Wild, Wild West Adventure

Free Web Hosting Provider - Web Hosting - E-commerce - High Speed Internet - Free Web Page

Tumbleweeds roll down the streets outside, kicking up ruddy dust from the road of the town. Tired old horses are tied to building pillars and railings, drinking from full water troughs.

Inside the saloon, a dusty cowboy with a sharp brass badge and a gun in his hip holster is at the counter, slowly drinking away the heat with a tall beer. Behind the counter, the bartender is cleaning out empty mugs.

Bartender: Another round, Sheriff Jim?
Jim: Naw. I reckon that's enough 'fer me 'fer now.
Bartender: You headin' out?
Jim: Not yet. I need a "boost".
Bartender: Whatever you want, Sheriff. I don't want no trouble, knowin' 'yer the law 'n all.

Up above, a large group of ladies dressed in their "finest" clothes are soliciting themselves to the patrons below, particularly to Sheriff Jim.

Citizen: Sheriff Jim! The bandits are comin' back into town! They're ridin' in fast!
Jim: It's not them again is it?
Citizen: *nod* It's Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith!

All the patrons of the saloon gasp as two horses stride past the windows. Sheriff Jim gets off his stool, his silver spurs rattling. He leans back against the bar, a piece of wheat between his teeth.

Two pairs of boots approach the saloon doors, spurs rattling. The doors snap open, and in walk the ruthless gunmen, Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith. They're both big, nasty fellows who look to cause trouble. The bartender is shaking in his boots.

Nobody moves nor answers. All that can be heard is the sound of the wind outside.

Anto: (points at Jim) Whattabout YOU, Sheriff?
Jim: I reckon not, Cassidy. You be payin' for yer own drinks this time around.

Sheriff Jim lands headfirst in the dusty street. He coughs, sand in his mouth. Across the way, Sharon the blacksmith walks out from her shop.

Sharon: Need a hand, Sheriff?
Jim: Naw, I'm fine. (gets up)
Sharon: Them two bandits get the better of you again?
Jim: Eh, they sure did. You fix my rifle yet?
Sharon: I'm workin' on it. You just keep outta trouble, Sheriff. I can't give you 'yer rifle if 'yer dead.

A lone horse strides into town, another man with a badge on his chest riding the beast. He stops and dismounts near Sharon the Blacksmith and Sheriff Jim.

Deputy Woods: Howdy, Sheriff. Did I see Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith ridin' in here?
Jim: Yup. Where were you?
Frank: I was out to see the new schoolteacher into town. The stage is comin' in pretty fast. Better hope that those bandits don't do'in anything to rob it.

Sure enough, a stagecoach with six horses comes up the dirt road, kicking up dust as it pulls into town. It stops in front of the two policemen, and the driver jumps off to open the door. The door is opened, and out climbs the schoolteacher, dressed in a big purple hat and fancy dress that drags on the ground.

Andrea: Good day, Sheriff.
Jim: Howdy, Mrs...
Andrea: Miss Andrea.
Jim: Howdy, Miss Andrea. I'm Sheriff Jim, and this is Deputy Woods.
Frank: Howdy. *nod*
Andrea: Pleased to meet you.
Jim: Will you be needin' any help being settled in? I could show you around town.

Picking the absolutely worst moment to burst in, Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith come up from both sides of the stagecoach.

Anto: Weeeeeeeell lookie what we got here, a fancy 'lil lady lookin' so purty and prim and proper.
Keith: Maybe she be lookin' to join the wh*res at the saloon. She's lookin' worth the dollar.
Jim: Get lost, you two. I ain't kiddin'.

Two clicks can be heard, and the bandits find themselves staring down the barrels of two shiny revolvers.

The two bandits run back into the saloon. Andrea tucks the two pistols back into the hidden folds of her dress.

Frank:... Of pistols... I've ever seen.
Jim: Indeed. A lady usually doesn't keep herself... equipped.
Andrea: Ah. Well, thank you both. I may need a help around town. Would you be willin', Sheriff Jim?

Sheriff Jim takes the liberty of showing Andrea around the town, giving her a tour of the area.
Sheriff Jim: This big green building is the mercantile. You can buy all your goods there. Next to it is an eyeglass shop, and next to that is the tailor's.
Andrea: Your town sure has a lot of buildings, Sheriff. Doesn't it get hard to protect it all?
Jim: Not real... I mean, yes. It's very hard and dangerous work. But I can handle it.
Andrea: That's good. Where's the schoolhouse?
Jim: About a mile south, a big brick building with a bell.
Andrea: And what about room and board? I need a place to stay until I can move into my home.
Jim: Oh, you're planning on living near the town?
Andrea: Yah, it's better to live close to where you work. Where do you live?

