands. Close your eyes. Lord, thank you for bringing us here. We're not performing but this is a show, and we hope to kick some arse so please watch over us and Andrea, who's counting away downstairs. Amen.
Caro and Jim: Amen.
They open the door and rush in like the Mod Squad.
Jim: Em, where are they?
The room is empty. That is, devoid of any presence. There were brand new expensive clothes everywhere, fast food wrappers, magazines, all over the place.
Caro: What a pig stye. It's like Andrea's side of the room.
Sharon: We should keep looking, maybe they're hiding.
Jim: Okay, I'll check around, Sharon, you can check under the beds and in the closets, Cazz you can look in the clothes, try to find those keys.
The Corrs search the room, checking under everything, Jim searching the bathroom, Sharon sticking her head under the beds, Caro throwing clothing everywhere.
Meanwhile, Andrea has counted about 200 pennies of thousands, her hands hurting.
Andrea: I'll get 'em... ooh I'll get 'em for sure. This is the last straw breakin' the donkey's back, oh ya.
Two women come walking into the lobby, stare at Andrea for a couple seconds, and move on.
Andrea: Uh oh...
Andrea looks at the phone on the counter.
Caro: Damn, I barely buy clothes this expensive!
Sharon: That's because you're like Jim, you're terminally cheap, hehehe.
*ring ring*
Jim: Uh oh, who is that?
Caro: I'll get it.
Sharon: No! Don't answer it, maybe it's them?
Caro: Why would they call themselves???
Caro picks up the phone.
Caro: Hello?
Andrea: Cazz, you have to get everyone out of there!
Caro: Andrea, can't you stay put for five minutes at all?
Andrea: No, they're coming! They're back and you're gonna get caught!
*Clicking at the door*
Caro: Gotta go.
Caro hangs up the phone and runs to the door to lock it. She doesn't make it fast enough, and now the door is opening.
Carly: So I told her like, uh, no. And she was like, *BAP*
Caroline clocks Carly in the eye, and kicks Chloe out into the hall.
Jim: Don't make too much of a mess out there, we don't want them to know we were here.
Caro slams Carly against the wall.
Caro: We gotcha now, we gotcha! *BOP* Owww...
Chloe smacks Caro in the head with the side of a suitcase. Luckily it's the wide part.
Sharon: What's going on out there?
Caro recovers and tackles Chloe, who drops the suitcase and tries punching Caro. Caro pops a quick one to the side of Chloe's head and she's out for a while.
Caro turns back to Carly, who's cowering on the floor.
Carly: No! I give up! Please don't hurt me!
Caro: (thinks to herself) I love when they say that!!
Now Chloe and Carly are sitting on a bed, their hands tied behind their backs with socks. Jim paces back and forth in front of them like a military drill sergeant.
Jim: So how much did you two spend? Have fun on your little shoppin' spree?
Caroline and Sharon are going through the suitcase that Chloe was carrying, which was the one that had their money. They were busy counting what was left.
Sharon: Doesn't look good, Jim. Looks like they spent 'bout 20 grand or so.
Caro: Should I go pay for Andrea now?
Jim: Ya, go get her. Then we have to find the keys to the car.
Sharon keeps flicking through the bills, counting. Jim kept pacing.
Jim: I wonder what we should do to them. What do you think, Shaz?
Sharon: I think we should handcuff them naked to the beds and take THEIR wallets and clothing.
Jim: Bright. I'll get right to that.
Jim goes through the pleasant (for him) experience of undressing the girls as they protested and kicked. Within time he had them tied to the bedposts with gags around their mouths.
Sharon: That's disturbing. Now we have to put up with all that.
Andrea and Caro come back to the room. Andrea looks around.
Jim: There you are, my little sister.
Andrea punches him in the stomach.
Andrea: That's what you get for selling me. Cazz had to spend $1000 to get me back, that damn landlord is one greedy man.
She looks around.
Andrea: Well looks like you all have been busy.
Sharon: Jim has. I'm just counting what's left of our money.
Caro: Let's find those keys. They should be somewhere under all this mess.
Andrea and Caro search through the clothes, browsing as if though they were in a store, wondering which ones to keep. Eventually they find a pair of familiar-looking leather pants.
Caro: Found your pants. And here's the keys. And your wallet, cleaned out, of course.
Andrea: Yes, the keys!
Jim: Great, then we can get out of this damn town.
Caro: Well maybe we could stay, so many things we haven't seen yet.
