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The Barbershop Corrtet
Sharon: Okay Jim, why is it that we're all on conference call?
Andrea: Yeah, my favorite soap is about to start.
Jim: Okay, it's great, a totally cool way to get us publicity!!
Sharon: Well?
Jim: I entered us to sing at a Barbershop Quartet festival!
Sharon: Em...
Andrea: Wha...
Jim: It'll be great, we'll all be on stage together singing in harmony.
Caroline: Uh, Jim, you do know that barbershop quartets don't have women, right?
Sharon: And um, they don't play instruments either.
Jim: Huh. Really? I really didn't know about that part, I just saw the word "quartet" and jumped at it.
Andrea: Jim, can you be any more of a fool please??
Sharon: Cancel us out of the show, Jim.
Jim: Well, I can't, you see, the show is in two days and they're already expecting us in the US, because I told them we're really good and all that. I think the news over there knows as well.
Sharon: Jim, you fool!!! We can't sing for that sort of thing!!! Especially not with two days time! What were you thinking? Did you have 5 mugs of Guinness before signing us up for this crap?
Jim: No... four, actually. And a pint of grog.
Caro: You do realize that when they find out we actually SUCK, we're going to be hated by many fans of that type of singing.
Jim: Well, don't worry, we can all work at it, and soon we'll be good to compete! We get a gold medal if we win.
Jim: Andrea? Do you have anything to say?
Andrea: I'm sorry... this is just so sad!! How could Billy die? Taryn is pregnant with his baby and she doesn't even know it, and her sister is secretly plotting to take her other lover who has amnesia!!!
Sharon: For god's sake, Andrea...
Hours later, they're all at Caroline's pad.
Caroline: Do you even have a freakin' song for us to sing?
Jim: Actually, yes I do! They're a bit old... might not be much...
Andrea: Okay, I know I usually say something really strange right about now, but I just have to make a point here. Why the HELL are we even agreeing to this? I say we sit around at home and enjoy some quiet living, maybe read a book or go shopping or just sit around on our lazy bums before we have to tour again! Who cares about the stupid show? Just tell them we're out!
Sharon: Yeah!
Jim: Oh come on, we should give this sort of thing a chance.
Andrea: Jim, I haven't felt so good in weeks. Do you know how good it felt for me to just let go, take a bath, go under the faucet and just let the water rush until everything just lets loose in one huge burst of pleasure??
They all stare at Andrea.
Andrea: Oh come on! Don't tell me you don't enjoy washing your hair! And just relaxing... I feel great, I have gotten lots of sleep. And in a short while we have to hit the road again, and I think this idea of going to this stupid show in the US and performing something we have NO experience at is the most idiotic idea in the history of ME!
Sharon: For once I believe little Andrea has a point.
Jim: Pleeeze? Just one song! We could all write it, it'll be a blast!
Caroline: In two days?
Jim: Easy!
Andrea: Nope.
Sharon: Keep searching, Jim. Maybe there could be something.
Andrea: Sharon, what are you doing?
Sharon: I don't want to do it either, but I don't want to see that hurt puppy dog face that Jim makes when he gets disappointed.
Caro: With the really big eyes?
Jim starts making his eyes big.
Andrea: Agggh okay okay! We'll do it, but you have to find a better song. I'm going home, I need to go watch the grass grow. Anyone interested?
Caro: I am! Wait, I have grass of my own. That's fine.
A few days later, the Corrs are backstage at the barbershop festival.
Caro: I really can't believe we're about to perform for this.
Andrea: Well, don't forget the so-called "brilliant" man who got us into this mess.
Sharon: So Jim, exactly what part are you going to take onstage? This is supposed to be a quartet, and you can't sing high enough to match us.
Jim: Well, this is more of a "beauty salon trio", so all I have to do is conduct.
Sharon feels disturbed. Sticking up for women everywhere, she feels angry that Jim wants to lead a trio of women like that.
Andrea and Caroline are busy poking each other on the other side of the room.
"What do you mean CONDUCT us!? You male power freak!"
Andrea: Whoa, she's lost it again.
*whack*
"Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
An incredibly high shriek bounces around the room.
Caro: Sharon, what did you do??
Sharon: I kicked him where it means the most!! He deserved it! And my nicotine patches aren't doing anything for me, so I'm downright pissed off!
Jim: Owwie owie owie!!! Eeeeeep!!! Ahhhh...
Andrea: Well what are we going to do now? He'll be like that for at least an hour.
Sharon: How do you know?
Andrea: Once I didn't have my Midol and he decided to pick on me.
Sharon: Ah, I see. Well Mr. Conductor, I think you'd better sit.
Caro: Well wait a second, we DID want this as a quartet, right?
Sharon: Right.
Caro: And we are in a dressing room full of makeup and clothes, right?
Andrea: Ohhh.... you're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?
Ten minutes later...
Announcer: We'd now like to welcome onto the stage, all the way from Ireland, a real pleasure to have them, The Corrs!
Sharon, Caroline and Andrea walk out onstage. Andrea is dragging Jim behind her, and the cheering audience doesn't seem to notice that there are now four Corr sisters. On TV screens throughout America, some dedicated fans realize just what kind of mess poor Jim just happens to be in...
Andrea takes out a pitch pipe and blows a C. Sharon, Caroline and Jim start harmonizing.
Andrea: (singing) I may be short, I may be thin, I've been called anorexic. I lose my way, they also say that I am dislexic.
Sharon and Caro: Doo do dooo...
Andrea: But I love being meeeee.... I'm in love with the notion... that I am still a beautiful gal, who moves with very sexy motion.
Sharon: Oh I'm sophisticated, ask alllll the guys I've dated....
Andrea and Caro: Woo hoo!
Sharon: But the thing that gets me most is... I can be a host...ess....
Caro: Ohhh I'm a crazy girlll who laughs at the world, I play piano and a bit of guitar... and I can play the drums real well, almost like ringing a bell!
Andrea, Sharon and Jim: She can!
The crowd is liking it, amazingly. The harmonizing is going great.
Jim: Oh I'm a beautiful woman...
The crowd goes wild.
Jim: And I love to wear a dress...
Sisters: To impress!
Jim: And when I get pulled over, I just show the cop my breasts...
Andrea: But the thing is, in case you didn't notice... is that she is a MANNNN... he insulted my sister in the dressing room, now he's singing like a girl.
Sharon and Caro: Like a girl!
Andrea: Ohhhhhhhhh my poor brother.... you should've held your ground... for when she kicked you between your legs, you made a funny sound!!!!!
Sharon and Caro: All around!!!!
Jim's voice is starting to go back to normal. He starts to sing bass notes.
Jim: This is a stage stunt...
Andrea: We didn't mean it.
Sharon and Caro: No we didn't, do doooo dooo doo...
Jim: We meant well,
Andrea: I think it went swell!
Caro: I think the audience really liked it!!
Sharon: So now we'll say goodbye, and walk away, and wait backstage for our prize, and when we lose it'll make my day to see Andrea break down and cryyyyyy....
Jim and Caro: Down and cryyyyy!!!!
Andrea: Hey!
All 4: Good byeeeeeeeee!!!