Jim: At the Sheriff's office.
Andrea: (surprised) That's your home?
Jim: Yup. Bein' Sheriff don't get you a whole lot of money.
Andrea: That's a shame.
Jim: Well, you can find room and board at the hotel, which is on the third floor of the saloon. Don't go to the second floor.
Andrea: Why not?
Jim: That's where all the prostitutes are.
Andrea: I'll be sure to steer clear. Will you accompany me?
Jim: Huh?
Andrea: Will you go with me to the saloon?
Jim: Oh, yeah, sure. Wow, them's some big words, accomp...
Andrea: Accompany.
Jim: Ok. (rolls eyes)

The two go back into the saloon, which is bustling with activity. Anto and Sundance Keith are nowhere to be seen. At one table, Deputy Woods is talking to a lovely barmaid.

Caroline: Really, Deputy, you should mind your manners. I'm not just a barmaid, you know. And I don't care if 'yer workin' 'fer the law.
Frank: I'm sorry, really I am. So can I have a beer PLEASE?

Jim: Trying to woo the ladies again, Deputy?
Frank: Uh... no.
Caro: I'll be right back.

Caroline goes back over to the bar. She gets a tall beer and brings it back to Deputy Woods, who proceeds to drink heavily.

Frank: (talking to Caroline) How about you ticklin' them ivories? I love to hear a pretty tune.

Caroline rolls her eyes and walks away over to the piano, where she begins to play an old ragtime tune.

Jim: You sure have a way with them, Deputy. Where did those bandits take off to?
Frank: Second floor. And good riddance, really.

Caroline steps away from the piano, which is still playing the same tune (a player piano).

Jim: Come along, Miss Andrea. I'll have the bartender book you a room for the night. And I'll pick up the charge.
Andrea: My, that's awful kind of you, Sheriff. I thought you don't get a lot of money.
Jim: It's no problem, really.

Jim: I need to get Miss Andrea a room in the hotel for the night.
Bartender: Bringing your own women here now, Sheriff? You know I have my rules.
Jim: It's not THAT, she actually needs a room.
Bartender: Yeah, sure. Fine, she can have the third room down. You better keep your word.

Jim: Don't worry. She's the schoolteacher. I don't plan anything.
Bartender: Right. (sarcastic)

Jim: Here you go, ma'am. Your room for the night.
Andrea: *takes key* Oh! Thank you very much, Sheriff!
Jim: You just let me know if you need anything else.
Andrea: Will do! Thank you, Sheriff Jim!

Frank: What the hell do you think you're doing, Sheriff?
Jim: What?
Frank: The woman's barely been in town half an hour and already you're movin' in on her!
Jim: I ain't movin' in on her! I'm just being polite the nice young lady. She's very... nice. And... young.
Frank: And a lady?
Jim: Shut up. Where's 'yer other pistol?
Frank: What happened to yours?
Jim: (shoves hands in pockets) Them bandits took mine when they threw me out.

Frank: It's amazing that you're the Sheriff and not me.
Jim: Shouldn't you be chasing that barmaid around?
Frank: She's not just a barmaid! She's a ranch hand too!
Jim: Okay, whatever. So shouldn't you be chasing her around?
Frank: (gets emotional) She's not like that, okay? (leaves)
Jim: (confused) What's his problem?

That night, Sheriff Jim is asleep at his office, feet propped up on his desk and his hat pulled down over his eyes. It's hot and humid, with a cool breeze blowing through the windows.
Jim: *snore*.... sandles... *snore*

Caro: Where's your deputy Woods?
Jim: *gasp* Uh, he's at home, ma'am. He doesn't live here.
Caro: Huh. I thought you coppers always lived in your station.
Jim: (getting back in his chair) Well, I do. What do you want with him?
Caro: Well I needed the law but I guess you'll do.
Jim: Thanks... hey, wait a minute...
Caro: Them bandits are causing trouble at the saloon.

Jim: Ma'am, it's ten at night!
Caro: So? We're open late. And them bandits are causing a lot of commotion.
Jim: Okay, just hold 'yer horses.

Jim gets out of his chair, picks up his gun and follows barmaid Caroline over to the saloon, which is still bustling with activity, even late at night. Upstairs, gunshots can be heard, along with wild screaming and howling.

Jim heads up to the second floor, where several "workers" are standing near the balcony.

Jim: What's going on?
Prostitute: Them big bandits got themselves riled up and started breaking everything. Shootin' holes in everything, throwing things around. How are we supposed to work with all that racket going on?
Jim: Don't worry, you'll be on your back again in no time. Where they at?
Prostitute: Upstairs.

Jim pulls out his revolver and climbs up to the third floor, getting there just in time to hear a glass window breaking and the sound of a struggle. The bartender is sitting on the floor, his hand bleeding from a cut from the glass.

