The Freeway
Andrea: Cookies? For me? Sure, back up the truck. (dozes off)
Sharon hands Caroline the box of cookies.
Jim: I'm almost afraid to say something now. What is Andrea hears it
wrong?
Caroline: Maybe she'll start singing a song.
Andrea: Too early to sing a song, mummy, I'll sing later.
Jim swerves into another lane.
Jim: Damn LA drivers!
Andrea: Mobile hell, I hate them with a passion.
Sharon: This is too funny.
Caro: Andrea, what does U + Me equal?
Andrea: *snore* Too few snakes in Ireland to answer that riddle.
Jim: Huh?
Andrea rolls onto the floor with a thump, then sits up.
Caro: Enjoying your sleep?
Andrea: Lovely. Greatly.
She puts her feet up on the headrest of Sharon's seat and dozes off
again. Sharon catches Andrea's shoes as they fall from her feet.
Andrea: Caroline?
Caro: Yes?
Andrea: If a woodchuck can chuck wood, where does that chuck from the
wood go after the woodchuck wood chucks it over the hill on the end of
the car?
Caroline: (Laughing) I don't know dear.
Andrea: *very light snooorrrreeeee*
Caroline yawns.
Caro: Contagious, that.
Sharon turns on the radio and tunes in some Oldies music.
Caroline: What hotel are we going to, Jim?
Jim: I don't know, someplace nice. Good thing I didn't forget the money.
Sharon: Yeah, remember LAST time?
Jim: Don't remind me, it wasn't my fault.
Caroline: Right, and later on it was there in the middle of your bed
with a little note on it that said "Do NOT forget!!!"
Jim: Hush. I'm driving.
Caroline stared out the window, then got one of Jim's condoms out of
the large box and put it over her head. Then she started blowing out through
her nose, causing it to inflate.
Sharon: Well at least the... what the devil...
Jim: What?
Jim looks in the rear view mirror to see Caroline with a large, over-inflated
condom growing from her head.
Jim: What the blazes? Caroline! I need those!
Caroline: Sure you do.
Sharon: You know, that looks incredibly indecent right now.
Caroline takes the condom off her head, and lets it go. It zips around
inside the car, smacking Andrea in the eye.
Andrea: Ow. Something bit me.
Caroline grins, and starts blowing a big bubble with her gum.
Sharon: What are you up to now? Interested in balloons lately, Cazz?
Caroline pops the bubble, then makes another one. This one is almost
bigger than her whole face. Sharon just cannot resist, and pokes.
*Pow*
Caroline: Auggh!! I can't see anything!!
Sharon: Hehehe I couldn't resist.
Caroline: I think I blew my face inside out!
Jim sees Caro in the mirror and almost loses control of the car.
Jim: Haha it looks like when you were born!
Caroline: Oh, shut up. (Pulls the bubble off her face and shoves it
back in her mouth.) Next time you do that, I'll do it near your hair, Sharon.
Sharon: Oh, don't even dare. You'll get the scissors too, once I get
ahold of you.
The traffic gets thicker and thicker till they're stopped.
Sharon: I could probably run and find a hotel faster than this!
Jim: Nearest good hotel is about 50 miles or so away.
Sharon: Like I said, I'll sit here and be quiet.
Caroline looks out the window.
Caro: I don't like how the truck drivers keep looking at me.
Sharon: Men...
Caro: No, women too.
Sharon: Oh for crying out loud.
Jim: Waa, waa.
Caroline: Why isn't the traffic moving, Jim?
Jim: Heck if I know.
Caroline: We've been sitting in front of this big sign for the past
5 minutes.
Jim: Well what do you think we should do, drive over everyone?
Sharon: Don't give her ideas. (chuckle)
A few minutes later, the traffic moves.
Caro: Oh whoopee, 5 inches.
Sharon: Stop talking about your ex-boyfriends. (Caro turns red)
Jim: I have to go.
Sharon: Go where?
Jim: I have to go drain the lizard. (looks at Caro and Sharon)
Caro: Well what do you want, applause? Just get out and go.
Jim: What? I'm not, somebody will see me. Besides, the traffic might
move.
Sharon: Just make it back in less than five minutes. If the traffic
moves I'll drive the car.
Jim: Naw, I'll just hold it.
Sharon: Suit yourself.
A few minutes later, Jim is wriggling around in his seat.
Caro: For god's sake, just get out and go so you can stop squirming!
Jim: No, I'm fine, really.
Sharon: You know, that's not good for you. You could get diseases or
something.
Jim: Worse diseases than walking down the embankment and trying to
go in a bush?
Sharon: Just stop being a baby and go.
Jim: Babies have the advantage, they don't have to worry about where
they go.
Caroline: Jim, just get out of the car so you can stop whining.
Jim struggles and honks the horn.
Jim: Come on! Move!
Andrea turns herself over in her seat.
Caroline starts flicking her cheek with her thumb, making a water-drop
sound. Jim looks back at her.
Jim: No, please stop.
Caroline does it faster.
Jim: Come on, please! Quit it!
Sharon joins in by reciting all the places with water.