The audience is jumping up and down in their seats, and the auditorium is filled with thunderous applause. The Corr sisters bow.
Sharon: Jim, I advise you, in that dress, PLEASE don't bow...
Ten minutes later, The Corrs are still backstage, cooling off. Jim is back in regular clothes, after having flung the dress he was wearing across the room.
Caro: You know, I can't help but notice how smooth we were able to get Jim. Those wax strips really did the trick.
Jim: Owwwww....
Jim remembers the pain.
Sharon: I wonder what place we got!
Jim: Please, let it be last place, I don't want to be able to remember this horrible show.
Sharon: You know, there were a lot of television cameras out there. I'm pretty sure that in less than 5 hours those pictures will be all over Corrs Online.
Jim: Oh god...
Andrea: And the tabloids, and on the news, and the radio. Oh, wait till Dad finds out, he'll go into convulsions.
Sharon: Hey yeah, what about 143 Records? They'll have a nice chat with us too!
Jim: Rggggh stop it!
Caro: Anto and Keith are going to start calling you names, too.
(And, the winners of the Golden Trophy of Excellence, in the International Chapter, a total surprise... it's the Coors!)
Andrea: Is someone talking about beer?
Sharon: I think they meant Corrs. Hey, wait a second! We have to get out there!!
Jim: No, I don't wanna!
They all drag Jim onto the stage to accept the award. Andrea takes the trophy and helps hold Jim on the stage. Sharon takes the mike.
Sharon: Thank you very much, we are very flattered and surprised to see such a response. We had NO idea... yeah, how did you like Jim in a dress! Whhoooo!! Sexy!
The crowd goes wild again.
Sharon: We never expected quartet singing to be so fun, it's completely changed our lives, at least just for this week. But thank you all very much, God bless, we're going home now!
They all bow, characteristic of all their live performances, then leave the stage.

Back in Ireland later, Jim is hanging out at Andrea's house with his other sisters. Caroline is typing away at a computer intently. Andrea is trying to stand on her head, and Sharon and Jim are shining the trophy.
Suddenly, Caroline falls off the couch in hysterical laughter.
Caro: Ohhhh what a sweetie!!!
Jim looks at the computer. It's at Corrs Online, and every subject down the ENTIRE list basically says "Jim in a dress!!!!"
Jim: AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrea: Hey look, he's turning blue again!

The End