Jim: What happened here?
Bartender: Those good-for-nuthin' bandits robbed me, took all the money in the drawer. Then they broke into that nice young lady's room, that one you brought up here. Said I owed them fifty dollars and they'll just take it outta her.
Jim: *slaps forehead* Oh crap... where they run to?
Bartender: They just went out the window.

Jim runs to the window and sees two men on horses riding off into the night, with a woman screaming the whole way.

Caro: Whatcha gonna do, Sheriff? Go rescue her?
Jim: Eh, well, I dunno. Guess they should hire another schoolteacher.

Jim: I mean I'll go save her.
Caro: Good. Want I should help?
Jim: Naw, a purty girl like you should stay here.

Jim: I mean of course you can come along. We should stay put for the night, though. We won't be able to get 'em without the sun up.
Caro: Alright. I'll meet you at 'yer office tomorrow morning.

Sharon: I guess you be wantin' your rifle for your trip.
Jim: Yeah, it'd be swell.

Sharon picks up a heavy black rifle off of her workbench and runs a cloth over the barrel.

Sharon: It's a fine rifle. You shouldn't use it for hittin' rocks with though, Sheriff.
Jim: Yah, yah.
Sharon: That's thirty bucks.

Jim: Thirty bucks? I could buy a whole new rifle with that much!
Sharon: You got the money or not? Otherwise I got me a new rifle. (grins)
Jim: Ugh, here. (pays her)
Sharon: Done. Mind if I go with you? I'd sure like to hunt me some bandit. (gets another rifle out of the closet, exactly like Jim's)
Jim: Eh, I guess. I already got Caroline the barmaid comin' along, you can ride on her horse.

Jim: I mean you can bring your own horse. Damn, I wish that would stop happening!

A few minutes later, Jim leaves the shop with Sharon the Blacksmith in tow. Dressed up in silver spurs, leather chaps and a heavy coat, she gets on her trusty white horse, Gavin, and rides back to the Sheriff's office with Jim. Caroline the barmaid is already there, now Caroline the Cowgirl. She has on a rugged brown hat, cut-off jeans and a tattered white midriff-baring shirt on. Her horse, Zildjian, is somewhat of a runty beast, but doesn't seem to have a problem hauling Caroline around.

Caro: About time you showed up. You ready to go?
Jim: Just about. Just waiting for Deputy Woods.
Caro: Oh crap. You're tellin' me that moron's gonna be along with us?
Jim: Why not? Just 'cuz he fancies you a bit don't mean he can't come along.

As if on cue, Deputy Woods rides up the road on his horse, kicking up a dust cloud as he brings the horse to a halt in front of the Sheriff's office. The animal reers up before coming back down on all fours.

Frank: Em, uh, mornin, Miss...
Caro: Forget it. Mornin'.
Jim: You ready to head on out, Deputy?
Frank: Sure thing, Sheriff. Won't there be trouble if we're not around?
Jim: No need to worry. I have it taken care of.

Inside the Sheriff's office, a scarecrow with a fake gun and a Sheriff's outfit is sitting at the desk. It looks strikingly convincing.

Frank: Well, alright then.
Jim: Besides, Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith are the only bandits around these parts. They won't cause trouble here if we're out lookin' for 'em.
Sharon: So, which direction did they go?

Jim: They headed off in that direction. There's some old mines and caves out there. Could be promisin'.
Caro: Well, let's get to it then.

The posse heads out of town, armed and ready. Their horses kick up a huge cloud of dust as they ride on the beaten trails.

Frank: (yelling) You think they have her at the schoolhouse?
Jim: (yelling) It's a school day! They wouldn't dare!
Frank: Why's that?
Jim: If you were a bandit, would you ever want to be around a school?

By late morning, the four members of the posse arrive in the mountains about fifteen miles out of town and set up camp in a clearing surrounded by tall rocks. There is a little stream going through the clearing and some rocky overhangs which provide shade.
Jim: I reckon we can rest here for about an hour, then move up to the caves.
Sharon: Them bandits might've been out here. Look what I found.

Sharon hands Sheriff Jim an empty bottle of whiskey showing very little signs of wear. The bottle is even halfway full with its intended alcohol.

Jim: Hey barmaid, them bandits drink this last night?
Caroline: I have a name, you know. And yes, they were drinking that and just about everything else.
Frank: Either way, it's a clue.

Sheriff Jim thinks of finishing off the bottle, but thinks better of it and tosses it away.

Jim heads over to where Caroline is pointing with her rifle. On the ground is a small choker necklace with a pendant on it.

Jim: Reckon she did. (picks it up)
Sharon: Sheriff!!! You might wanna take a look at this!

Jim hurries over to where Sharon is and is stunned to find a perfectly clean human skull lying on the ground.