Sharon: I love Niagra Falls, all that mist just comes down like that.
Did you know they take you on a boat and you go right there and the mist
is just soaking you? Remember that time when I spilled that Big Gulp all
over the bus floor and for a week it smelled like Sprite? And that one
particular spot was damp and you couldn't walk on it with your socks on
because they'd get soaked? Or what about...
Jim throws open his door and runs down an embankment off the highway.
Sharon: Okay, that's over with.
Caroline: I hope the poor fool's bladder doesn't explode.
Andrea: Boom. *snore*
Caroline and Sharon both laugh.
A lesbian truck driver outside gives Caroline the sign with the flicking
tongue and two fingers. Caroline gives a raspberry and turns away.
Sharon: I don't think that's what she meant, Cazz.
Caro: Huh?
Sharon: Think. What does that remind you of?
Caroline thinks.
Caro: Dear god!
Sharon: Yeah.
A male truck driver on Sharon's side gives her a sign of two fingers
going back and forth from a hole. Sharon plays along, and starts sucking
on her fingers.
Caro: What the blazes are you DOING?
Sharon sucks her finger, then starts biting hard, bending her fingers
at funny angles. The truck driver looks sick.
Sharon: Problem solved.
Caro: Riiiighhttt... (rolls her eyes)
Jim comes walking back up the hill, and realises that he can't see
the car. He looks in car windows and walks along the freeway, trying to
find their car.
He walks beside a small black convertible, and somebody grabs his hand.
Inside the car, holding his hand, is an absolutely gorgeous blonde. Jim
can't help but stare. The blonde looks at him and smiles big.
Blonde: Hi. What are you doing walking along the freeway like that?
You bad boy, you know that's against the law.
Jim: Um, uh, really? Oh, well I um, I didn't know.
Blonde: Well why don't you hop on in here and we'll talk a little more
about "the law".
Jim: Um... okay.
Jim almost gets in the car, but remembers that his 3 sisters are waiting
for him in their car.
The blonde honks her horn, and suddenly Jim sees pure evil.
Blonde: COME ON!!! GET YOUR *BLEEP* ASSES MOVING! YOU THINK I GOT ALL
*BLEEPIN'* NIGHT??? (gigantic teeth and evil eyes)
Jim suddenly loses a whole lot of nerve. He only hopes he can get away
without her smashing his hand.
Jim: Um, Miss, (takes his hand away) I'm sorry, but I have to get back
to my car, my sisters...
Blonde: But all I want to do is talk... (leans back. Jim can see a
whole lot of cleavage.)
Jim: Um...
He thinks. Sisters or hot girl? Sisters... hot girl... sisters...
Blonde: COME ON YOU RETARDS! GET YOUR ASSES MOVING! YOU'RE AS DIM-WITTED
AS A *BLEEPIN'* IRISH GUY, YOU IDIOTS!!!!
Sisters.
Jim: Sorry, but I have to go. My sisters are waiting for me. (walks
away)
The blonde jumps out of the car.
Blonde: WHAT??? YOU'RE TURNING ME DOWN???
Jim: Sorry, say that again? (keeps walking)
The blonde pulls off her wig. Jim can actually see she doesn't have
blonde hair, more like blonde with red in it, like a lion or a blazing
fire.
Blonde: I'M GONNA RIP YOUR *BEEP* OFF!!
Jim: Um... uh oh.
Jim starts running, looking at different cars. One lane of cars is
moving, and along comes Sharon, Caro and Andrea. Sharon is behind the wheel.
Sharon: What took you so long?
Jim: I'll explain later, just drive! (jumps into the passenger side
of the car. The woman leaps onto the trunk.)
Caroline: (Not watching her language) What the F*CK?
Andrea wakes up and stretches, then lazily looks out the black window.
Andrea: AGGGGHH!!!!!! What the hell IS that????
Jim: Go, GO!!
Sharon stomps on the pedal, causing the woman to fall on her face on
the road. Sharon weaves around two more cars and stops behind a few more.
Sharon: Looks like the traffic is clearing up now. Jim, who the hell
WAS that?
Jim: Oh, just a friendly freeway driver.
After stopping at a small truck stop convenience store, the Corrs get
back on the freeway. Now the traffic is pretty light and they're making
excellent time... for wherever they're going.
Jim: Let's see, 50 miles away is a Hilton, but about 100 there's a
nice Crown Plaza hotel. I heard those are very nice. Maybe we could even
get penthouse there.
Sharon: Anything is good. As long as we don't get fans trying to KILL
us, Jim.
Jim: Sorry about that again.
Caroline crunches some candy from a recently-purchased plastic tube.
Sharon: Cazz, keep that noise down please.
Caro: Sorry.
Sharon looks up in the mirror, and notices a small black car that had
been following them for a while. Sharon switches lanes, but the car stays
right behind them.
Sharon: Do we have enough gas to make it to that Crown Plaza?
Jim: Sure, we just filled up. Why?
Sharon: No reason. I just don't want anymore stops.
*CRASH*
Jim: What the devil?