Andrea: Now the bug's in YOUR colon!!!

Jumping ahead, the Corrs leave the women tied up, taking valuable clothes and their money back with them. Now they have their car back and everything is good. But, Jim insists they drop him off at an alley, for some strange reason.
Jim: Soontani? You here?
The room is unusually quiet. There was still the strange lighting but there was no music, everything was still.
Suddenly, Jim felt something cold climbing up his pant leg, and he yelped.
Jim: Snake! Aggh!
The snake climbs up his body, then transforms into Soontani.
Soontani: Have I startled you, James Corr?
Jim: Almost in a heart attack.
Soontani goes to her throne and sits. Jim is lifted on that invisible pillow again.
Soontani: You seem different, James. Your clothing is different.
Jim: We won. We got our things back.
Soontani: So I see my spells have helped you. Never under-estimate the true powers of voodoo.
Jim: I always though of voodoo as evil, actually.
Soontani: Only evil in the hands of the evil.
Jim: Well, I came by to tell you thanks for everything you've helped me with. I don't know how to repay you. I have money, but...
Soontani: You got a discount.
Jim: Oh... okay, thanks.
Soontani: But I know that's not the only reason you're here.
Jim: Oh? That so?
The lights in the room turn red, and... Al Green music starts playing.
Soontani: I accept all forms of payment...
(I... I'm so in love with you... whatever you want to do... is all right with me...)
Jim: Um...

In the morning, Jim comes striding into the hotel room. The sisters are woken up by him whistling and singing.
Jim: Nothing but blue skies smiling at me...
Sharon: Eh?
Andrea: What the blazes?
Jim: Morning! Who wants breakfast? (leaps at the refridgerator)
Caro: Somebody is in a good mood... could it be...
Jim is happy as hell, juggling oranges, whistling.
Sharon: He was out all last night. And look at him, he's happy and energized.
Andrea: Hmm, I think I know.
Caro: Somebody got laid...
Jim tosses an orange in the air.
Jim: Four times. (catches it)
The sisters all are bug-eyed now.
Andrea: Ah ha, and did you leave her like most men do, not stay?
Jim: I didn't want to leave. She begged me to stop.
Sharon: He's lying.
Caro: I don't think so... I've never seen him like this.
Jim: Who's up for pancakes?
They're all sitting at the breakfast table now.
Sharon: So, a voodoo lady.
Jim: Yes.
Sharon: A woman who... practices voodoo.
Jim: Correct.
Sharon: And... she helped you find the money.
Jim: A very helpful contribution. So did the blind saxophone man.
Sharon: Voodoo is evil, you know.
Jim: Only in the hands of evil, Sharon.
They're quiet for a few moments.
Caro: So, did you lay the saxophone player, too?
They all laugh. Jim throws a cube of cheese at Caro's head.

The Corrs all agree to spend one more week in San Francisco. (Yes, this episode goes on and on and on...)
The final day in San Francisco...
The Corrs cruise down Golden Gate Bridge in the late afternoon in their car, which although it was an SUV, was a drop-top, so the air was blowing freely through the cabin.
Sharon: This wind is terrible for my hair. I think it caught a bug or two.
Andrea: Do we have to drive with the top down?
Jim: Hehehe listen to the beauty queens, "Oh, my hair is blowing, oh no!"
Andrea bops Jim in the head.
Caroline: You two should just tie it up like I do.
Andrea: And prevent Sharon from getting my hair blowing in her eye? Never.
Jim: Who's hungry? I could really go for something. I think we should have a nice dinner before we leave tonight.
Caro: True that, I'm starving.
Andrea: You eat too much.
Caro: Yes, but I can kick all ass.
Sharon: I second that.
They stop at an expensive restaurant a few blocks from the hotel. The lights are on now, being that the buildings cast large shadows which made the streets dark. They all get out of the car.
Andrea: Yes, someplace expensive.
Jim: Oh dear...
Sharon: Oh stop, we have our money back, Jim/
Jim: Yes, about half of what we had. And I'm still cheap, no matter what we earn.
Caro: I understand.
Andrea: Of course you do, you and Jim are the cheapskates, me and Sharon are the spenders.
Sharon: Does she know you're not a spender? Well I just wanna say...
Jim: (very off-key) I never really loved you anyways...
Andrea stares at Jim. So does Caro and Sharon.
Jim: Sorry, just warming up.
Andrea: Rigggght.... (smiling)
The Corrs go into the restaurant, into the waiting area. Andrea hands the maitre'd a $100 bill and whispers something in his ear.