Jim: WHAAAAAAGGH!! OH MY GOD!!!!! AGGGGH!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Sharon: Huh?

Jim turns around and breaks into a run, but trips over a large rock and falls in the dirt.

Sharon: What the hell's 'yer problem, Sheriff?
Frank: Like I said, it's amazing that he's the Sheriff and I'm not.

Caroline climbs down from her horse and picks the snake off of Frank's boot with the end of her rifle.

Caro: You idiot! It was a harmless snake! It eats other snakes and mice!
Frank: Die! *bang* Die! *click*

Caro: And besides, you should've saved your ammo for that Diamondback crawling up behind you.
Frank: Heheh, yeah right, missy. 'Yer just tryin' to scare me.

Sure enough, a Diamondback rattlesnake is behind Frank. It begins to climb in a spiralling pattern up his boot.

Jim gets up and dusts himself off. Again, he sees the skull, but now it's right in his face.

Jim: You think them bandits did this?
Sharon: The question is how. How would they do it? If this is lyin' around, there's bound to be more around here somewhere.

Jim: I knew we should've headed out last night.
Sharon: Don't be so hard on 'yerself, Sheriff. (puts the skull into her riding pouch) I'm gonna look around for a skeleton. I'll holler if I find somethin'.
Jim: Okay.

Sharon heads off around the rocks, searching for more clues. Deputy Woods is practicing his vowels.

Frank: Could you get it offa me?
Caro: I could try. But you have to say somethin' real sweet to me.
Frank: Um...apple pie with cream in the middle.

Frank: Sheriff, care to lend a hand?
Jim: I may be crazy but I ain't stupid, Deputy. Why don't you just grab it by the head and throw the sucker?
Frank: 'Cuz it's wrapped around my leg, Sheriff.

The snake hangs its head between Frank's knees, looking back down at the ground.

Jim goes to his horse, pulls out his rifle and takes aim right at the snake's head.

Just as Sheriff Jim's finger tightens on the trigger, an arrow comes out of nowhere and hits the snake right in the head, killing the reptile.

Up behind the rocks, about fifty forms with headdresses pop up, all armed with bows and arrows.

The Indians (Native Americans) quickly surround the three, their faces painted in dark stripes. Every one of the Indians are on horses and are dressed in many leather skins.
Jim: (looks at Frank and Caroline) None of ya'll make a sudden move. Just take it easy.
Frank: Here, get behind me. (motions to Caroline)

An Indian quickly rides up and puts the sharp end of a spear under Frank's throat, causing him to stand very still. Caroline puts her hands up, one hand holding a canteen.

Three important-looking natives ride up, one in a large headdress that is full of beautiful feathers and beads. This particular native is a powerful-looking man of proud stature.

Chief: How.
Frank: Huh?
Jim: Shut up. Uh, we come as friends and come without fear.

Caroline doesn't believe Jim at all. Judging from the size of the indian chief's scalp collection, she can tell that these aren't friendly indians.

Jim turns his head and notices that he's quickly being surrounded by a group of native Americans. The Chief speaks to one of his sons in native tongue.

Chief: (translated) Dispose of the white men. We'll take the woman. She'll be of good use.

(Note: This in no way reflects the actual history of native Americans. Not all Indians were savages.)

Frank: Do anything you want, but don't hurt her!
Caro: (flattered) Somehow I don't think they'll hurt me either way, Deputy.
Frank: Hmm. Well then... in that case... (steps behind Caroline and raises his arms) Take her so that our lives may be spared!
Jim: Deputy! Shut up!

Suddenly, off in the distance, the charging cadence of a Calvalry horn can be heard. The native Americans go into a frenzy and take off, leaving our three heroes in a large cloud of dust.

Caroline suddenly jabs Frank in the stomach with her elbow and drives her foot backward right where no man wants a foot. She then turns around and clocks him with her metal canteen.

Jim looks around, waiting for a huge Cavalry to follow the fleeing indians. Instead, Sharon the Blacksmith pops up from behind a rock, holding an old dented trumpet.

Sharon: Convincing enough, Sheriff?
Jim: Convincing? Shucks, I'll tell you, we were about to be turned into some pelts there pretty quick, blacksmith. You find anything besides that horn?
Sharon: Nothing. What happened to Woods?

Jim and Sharon both turn to see Frank lying on the ground, writhing in pain, one hand on his crotch and the other holding his head.

Jim: You okay, Deputy? You gonna live?
Frank: (high pitched) Almost.
Jim: I'll tell ya, you shouldn't've done that. You had her good when you stood in front of her.
Frank: Ah well, you live and you learn, I guess.

After a short meal, the posse gets back on the trail, scoping out caves and old mines. The sun is very high, and it soon gets incredibly hot out. Wavy mirages can be seen on the horizon.