*CRASH*
Sharon looks in the rearview mirror. The black convertible is right
on their bumper. The driver is a blonde.
Sharon: What is with this woman?
Jim looks in his mirror.
Jim: It's the woman from earlier. Sharon, floor it!
Sharon presses the pedal to the floor. The car goes above 75, 80, 85.
Caro: She's gaining!
Andrea huddles down onto the floor, curled into a ball, sucking her
thumb.
*CRASH*
Jim: Faster!
Sharon shifts gears and the car is now doing 103.
Jim: You know, an old friend of mine gave me this, never thought I'd
have to use it. (pulls a revolver from the glove compartment)
Sharon: JIM! What the bloody hell??
Jim: Just drive!
Jim opens the window and leans out. He's never fired a gun before,
and hoped he'd never have to. But all their lives were at stake.
*CRASH*
Jim loses the gun, it tumbles down the very steep green hills below.
Jim: That's it for the gun. Should we pray?
Sharon: Don't be absurd. And don't DO that again. (She downshifts into
first gear and slams on the brake.)
The woman's car zooms ahead, and now Sharon is gaining.
Sharon: We're insured, right?
Jim: Why are you asking this NOW? We've already been hit!
Sharon: Stupid question.
Sharon leans on the pedal and sends the front of their car into the
rear of the woman's convertible.
Caro: Ow! Watch it!
Sharon: Buckle up and hold on!
Sharon shifts into fifth and begins pressing the other woman's car.
The other car begins to lose control and spins out on the freeway, soon
behind them.
Jim: Good going, Sharon.
Andrea gets into her seat and buckles up. She looks behind.
Andrea: It's not over yet!
*CRASH*
The other car is now pressing them, and Sharon is losing control.
Sharon: (To herself) This one's for you, love. (Referring to her husband.
Isn't he a race car driver?)
Sharon slams on the brakes, crushing the front end of the convertible.
She then steps on the gas.
Jim: Wow, you really f*cked her up.
Sharon: Em, not for long. Hang on.
*BANG*
Sharon: There's no getting rid of her!
Caro: Wait, I have another idea. Andy, give me some paper.
Andrea: We don't have any, I don't think.
Caroline looks around.
Caro: The tampons! Andrea, hand me a boz!
Andrea hands her a box. Caroline takes one out, and pops one in her
mouth.
Andrea: Nasty! What are you doing?
Caro: Something I learned from the hellhole. I mean school.
Caroline opens her window and leans out, with her big plastic tube
emptied and both sides open. She takes the now-wet tampon out of her mouth,
puts it in the end of the tube, and blows hard through the other end. A
big wad of cotton flies out and hits the chasing car's windshield.
Andrea: Wow, you did that in school?
Caro: Well, a lot smaller than THAT. Load.
Andrea hands another tampon to Caroline. Caro does the same procedure,
placing another cotton wad on the chasing car's windshield.
Jim: I must be dreaming. I HAVE to be dreaming. This is just a nightmare.
A really intense nightmare.
Caro: Load!
Andrea's now putting the tampons into her own mouth, readying them
for Caroline to fire. She hands her one.
Caro: Gross... but oh well. *pop*
The chase car has had enough, and zooms to the side of the car where
Caroline is.
Sharon: Get down, Cazz!
Caroline gets back in just in time as the convertible slams into the
side of their car. Andrea chokes on a tampon.
Andrea: Uggghh!!! *yanks on the string at the end, freeing it*.
Sharon: Somebody has to help! Where's a cop when you need him?
Andrea: Don't remind me, please.
*SMASH*
Jim: I don't know if the car can take much more of this. What if the
gas tank explodes?
Sharon: Well then, it's been a good 30 years or so. Nice working with
you all.
Caro: Working? We're your family, Sharon!
Sharon: I know, just trying to lighten up the moment.
Jim: There! Take the offramp!
Sharon zooms down an offramp, the convertible still on their tail.
Jim: She'll be easier to lose down here!
Caro: I hope so. You sure you're okay, Andrea?
Andrea: Just dandy. *cough*
Sharon: Hasn't that woman had enough yet?
Jim: I don't know! I should've listened to that American Woman song!
Sharon shakes her head.
Sharon: Here, let's try this.
Sharon turns off the lights to the car, and swerves to the right. They
see the other car zoom past, and they all felt the sensation of spinning.
Then the car went forward again. Sharon turns the lights back on, now going
the other direction. The other car still doesn't know what happened.
Sharon: There, problem solved.
Caroline: Like that?
Sharon: Yep.
Caro: Hmm. Damn. I was kinda hoping we'd get to rough her up a bit.
Andrea: God, no.
Jim: It was kind of disappointing, though, I have to admit.
Sharon: What was?
Jim: That she was such an evil ***** .
Caro: Well that's what you get for walking around on the freeway trying
to pick up women.
Jim sighs.
Jim: Sure.... I do that all the time, guess I learned MY lesson. (laughs)
Caro: By the way, you all owe me another tube of candy. I had to lose
all of it on the freeway.
Sharon: Oh, for Lord's sake...
The End