Maitre'd: Right this way, ladies and gentleman.
Jim: That was a 100 dollar bill, Andrea!
Andrea: Hush, you buy 100 dollars worth of corn dogs just to talk to the register girl.
Jim: Yes, and very proud of it indeed.
Sharon: Then you go and sleep with voodoo women.
Jim: Nothing better than enchanted sex.
Sharon: What?
Jim: Nothing, you wouldn't understand.
Caro: Is it anything like backstage sex?
Andrea: You had backstage sex?
Caro: No... hehehe... you be quiet. Frank n' me, I mean Frankenstein, I didn't say anything.
Andrea: Okay, you make lots of sense.

They are seated at a table, order expensive meals (except Jim and Caro who split a plate).
Jim: Let's make a toast, shall we?
Andrea: Sure, just let me run up the hotel and get the toaster.
They hold up their glasses.
Jim: To our last day here in this town, and our next destination, Hawaii.
Caro: Big Kahuna, right?
Sharon: Big Kahuna, oh yes.
Andrea: Big Kahuna... hehehe.
They toast to that and drink, Andrea lovingly finishing off her glass and pouring another.
Jim: What is that you're eating, Sharon?
Sharon: I believe it's some sort of duck.
Caro: And they left the head on for you, isn't that lovely.
Sharon: Indeed. What is that slop you're eating, Jim?
Jim: Slop? A sandwich?
Caro: The fifteen dollar sandwich.
Sharon: It's leaking all over your hand.
Andrea: That looks like SOS. I don't think you want to know what that stands for.
Sharon: Oh no, I'll lose my appetite.
Andrea stretches her arms.
Jim: Like a condor, look at her.
Andrea: Shut up.
Caro: Fly away, fly away!
Sharon: Says the duck on my plate, fly away.
Andrea: MY slop on the other hand is good.
Jim: Yes, the 50 dollar plate of gigantic steak and humongous pile of pasta. That should feed a small village... of ants.
The Corrs return to their hotel for the final check-out. Sharon goes to the front desk to get things sorted out. But not all is well...
Britney: Bellboy lady, hey you. I got somethin' for you to do.
Sharon turns around.
Sharon: I don't work here anymore. You can't tell me what to do.
Britney: Like, I don't care! You know the hotel, so like I want you to get room service to make my room like you said they would.
Sharon: I said to leave the card on the door. And look at me, I'm standing here in a $1000 dress, not a blue uniform, so unless I'm wearing the latter I suggest you not bother me!
Britney still didn't get it.
Britney: Don't you know who I am? I'm Britney f**kin' Spears, dammit!
Sharon: I know exactly who the hell you are. And I'd appreciate it if you'd watch your mouth around the children here.
Britney: Too bad, you can't make me.
Sharon: I can. Maybe you should learn to respect your elders while you're at it.
While Sharon was teaching Britney an ethics lesson, Sharon's siblings were parked right outside in the car.
Caroline: Oh what the hell is going on now? (jumps out)
Andrea: This I have to see.
Jim: What? What?
Caro and Andrea walk into the hotel to find Sharon arguing with everything she's got in her towards Britney Spears, and didn't look like she was going to stop anytime soon.
Sharon: Yeah, I'll get my sisters on you! You and all your bloody body guards! They'll be in body BAGS!
Caro: Whoa there, Sharon. What's all this fuss?
Andrea: What's cookin'?
Sharon: Little miss Britney here thinks that she can still order me around even though I don't work here anymore.
Caro: Oh, for cryin' out loud for all the snakes outta Ireland...
Andrea: Huh?
Then Britney's body guard, the big gigantic black guy (some know who I'm talking about) starts shoving Sharon and her sisters away. Suddenly from nowhere Jim leaps on the bodyguard and is flailed about like a rag doll. Jim's feet accidentally connect with Britney's head as he's swung about.
Britney: OW! Honey!!!
The Corr sisters look toward the lounge where all 5 guys of 'N Sync come walking up.
Sharon: Are we dreaming? Please say this is a nightmare. A very intense nightmare.
Jim is fighting to keep his grip on the very large body guard as he's thrown about, swinging around like a flag on a windy day. Jim beats the guard on the head with one of the cuffs still attached to his wrist (yes, those were there all those days) and the guard is actually stunned. Jim drops to the floor and kicks the man in the crotch.
Jim: There we go. Coming, sis!
Meanwhile, Sharon is remaining defensive.