Frank: *gasp* Sheriff, it's a furnace out here. I need a break.
Sheriff: We've only been out here twenty minutes since lunch, Deputy. We can't stop now.
Frank: I'm so thirsty I could drink like a horse.
Caro: So it helps that you look like one, right?
Sharon: Heheheh....

Up one trail, an old mine shaft can be seen. There are old mine carts surrounding the entrance to the mine, with lots of fallen rocks.

Jim: Ladies, you wait here. Deputy Woods and I will check this mine out.
Sharon: Why you two?
Jim: Uh, because I said so?
Sharon: That don't sound fair.
Jim: Okay, fine. Deputy Woods, stay here. Sharon can come along.
Caro: Aw jeez...

Jim and Sharon leave their horses and climb up to the entrance of the mine, which is a dark gaping hole in the side of the mountain.

The two enter the mine, Sharon lighting up an oil lamp to see with . The walls are made entirely of dirt, old wooden beams holding up the structure of the mine. Bats fly overhead, panicked by the light from the lamp.

Sharon: I doubt we'll find anything in this mine, Sheriff. Them bandits would've shot us already.
Jim: Maybe. But I think I found a clue.

Jim: EEEEEEEEEK!!! (holds onto Sharon)
Sharon: Em... they're just rats, Sheriff. I don't think Miss Andrea carries those around.
Jim: Ah! Well, that's good.
Sharon: Yeah. Now get offa me.

Jim and Sharon exit the mine, back out into the piercing heat. Caroline is at the tunnel opening as well.

Caro: Sheriff? There's something wrong with that Deputy of yours.
Jim: What? Where is he?

The three go back down to the horses. In the middle of the field, Deputy Woods can be seen tossing dirt over himself in glee.

Jim: Hey Woods!!! What in the hell are you doing?
Frank: Swimming! It's an Oasis! And the water's so cool! Check out these trees!

Frank: Hey there, Sheriff. What say you get the ladies over here? They can jump in for a swim!
Jim: Frank, notice how like Jesus, I'm standing on the water?

Frank: Now that you mention it, yeah.
Jim: That's because I ain't Jesus, and this ain't water.

Frank: This fish ain't here?
Jim: That's a big lizard. And you're leaning against a cactus.

Anto: What the 'ell was thayut? Another coyote?
Keith: Could be. You think we should wake up that teacher lady now?
Anto: Hell no. The less she talks, the better. Teachers... we'll have a lesson with her tonight, won't we?
Keith: Yeeeeehaw!!

Jim: You just hold still now, Deputy.
Caroline: More like DUMB-puty.
The four posse members are under a rocky overhang miles away from where Frank had his "accident", and are proceeding to remove all the large cactus needles from his body. There are quite a lot of them, and it's dreadfully painful.

Caro: Hehehe... *YOINK*
Frank: Oww!! Not so hard!
Caro: Okay, I'll just pull this one out of your butt reaaaaaal slowly...

Caroline grabs hold of one of the needles stuck in Frank's rear end with her metal forceps and proceeds to tug.... very slowly.

Jim: She's enjoyin' that way too much.
Sharon: Well can you help it? Look at the poor bastard. He looks like a porcupine.
Jim: Porcu-what?
Sharon: Porcupine. It's a woodland creature with lots of sharp needles all over its body.
Jim: Don't he get poked?
Sharon: Not really.

After an hour or so, Frank finally has all the cactus needles out of his body. His arms, face, hands and rear are all bleeding lightly.

Frank: WHAAGH!
Caro: Hey, let me try that...
Frank: No! Stay away from me with that!
Jim: Well, I reckon we get a move on. We gotta find them bandits.

The posse saddles up again, and at around sunset, they find a lone fence pole with a trail leading further into the hills.

The four riders turn and head up the trail, guns at the ready. Jim has his rifle loaded and in one hand, reins in the other. Caroline has a pistol with an extra long barrel in her grasp.

At the end of the trail, the four riders come up on two strong-looking horses and a bunch of mining entrances into the side of the mountain. Sheriff Jim knows they look familiar.

Jim: I seen them horses before. Them horses belong to Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith.
Sharon: Hey hey, all right. Time to hunt me some bandit.
Jim: Not so fast, blacksmith. Them bandits could be waiting for us in an ambush.

Jim: Ah ah, don't slap me. You know I'm right.
Sharon: I know. I could just slap you for the heck of it, though.

The riders dismount from their horses. Deputy Woods pulls a rifle off the back of his horse and loads it.

Jim: Okay. Sharon, you stay here in case we need help. The rest of us'll split up.
Caro: Yah, thank god. (rolls eyes while looking at Frank)

Sharon reaches up into the saddle bag on Gavin and pulls out a handful of alfalfa. She then proceeds to feed Gavin.

Sharon: There there, that's a good boy. You're a nice, handsome horse, aren't you?

Out of five different entrances into the hillside, the three posse members each choose a different one and proceed inside, carrying kerosene lamps to see with.

Jim kicks a few rocks aside, rifle pointing ahead of him into the darkness. It's an old, dark, musty cavern, but Jim can smell the faint odor of old booze. There is a tipped-over mining cart lying near the entrance to the cave, and the cavern continues on into impenetrable darkness.

Caroline's cavern is mostly the same, minus the smell of alcohol. There is, however, the occasional sound of rats running through the cave, making Caroline's hair stand on end in suspense. The cave is very dark and eerie. As she goes further and further into the cave, the entrance disappears, and there is nothing but darkness surrounding her.

The ground gives way for a second, and Caroline jumps back. Directly in front of her ia a deep mining shaft, leading at least fifty feet down, quite a deadly fall. There is a rickety old knotted rope hanging from the ceiling, allowing access down.

Caroline pulls on a pair of leather gloves, and summoning all of her courage, grabs hold of the rope and lets herself hang over the huge mining shaft, wrapping her thighs around the rope for leverage. She sways back and forth in the air a few times before she finally begins to climb down. It is quite a task, being that she has to hold a kerosene lantern in one hand while using both hands to let herself down.

About halfway down, a growl is heard below Caroline. She quickly stops descending and looks downward.

A big, hairy bear is at the bottom of the mine shaft, lumbering around on all fours. Caroline's hair stands up again, and she shivers at the thought of the big beast below.

Frank: Caroline?
Caro: The one and only. There's a damn bear down here!
Frank: Can you come back up?
Caro: Maybe. I'm just scared to death right now.
Frank: Well don't worry. Just take it real slow and I'll pull you in when you get back up here.

Caroline finds some more courage and begins to shimmy up the old knotted rope, kerosene lamp clattering in her hand.

Suddenly, Caroline can feel a strong tugging at the bottom of the rope. She looks down to see the bear pulling at the bottom of the swinging rope, holding the end in its teeth to pull the rope and shake it.

Caroline's hands slip a bit, and the lantern falls the whole way down, crashing at the bottom. Luckily, it doesn't break. The bear goes over to the lantern and sniffs it momentarily, knocking it around with its paws.

Frank: Come on now! I gotcha! Just keep on climbing and I'll pull you in!
Caro: Deputy I'm scared!
Frank: It's okay! Just keep climbing!

Frank drops his backpack and gets ready to climb onto the rope. The old rope begins to tear where it's fastened.

The bear pulls the rope some more, using its heavy weight and bulk to put more tension on the rope. In a desperate act, Caroline pulls out her pistol and fires a round. The bear, startled by the loud sound, lets go of the rope and runs off into the darkness, howling and grunting.

Frank pulls a long piece of rope out of his backpack and ties it to another wooden beam in the mine ceiling, then climbs down at high speed. He can see Caroline lying at the bottom of the shaft, and she isn't moving. He drops down next to her and touches her face.
Frank: Caroline? Can you hear me?

Frank freaks out and climbs back up the rope to get his rifle, which he had unwittingly left back with the rest of his stuff. The rope, which he hadn't taken the time to knot, is very hard to climb, especially with a lantern hanging from one hand.

The bear, curious with his new find, sniffs Caroline's foot and begins to drag her away by her boot.

Frank finally reaches the top of the rope and swings back to the edge of the mine shaft, scooping up his rifle. He then slides back down, his leather gloves heating up from the rope moving through his hands so quickly. The bear hears him and lets go of Caroline's foot to turn around and look at Frank.

Frank puts down his lantern and raises his rifle, aiming right for the bear. The bear stands up on its hind legs, reaching a height of at least six feet tall. It roars loudly, jaws wide, exposing rows and rows of bone-crushing teeth.

The bullet bounces right off the chest of the bear, and the bear does nothing but roar angrily at Frank. Frank cocks his weapon again and fires, the same result occurring. He fires again and again, wasting all of his rifle bullets, then pulls out his revolver. The bear slowly backs Frank into a corner, looming above him. Frank fires his entire load of revolver bullets right at the bear, but those don't work either.

Suddenly, the bear starts on fire. The cave erupts in light as the bear flails about, its fur coat burning. The bear takes off down into the cave, making sounds of defeat as it goes. It is now pitch dark inside the mine shaft.

Sharon looks up, having heard all the gunfire going off inside the caves. She pulls her rifle off of Gavin's back and runs all the way up to the group of entrances to the mine. She picks a random one and begins a long trek inside.

Sharon looks over into the mine shaft, holding up her kerosene lantern. At the bottom, she can see the dark figures of Caroline and Deputy Woods making out.