Justin: But babe, she's a chick.
Britney: I don't care!
Caro pops Lance Bass in the head. He's out for now.
Sharon: So much for that! (shoves Justin backward)
Jim: Tally ho!! (Leaps on JC and wrestles him across the floor)
Andrea: Look what I did! Look what I did! (hops up and down on Chris)
Sharon: A little help here! (fights off Britney's worthless slapping attacks)
Jim: Don't worry about it! (shoves JC and Joey into each other)
Caroline runs up the wall (like The Matrix) and kicks Justin in the back.
Andrea: Look out, Jim!
Lance picks up a vase and throws it at Jim. Luckily Jim ducks so it flies over his head.
Clerk: Hey! That's a 500 dollar vase!
Caroline battles Justin, who is trying to block, still not wanting to hit a woman. Caroline kicks him right in the face, then starts talking.
Caro: (lips out of sync) You have dishonored my family! (lips moving) Now I shall have to destroy you. Hahaha. (laughing motion comes 3 seconds late)
*gong*
Sharon smacks Britney in the face and does a low sweep, sending her toppling to the floor.
Andrea: Yeah! Get her, Sharon! (gets grabbed from behind by Chris) Get off me! Leggo!
Just then, Anto and Keith walk in.
Jim: Hey! Where'd you guys come from?
Anto: We got bored so we decided to help you beat these people.
Jim: But how did you know?
Keith: I don't know, that's how the story's written.
Jim: Huh?
Keith practically picks up Joey and hurls him into Britney's recovering body guard. Anto picks up a lamp post and swings it around, screaming in Chinese.
Sharon: (looks at camera) They're goot, (good) aren't they?
Anto swings the lamp post around in a blur, yelling toward Chris. Chris gets spooked and lets go of Andrea. Andrea wheels around and smacks him in the face.
Jim: Almost done! (Tosses JC into the dogpile of Joey and Britney's bodyguard.)
Sharon and Caroline battle Lance and Justin, who are shamefully hiding behind Britney.
Britney: Now that's enough! (grabs Sharon's arm and twists)
Sharon: OWWWW!!!!! Oh, you're gonna get it now!
Caro pulls a pair of drumsticks from her pocket and swings them wildly at Lance.
Caro: Anyone in the mood for a Lance-kebob?
Lance: No! Please! Just let me go!
Lance takes off out the door.
Sharon back-hands Britney in the face, and shoves her away, rubbing her arm. Justin is now unprotected and wide-eyed.
Sharon: Scram! Before I take out your next generation!
Anto tosses the lamp post to Sharon, who puts it a few inches from Justin's crotch. He gulps.
Jim: Come on! Let's get out of here! (runs out the door to the car.)
Sharon: Sorry, have to run. (sweeps Britney and Justin off their feet with a swing of the lamp post)
Sharon and her sisters run out to the car, where Jim is revving the engine.
Andrea: Thanks Anto! Thanks Keith! (yelling out the window)
Anto: Don't mention it!
Caro: I'll call you, Keith! And you too, Anto! I'll call you long distance on the telephone!
Andrea: Of course you will. Now GET YOUR HEAD IN HERE.
Caroline sits back down, Jim swerves through traffic on the streets.
Sharon: Oh, on the road again. Sure nice to be back.
Caro: You said it.
Andrea: That was some fight back there. Too bad we weren't filming a movie, I'd teach that Chris guy a lesson.
Jim: You could barely move with him bear-hugging you like that, Andy.
Andrea: Still, I would've beat him around the head with my tin whistle. Oh wait! I forgot my tin whistle!
Sharon: *sigh*
Caro: So hawaii is next?
Jim: Yes, just a nice little drive down to Los Angeles to get there.
Andrea: Wake me when it's over.
Jim: No problem, I'll continually beep the horn, slam the brakes, and blast the radio. Whatever you say.
Andrea: Shut up!
Jim: Shut up, Jimmy! You have hair on your toes, Jimmy! Jimmy, I can't reach the piano keys! Jimmy, I don't want to learn the whistle! Waa! Hahahahaha
Andrea: Shut UP!
Jim: Oh Andrea, we need to get you laid. You'd be so much easier to deal with.
Andrea: We're not going into this again, are we?
Caro: Oh yes, and it's a long, long drive to Los Angeles, Andrea.
Sharon: And no stops.
Andrea puts her hands and face to the window of the car like a hanging Garfield toy.
Andrea: Let me out. Pleeze let me out...
The End