Sharon goes back to the cave entrance and enters through another doorway. She notices something wrong immediately; there are empty bottles of booze strewn everywhere, along with a pair of dirty, crummy pants hanging up on a clothesline. Sharon cocks her rifle and heads further into the cave, carefully keeping her guard.

Suddenly, Sharon trips over a piece of string that had been strung across the floor of the cave, and she falls head over heels down a rock embankment, making a dusty landing at the bottom.

Above Sharon stands The Sundance Keith, who's pointing a long pistol at her head.

Keith: Whooo lookie what I found here, Anto! Gots us another lady tuh join the party!

Anto: Mmm hmm. She'll do us some good too. Come along, 'lil lady. And hand over that nice rifle there while 'yer at it.

Hours later...
Sharon struggles with her restraints, almost falling off of the barrel that she and Miss Andrea are sitting on top of. The bandits remove her blindfold, allowing her to see just who she's tied up with.

Sharon: Miss Andrea!
Andrea: Blacksmith! Well, I see you're in this mess now, too.
Sharon: You okay?
Andrea: Eh, well, could be better, considering that I was kidnapped in the middle of the night and forced to do my thing in the middle of the desert.
Sharon: Okay.... too much info. New topic. They treatin' you okay?
Andrea: *shrugs* Meh.

Anto: Quit 'yer yappin! Which one 'a you wants a sip? (holds up a bottle of whiskey)
Sharon: How much of that crap do you have, anyway?

Sharon: *pttttttthh*
Anto: Come on now, drink up! Or I'll find a way to make ya.

Keith shoves a bottle into Andrea's mouth, and to Keith's surprise, she tips her head back and begins to chug down the contents of the bottle with ease. Once the bottle is empty, she lets it fall out of her mouth.

Andrea: *URRRRRRP*
Keith: Damn! What kinda school teacher you be?
Andrea: None like you ever seen. Another!

Keith shrugs and gives Andrea another full bottle of whiskey. She empties it in the same manner.

Sharon: Miss Andrea, stop it! They're only trying to make you drunk!
Andrea: Huh? Really? I just thought they were being nice!
Sharon: NICE bandits? Are you crazy?
Anto: Well good, you know about our plan. Now drink up, blacksmith. Let's soften you up a bit.

Anto leans in to make Sharon drink again, and she kicks him right between the legs.

Anto: Aieeee..... ahh...
Keith: (slaps his knee) Eeeeehahaha! Got 'yerself a fightin' fish, do ya Anto?

Sharon: Oh, it's on now...
Anto: That's what you think. You see that minin' cart over there?

Sharon looks over at the mining cart. Anto uses the opportunity to flick Sharon's ear.

Anto walks over to a stray bale of hay, grabs a big handful of it, and walks back over.

Sharon spits in Anto's face. He shoves the handful of hay right into Sharon's mouth.

Sharon: Rff!!! Nnngh!!
Anto: That'll learn ye. Eatin' hay, just like the cow you are. (wipes his face)
Keith: So what're we plannin' tuh do?
Anto: Huh?
Keith: What are we gonna do with these ladies?
Anto: You don't know?
Keith: Nope. Never told me.
Anto: You moron... that saloon owes us money, remember?
Keith: Yup. Sure do.
Anto: And we're gonna take the rest of our tab outta this nice school teacher here.

Keith: (smiling) Ah, that's right. I remember now.
Anto: And while we're at it, we can take a bit outta this blacksmith as well. She sure seems like a rough one. (rubs Sharon's leg)

Sharon rocks back and forth again, restling both Andrea and herself onto their feet. Sharon tries to run, but Andrea is running forward as well, so they go nowhere.

The two bandits look up to see Sheriff Jim standing at the cave entrance with his rifle in one hand, and a small pistol in the other.

Sheriff Jim: Howdy, Cassidy. Nice to see you again.
Anto: Sheriff Jim! How'd ya find us?
Sheriff Jim: It's just the way the story goes, Cassidy. You too, Sundance Keith. Ya'll are goin' to jail 'fer kidnappin' and robbery.
Keith: Not so fast, Sheriff!

Anto: You can say goodbye to 'yer blacksmith friend as well.
Jim: (thinking) Damn, where the hell is that deputy and that barmaid?
Anto: So what say you put down the firin' irons and put 'yer hands up, Sheriff?
Jim: 'Yer still goin' to jail, Cassidy. I'll make sure of that. *click*

Jim: (thinking) Damn you, Woods!
Anto: Well well, outnumbered and outgunned. Come on now, Sheriff. I'm sure you don't wanna see me put a hole in this lady's face. This very nice lady's face...

Anto: At least this one'll work.
Jim: Come on, Keith. You really wanna be at the end of a rope because of the goon next to you?
Anto: Who you callin' a goon, Sheriff? (points his gun at Jim)

Jim fires his rifle, making Anto Cassidy fall to the ground, holding his arm. Jim cocks his rifle and aims at Keith.

Jim: How about it, Keith? You put down the gun, and you can walk outta here with just a couple weeks in the jail.
Keith: (shakes his head) I'd rather die first, Sheriff.

Keith puts his arm around Andrea and wrestles both her and Sharon up. He puts the muzzle of his pistol right to Andrea's head.

Keith looks over at another cave entrance. Standing there are Frank and Caroline, both with their rifles pointed at Keith.

Out of ANOTHER cave entrance, the bear from earlier comes lumbering out on all fours, sniffing the air.

The bear looks at Sheriff Jim. In Jim's hand is a big dried-up piece of beef jerky. Jim waves it a bit, whistling at the bear, who begins to lumber toward Jim.

Jim tosses the jerky at Keith, who stupidly catches it. Andrea and Sharon gallop sideways and fall over.

Sharon: Pwuh! Bleh! I need a drink...
Andrea: Hehehehe. Whooo...
Jim: What's her problem? (points at Andrea)
Sharon: She got drunk. Not a bad idea, by the way.

Across the room, Keith is trying to crawl away from the bear, who is dragging him by his foot.

Marshall: So he's been missin' since yesterday?
Mayor: Yessir, Marshall. All I found was this scarecrow sittin' at his desk. The blacksmith's gone, too.
Marshall: Well, this won't stand. If Sheriff Jim shows up again, I suggest you fire him.
Mayor: I have the right mind to!

Down the trail, a large dust cloud can be seen approaching. Six horses and a large wagon are running up to the town. Behind the reins are Sheriff Jim and Deputy Woods. The wagon soon cruises up into town, and stops right in front of the Mayor and the Marshall.

Sheriff Jim: Howdy, Mayor! Marshall...
Mayor: (turns red) Sheriff Jim, you left our town unguarded for a whole day and don't even tell us where 'yer goin? You lowdown scoundrel, 'yer fired for this!!!
Sheriff Jim: Now now, Mayor, that's no way to talk to me. Come on, lemme show you what I got on clearance.

Sheriff Jim and Deputy Woods dismount from the wagon and go around to the rear. They pull on a few chains and drag out a wounded Anto Cassidy and a ruffled-up Sundance Keith.

Marshall: God almighty! You got them bandits, Sheriff!
Jim: Yup. I took care of 'em but good.
Mayor: I don't care! 'Yer shenanigans have gone on far enough, Jim!
Jim: That's not all. Look who else I brought back.

Frank: We rescued the school teacher as well. And we got some of the saloon's booze and money back.
Marshall: Well, mayor, I see my job is done here. You make sure not to fire this man.
Mayor: I surely will... huh?

Andrea: My summer wine is really made from all these things...
Jim: (puts his feet up) I walked in town on silver spurs that jingled to... a song that I had only sang just for a few... she saw my silver spurs and said "Let's pass some time." And then she gave to me... summer wine.
Andrea and Jim: Ohhh, summer wine.
Caro: (with Frank's arm around her) Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring... my summer wine is really made from all these things... take off those silver spurs and help me pass the time... and I will give to you... summer wine.
Caro and Frank: Ohhh, summer wine.
Gavin: My eyes grew heavy and my lips they could not speak... I tried to stand up but I could not find my feet... she reassured me with an unfamiliar line... and then she gave to me... more summer wine.
Jim and Andrea: Ohhh, summer wine.
Andrea: (slowwwwwwly takes off Jim's hat and puts it on, putting her arms around his neck) Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring... my summer wine is really made from all these things... take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time... and I will give to you... summer wine.

Sharon is sitting with an out-of-town lawyer, who she has taken a fancy to in the few hours of their first meeting.

Sharon and Gavin (gee, really?): Ohhh, summer wine. When we woke up, the sun was shining in our eyes...
Caro and Frank: The silver spurs were gone, my head felt twice the size...
Jim and Andrea: Who took the silver spurs, a dollar and a dime, and left us craving for... summer wine?
All of them: Ohhhh, summer wine...

Anto Cassidy and the Sundance Keith can hear the good music going on in the saloon.

Keith: Ohhhh oh whooooaa oh whoooaaaaaa...
Anto: OHHHH shut up. Idiot.
Keith: *sigh* I shoulda just did what that Sheriff told me.

Back in the saloon, the song winds down, the patrons fall into heavy applause, and all the couples fall into a deep kiss. (This is the part that makes you glad that Jim and Andrea aren't related in this story)

Later, three horses ride off into the sunset. On one is the brave Sheriff Jim and Miss Andrea, on another is Caroline the cowgirl and Deputy Woods (Caroline is the one actually driving the horse), and on the third is Sharon the blacksmith and Gavin the lawyer.